


The Dying Light

by TuvaLuvaNuva



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Comedy, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fanfiction, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Force Bond (Star Wars), Fun, I'm Bad At Tagging, Intense, It’s Such a slow burn, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren is a Mess, Love, Love/Hate, Pain, Passion, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, You Know You WANT To, dramalama, touch the fire, you won’t even feel it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:28:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 31
Words: 67,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22760995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuvaLuvaNuva/pseuds/TuvaLuvaNuva
Summary: 'That was one of the things Poe liked about you. No matter how bad the mission went, he could always find you with your hands deep down in someone's guts the moment you came home. That's just what you did. You never grew tired from a mission, and you never hesitated when you could save a life. It didn't matter that you were more of a fleer than a fighter, because when it all boiled down, you were just incredibly good at your job.The doctors were never the ones who should be on the front-lines, just because they were so important when the battle was over.'
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You, Poe Dameron & Reader
Comments: 158
Kudos: 242





	1. Puss in Boots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! This is my first try at a Star Wars fanfiction, but I mean, there was only a matter of time before I caved into writing a chaotically fluffy(smutty?) story about Kylo Ren and our beloved reader. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy, and I really appreciate all you guy’s thoughts and love ❤️

“There’s no such thing as a Mandricula,” He said, yelling as loud into the microphone as he could. The headset tried to exceed the explosions in volume, sparked, and threatened to give out completely.   
“That’s exactly what they want you to think. With invisible tentacles they grab your ship, smash it to pieces and leave no survivors. They feed on brains and metal. Super smart beings,” you yelled, holding your hands on each side of your ears, trying to block out any other sound than your comrade's voice.   
“If there’s no survivors, who tell the stories?” The ship swayed as a severely nasty blow hit right beside the left flank. You shut your eyes, begging it to be over. All you wanted was to be back at D’qar, sipping hot tea, cuddled in blankets and preferably have a droid available for company.   
“Like I said, super smart beings,” you said, biting the inside of your cheek. Your co-pilot gave you a side glance, obviously anxious about his clothes in combination with your slightly greener face and the contents of your stomach.  
”How much further, doctor?” He asked, trying his best to avoid getting hit by another over-sensitive rock.   
“Too far. Can we turn around?» you asked, turning around in your seat and looked through the tiny slit, mimicking a window. Three starfighters still following suit. It was a miracle they also had survived the floating stones of death.   
“I’m afraid we can’t. Our orders are to-“   
_Frick these fricking orders._  
“Yeah, yeah, I know. We’re probably there in a few hours. Just keep on going, straight ahead,” you said, silently cursing yourself for ever memorizing anything. One of the few perks of being absolutely terrified of life, was that you couldn't seem to forget anything that might potentially save your life one day. You ~~hated~~ cherished it. 

The second you set foot on the yellow planet, goosebumps covered your skin and the hairs on the back of your neck stood up like a cactus in the dessert. Why had you agreed to this? It couldn't possibly have been General Organa, could it? With her extremely convincing ' _there's nobody else who can know. The more who know before we retrieve it, the greater danger it will be in. Please, don't even tell me about it. We need you.'_? ~~No, that was certainly not it.~~   
"Doctor? Is this it?"   
"You know, I never caught your name," you said, making sure your gloves were properly on.   
"It's Flo,"   
"Well, Flo. Yeah, we're here. Strap up." And with that you took a step forward, off the ship and onto the sand. Tiny grains filled your boots before you could blink, and the sun scorched your already covered skin. As you looked to the sky, you no longer saw the other starfighters. Although it was planned, it made you feel uneasy.   
"No, I'm not actually going. General Organa told me to get you here, not come with you onto the planet. I'm not equipped. I'll stay by the ship and be available through intercom if you need me. I'm sorry, but it's my orders." Another punch in the gut. _Damn orders._ They expected you to do this all by yourself. You knew nothing about how to handle anything, ever.   
"Please don't leave me." you begged. You knew it was futile, but it didn't hurt to try. 

Of course, you got the inevitable 'no', but that didn't mean you were giving up. ~~Well, it sort of did.~~ You'd never been by yourself on a completely foreign planet. You'd never even attended school alone. From first grade you knew your mom, the teacher. You took another step into the auburn forest, your red leatherjacket standing out like a sore thumb against the yellow. There was no reason to blend in. Supposedly, the planet was close to being abandoned, and every other creature blind. You could walk in, wearing glitter, shiny earrings, and turquoise heels, and still no one would notice you. The problem was sound. The louder you got, the more danger you were in.   
_Frick this stupid planet, with all its super scary animals and hostile environment._   
It was when you rounded another tree that you noticed something was off. You weren't alone anymore. Another, unrecognized energy entered the area, quickly gaining in on you. Dumbstruck you stood there, waiting. Listening. Nothing. Could it be that you had been spotted? Why would anyone ever follow a single starfighter? Sure, they could smash you like an ant, but why bother? And send someone with that type of energy? The fuck? They would be better of fueling a sun somewhere. Hesitantly you took a step backwards. Nothing was worth dying for. _Better return to ship._ Just as you were about to turn on your heel, your intercom sparked. Cursing it, you quickly tried to connect it back to your earpiece, but the task turned out to be a complete failure, ending up with you tucking the radio into your jacket, muffling it the best you could. _Shut it, you stupid fungus._ Just as you were about to bury it alive, Flo's voice sounded, loud and clear, echoing through the forest.   
"We've got another ship entering the atmosphere." _Yeah, no shit._  
"Thanks for the update."   
"You holding up, doctor?"   
"Well, no. Thinking about coming back." _Still talking? It's a death sentence, if anything._  
"You retrieved the item?" _Item._  
"Well, no, bu-"   
"Then I'll come back to you as soon as you have it. I believe in you." Just as the radio threatened to hiss again, it turned off. _So much for trying to stay silent._ With that new motivation, you kept on moving. Leaves crunched under your feet, and soon enough you weren't alone anymore. You hadn't seen her if it wasn't for the fact that her fur was bright green, throwing shade on a lime. Even though you exceeded it in height, it was quite round and resembled a ball more than anything. With huge, blind eyes, it followed your every move. It looked like it was about to cuddle you to death. Of course, you knew better. Saliva got stuck in your throat and you took a hesitant step away from her. You tried to stop breathing, but the sound of your frantic heart gave you away. She took another step closer. _What could you do? Stay there? Run?_ Just as you were about to lay down, waiting for the inevitable death, something shifted a few meters away. It caught the creature’s attention, and it spun around, leaving you behind. You let go of the breath you clutched to your chest. _Frick breathing, right? Totally not worth it._

A thousand thoughts crashed into you as you saw the village. It was supposed to be abandoned. _Then why were there people_? They walked around, water buckets in hand, whispering to each other. Every face was relaxed, no one straining or hurrying anywhere. Children played in the streets. Tiny balls of fur followed them. What was this place? You watched from the edge of the forest, not making a sound. All you could do was to stand there, ~~barely breathing.~~ How could you report this back to ship without being heard? How were you supposed to find-   
  
A loud _Whoooosh_ sounded from above you, interrupting your thoughts. _Oh no. Oh, please, no._ Hurriedly, you turned around, walking back into the forest. _Ok, you weren't able to complete the mission. Could have been worse, right? You could have died._ Just as you were about to pick up your intercom, a furball clotted your vision. The brutal force she used to clutch onto your face made you stumble, losing balance. Hands shot up to the green ball, and you tried your best to make her let go of your face. Panic flooded your system. Your fingers trembled as they latched onto her fur, pulling her away from you. Her claws got a tighter grip. Just as you managed to get her off your face, you hit the back of your foot against a fallen branch. Loudly you tumbled backwards, falling straight on your back, with vision of the clear sky. You lay there for a minute, focused on breathing and not letting the pain that went through your back get the best of you. How did she find you? It had been at least half an hour since she lost track of you. You hadn't made _that_ much noise. Another thought dawned on you just as you heard footsteps coming your way. _Clear sky. No trees._ You turned around to lay on your stomach, trying as silently you could to get back on your feet. Curious gazes followed your every move, and you wondered how they were able to look so much like they could see. Instead of eyes, antennas took place in the middle of their face, and they curiously wiggled them around, trying to place you. Other than the antennas, they looked quite human. Sure, their skin was yellow, and there was no hair on top of their heads. Also, their snouts looked a little awkward. One of them opened their mouth, and you expected it to speak. Instead, a silent drumming filled your ears. _Lovely, they're echolocators._ Just as you let go of all hope and embraced death as your only friend, something else caught their attention. A second later, it caught yours too. Some other strangers marched towards crowd, and even though you could only see their boots from the ground, you knew enough. Your mouth went dry.   
"Search the area." A mechanic voice. Too strange. Too familiar. And goddamn, too much energy. Silently, you tried to slip away. Unluckily for you, the crowd disappeared, leaving you completely visible in the middle of the road. The stormtroopers couldn't have seen you yet, because you lay there for several seconds, counting every heartbeat. Your voice hitched as an arm slipped under yours, forcing you to stand. You were about to rip your arm away, when you saw that one of the locals held you, with the other hand in front of their mouth. _Silence, right._ She dragged you away from the open, and you followed suit as she steered away from the soldiers. As you reached a tiny hut, she once again placed her hand in front of her mouth, before she placed it over yours. Then she shoved you inside. Your knees had to bend slightly in order for you to stand, but your legs trembled too much anyway, so instead you sat yourself down, flat on your ass. The tiny lady walked towards you. Just as you expected her to close her hands around your throat, she grabbed your face. Dumbstruck you sat there, letting her pull on your skin, ears and hair. She seemed curious, not hostile, so you let her. She pulled open your mouth, feeling every tooth with a pointy finger. They resembled claws. _Did they dig for food here? Is that why sight didn't matter?_ She pulled away. As she did, something happened with her hands. She drummed her fingers against each other. _Code. Languages._ So, you weren't a noob in Morse codes, and this wasn't too far from just that.   
"No stormtrooper," she drummed.   
"No," you drummed back, hopefully finding the right word. The sound wasn't too far from _dry._  
"Fighter?"   
"No." You weren't. Or, at least, you refused to be.   
"Resistance?" she asked. You hesitated. _Truth? Truth._  
"Yes." Her face paled to an even lighter shade of yellow. That couldn't be good.   
"Safe here. I'll go." her drumming soothed your soul, but your brain couldn't stop grinding. She would leave you? Alone? Again? Just as she turned around, a terrifying hiss sounded from outside, and you recognized the sound immediately. Your hand shot to your belt and found nothing. _Frick._  
"Doctor? Doctor, are you there?" you heard Flo's voice, and though it was distant, it was as clear as day. The perks of being on a planet that were desperate for silence.   
"There seems to be tie-fighters in the area. You said this place was abandoned? Shoul-" he was cut off. A nasty crunch revealed the death of your radio. So much for going home. Every grain of sand stood still as you heard another voice. Filtered through a mask, no doubt. Your breath hitched.   
"Find him." 


	2. Demise? Demise.

_Him? You were a bit offended. Doctor wasn't a synonym for men._ Before you could gather your thoughts, the door shut in your face and you were suddenly all alone. Where were you supposed to run? No use hiding, they would just find you. Fight? Forget it, you'd die in ~~less than~~ a heartbeat. As you started looking around for the tiniest window, another voice was heard from outside.  
"Round them up and fetch the translators. At least one of them must know something." _Stormtrooper?_ Wait, did she say that they were gathering the translators? How and why did the First Order even bother with translators? You thought that they always just killed anything they didn’t understand. Oh, well. Maybe they needed someone to translate every plead. Just as you were about to get lost in your own thoughts, a puff against the door made you freeze completely. Frantically you began to look for a window once more, but all you saw was a tiny slit near the rooftop, too small to fit you. _That must be impractical when it rains_. Maybe you had to fight. Just a bit. Perhaps you could throw a vase/cup/bowl at them. Even the worst fighters got away if they just threw something, right? The problem was the house was completely empty, except something that resembled a bed, a tiny table and some shoes. Why shoes? No one else at the village had worn shoes. Did it get cold here during the winter, perhaps? Unfortunately, you had no time to dwell on it. Instead, headfirst, you tried to crawl under the bed. It was a half-assed attempt, with your feet sticking out on one side. You cursed and wiggled until you were a bit more hidden, just as the door opened and closed with little sound. You recognized the feet immediately, and you suddenly felt a little silly. A yellow head bent down, and pulled one of the bedcovers aside, revealing your badly hidden body. Her antennas wiggled around, and a tiny smile caressed her snout.  
“Bad place. Noisy,” she drummed.  
“Thanks,” you drummed back, happy she couldn’t actually see your heated face.  
“Door.” All bright colors drained from your face. She wanted to deliver you straight to them? Just as you managed to wiggle out from under the bed, she put her hands in front of her antennas, as if she was blocking her own sight. Then she opened her mouth once more. When she was done, she began tapping fingers once more.  
“Busy. Run.”  
“Now?” you voiced, and she seemed horrified for a second, before she grabbed your hand and practically kicked your butt out the door. The sun scorched your face and you felt as if you melted beneath the heat. When you managed to overcome the blinding light, you began looking around. There was no one. As if every other soul had been sucked up through a vacuum. Unfortunately for you, you were so dumbstruck that you couldn’t move for a second, and suddenly you noticed another one of the locals walking out their door, golden stones in his hands. Before he could comprehend the fact that someone else was around, you began sprinting in the other direction. Your feet felt like jelly, and your knees creaked, begging for you to stop. Still, with your beating heart in your ears you just kept on running. Maybe you’d make it out alive. Maybe Flo would be waiting just around the corn-  
  


_**Bam.** _

__

_Pain_ _._ Hot, burning, and so strong. Your legs got caught up in one another, and you stumbled forward, and fell face first into the sand. You must have swallowed at least half a gallon as you gasped for air, trying your best to locate the source. Had you been hit? Where? Why? Everything burned, as if the sun itself had decided to lay on your legs. _Legs._ Carefully you turned around, so you come to lay down on your back. The pain was so, so intense. You’d never been shot before. Was this how you die? You were too young, had too much to live for. What would General Organa say? You never told anyone about what you were searching for, and now no one would know. Then you realized you had no choice but to locate the wound. You almost gagged on your own spit as you managed to sit up. Sure enough, a speck of blood was rapidly increasing in size by your calf. Lovely, nothing fatal. No femur, no main artery. Just a lot of tissue missing. Were you able to stand?  
“It’s human,” sounded from far away, and still too close. Suddenly you had no choice but to try to stand on your poor, poor legs. It burned. Tears welled up in your eyes as you tried to stand on the leg that was shot, but it gave out beneath you. _Ok, one leg it is._ Hastily you limped towards a house, begging to get behind the corner before they got ahold of you. ~~As if the corner provided you any type of safety~~. Just as you did, your savior was spotted. It came in form of several trees. You looked down at your leg, cursed it, spotted your red jacket, tossed it and began limping towards the yellow trees. Maybe the grey shirt and pants would blend into the forest floor. You had no chance running anymore, so with one halfhearted leap, you tossed yourself behind a tree a little deeper within the forest and lay down _._ _That_ you felt. With a silent cry in pain, you bit the inside of your cheek, begging yourself not to make a sound. A few leaves already covered you and you were quick to drag even more over your body and face. Then you closed your eyes and listened.  
“It can’t have gone far.” It?  
“Give word to Lord Commander. He would like to know what we’ve found.”  
“Why do I have to do it?”  
“Because I’m older. Now scoot.” Then, silence. For a long while the only thing you heard was the drumming of your own heartbeat and ragged breath. _Damn this fricking mission and fricking orders and everything that’s yellow and every fricking stormtrooper in existence._ Being the bravest you’d ever been, you bit your teeth together and moved your fingers down to the wound. You’d been lucky. It had gone straight through the side of your calf. ~~That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt like a son of~~ a- A bunch of steps caught your attention, so you quickly stopped torturing yourself and focused all your energy on listening in.  
“Where?” you recognized that mechanical noise. Couldn’t he just mind his own business.  
“Behind this corner, sir.”  
“And you didn’t follow it?” _Again with the ‘it’._ You wrinkled your nose. Were you passing out? ~~You might be passing out~~.  
“No, sir.”  
“What does the villagers say?”  
“Not much, sir.”  
“Someone knows something. Search the houses. Shoot them, one by one. Begin with the children.” _What was he? ~~Well, you sort of knew.~~ _Still, being as brave as you were, you tried to make yourself even smaller, and by doing that you shrunk beneath the leaves once more. What could you do? Try to save everyone? That made your heart race in the unhealthiest way possible _._ _Heart Attack or pass out?_

Apparently, being terrified made you forget time. Maybe you had fallen asleep. You wondered how long you had remained hidden. Why couldn’t adrenaline be more productive to you? Couldn’t you just storm out and be the hero and save everyone and die in the most heroic way? No. You had to cover behind trees, bleeding onto leaves. ~~Why were you like this?~~  
“The resistance isn’t supposed to hang around these parts.” That’s what had awoken you. Footsteps not too far away from you and familiar voices. ~~To be fair, every stormtrooper sounded the same.~~ Something tight clutched around your chest. Good thing the sting in your calf distracted you from the fear of actually getting a heart-attack this time.  
“This one is, and it’s not alone. The guy on the radio will be bug-food once Lord Commander finds him.” _Why the freakin’ **it**? _They had no trouble calling you ‘him’ earlier.  
 _“_ _If_ Lord Commander finds him.”  
“He will. We’re so lucky to be stuck with the limping-thing. Much less work.”  
“Don’t call it easy, we haven’t found it yet.”  
“He can’t have gotten far.” _There you go._ Now you at least had a gender. Suddenly, an abrupt pain in your hand made you gasp for air, and you had to tighten every muscle in your body not to make a sudden move. They must have been much closer than you thought, because suddenly one-piece stormtrooper foot was placed on top of your hand. Still, no matter how well you fought against your instincts to push him off, your breathing hitched, and the soldiers spun around, aiming their gun into mid-air.  
“I swear I heard something.”  
“It came from over there.” _No, no it didn’t._ Luckily for you, they moved, leaving your hand free once again. Quickly you withdrew it, trying as silently as you could to clutch it against your chest. The stormtroopers began walking away from you, and as they did, leaves got stuck on their feet, dragging your safe cover with them. If they turned back around, you would be dogfood. Therefor, you made the decision of not staying hidden anymore. Just as you thought they were far enough away, you managed to stumble back onto your feet. They still hadn’t heard you. You spun around, trying your best to stay silent as you made your way to the other side of the forest.  
“Stop, or we’ll shoot.” _Uh, oh._  
“Hands up.” _Frick this fricking planet._ Trembling, you slowly turned around. With every organ in your body stuck in your throat, your heart threatening to fall out of your ass and eyes unable to focus on anything.  
“I said, hands up where we can see them.” _You_ _would if you could._ You cursed, but it fell under your breath. Suddenly, with the heart of a lion, you managed to put your hands up, one by one.  
“Search her,” said the stormtrooper that had you at gunpoint. Was this how you died? _Well, they at least had gotten the pronoun right, finally._ The other one walked up to you _._ _Too close._ When he began the search, your wounded leg threatened to give out. You focused on that, instead of the cloudy thoughts that consisted of death, dying and afterlife. One gun dropped to the forest floor. _Was that on you all that time? ~~You couldn’t recall~~._  
“She’s clean. Terminate her?” _This is it._ Your life had been great. Too much school, to little appreciation of parents and way too many lousy games of cards.  
“No. Let’s bring her to Lord Commander. Maybe he’ll be pleased with us.”  
“Smart thinking. Maybe she knows something.” _Knows **something**? _You know _**everything.**_ _Oh, no. Did that mean torture_ _?_ You wouldn’t do well under torture.

The metal felt cold against your skin, and still you hated this. Every ounce of your body begged you to stop, let them shoot you and be over with it. Still, the arms linked with yours forced you forward. At a point it felt as if your leg would fall off. Instead, it got dragged behind you lazily. Every time your foot grazed over a stubble or rock, the pain came shooting, ~~hehe – shooting,~~ through your calf, and like electricity it burned through your whole leg. Finally, they reached their destination. The middle of the village. Every other yellow-face was gathered, some in piles. _You hadn’t meant to. You really hadn’t._  
“Get down,” said the stormtrooper, and forced you down on your knees. As you landed, it felt as if your calf got ripped apart and a hiss escaped your lips.  
“The frick is wrong with you? Why would you do that?” you said, a little too high-pitched, the adrenaline in your body finally doing something ~~horrible~~ good. The stormtrooper looked bewildered for a moment, before he straightened out his back, gun at the ready, next to you. So, there you sat. One calf bleeding out, head hanging heavy, surrounded by stormtroopers and yellow-faces. _Now, this must be it. There’s ~~never~~ been a time that shouted that this was your demise more than this one. _You managed to gather some focus once a pair of black robes hit your line of sight. _ShitShitShitShit._  
“She hid in the woods,” one of the stormtroopers said. Before you could breathe, think or pray one last prayer, the man bent down, his mask leveling with your line of sight.

_Kylo Ren._


	3. Kylo? It's pronounced Kill-you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is probably the shortest chapter I've ever written. I've been sitting on this chapter title for too-goddamn-long, and it feels sooooo good to finally write it. Hope you enjoy!

_You're dead. Deader than you've ever been before. Deader than flowers without water. Deader than Jedi younglings._ Kylo Ren watched you, seemingly curious. ~~The mask made it hard to tell.~~ You stayed in your kneeling position, not even noticing your throbbing leg anymore.   
"Why are you here?" he asked. A thousand thoughts raced. _Truth? Tell him why you’re really here?_   
"Holiday," you said, your voice cracking harder than ice under pressure. It seemed to amuse him, slightly. ~~Still really hard to tell.  
~~ "Don't lie to me. It won't look good on you." _Is he threatening you?_ You sure hoped not.   
"I really, really like yellow," _You don't want to die, you don't want him to kill you, please, for the love of everything, you don't want to die.  
"_Who is you partner?" he asked. For a second you thought he tilted his head a little, but the dark man of everything dark and frightening and evil would never do anything that bland. No, he was probably just shaking off the weight of every cat he thought about chocking. _~~Totally.~~_  
"I don't like anyone. Always alone. Partners just demand things like: 'Close the window, we're in space' or 'open the toilet seat once you're done peeing'." Well, it wasn’t technically a lie. By the blank look on his mask, he seemed to think so. Was that a tennis ball in your throat?   
"Then who are _you?" Oh, no._ What were you supposed to say _?_ _Truth_? No way. Still, it seemed like he was getting fed up with lies. Better try to not make it that obvious.   
"No one. I'm just a very normal person, doing person stuff, drink coffee, not knowing anything, absolutely not terrified and I really, really like yellow." _Uh oh._ For a second you swore the look on his mask darkened. Was the sun setting already? A ~~humorous annoyed~~ blank puff escaped the filtered mouth of his mask. You hadn’t noticed how bad you were trembling before Ren lifted his hand to line up with the side of your face. There was a tiny pressure against your skull. It hurt. _Was it supposed to hurt?_  
"You'll talk." _Nonono, please, no._ You weren’t ready for torture. You weren’t ready for anything remotely different from your haven back at base. He stepped away.  
“Bring her aboard.” _No._ You refused. You had nothing to give them. ~~Well, actually you had a whole lot.~~ You swore that you’d never become a captive. Ever. The torture was too much, the amount of soldiers terrified you, and you were by no means ready to be under the influence of neither Kylo Ren nor Snoke. Just as the stormtroopers grabbed you by your arms once again, a loud wooooosh sounded from over your head. Then, gunfire.   
“X-wings,” someone yelled, but all you heard was _savior._ And sure enough, above you, three resistance pilots flew, every one of them aiming their best at the troops. Some shots fired near you, just enough to make the stormtroopers let go of your arms. You overjoyed for a moment, before you tried to stand up, hoping to move away from the troops. The second your foot came in contact with the ground, all the pain from your calf came jolting back like a rabbit during a chase. You tumbled a little, suddenly not having any control of your surroundings. _Have to get away._ So you started limping, one foot dragging the other along. Somehow, the pain had become worse than before. A whimper escaped your lips just as you noticed how sticky your leg had gotten. _Were you about to bleed out?_ No way, your vision should have blurred way sooner if that was the case. Before you were able to comprehend where you were going, you suddenly stood face to mask with Kylo Ren again. You had no chance to run, no way to fight as he grabbed ahold of your arm. The second he came in contact, a jolt of electricity rushed through your body, leaving your fingertips numb and a scream stuck in your throat. Just as suddenly as it appeared, it went away. For a moment, everything was blank. All you saw, all you heard and all you felt was numbed out by something greater. Something stronger. When you were able to connect your brain back to your body, something felt off. You realized soon enough that it was the fact that Kylo Ren had moved. No longer right in front of you, he stood further away, clutching his hand slightly. He didn’t have ahold of you anymore. Therefore, you limped in the other direction. He didn’t follow.

It took you quite some time to reach the outskirts of the fight, and just in time as one familiar pilot landed next to you. He popped open a door, and a sheepish smile landed on his face.   
“We were certain you were dead, doctor.”   
“So was I.”


	4. McDreamy

_“_ You met my son.” General Organa folded her hands in her lap. Everything seemed to give her a headache since your return.  
“I did,” you said. You tried to shift a little, uncomfortable by sitting in the same position for too long. Unfortunately, the bed had an imprint of your butt, so you slid right back to where you were.  
“How was he?”  
“Brooding. Terrifying. Scary. I can continue.” _Dark, terrible, murderer._  
“No, I understand.” Leia looked down on her hands, before her eyes trailed the multiple cords hooked to your body. It wasn’t necessary, but you had demanded they checked you thoroughly after your little shocking meeting with Kylo Ren. Your leg was healing at rapid speed. The other doctors had begun working on regrowing your tissue, as the way you had diagnosed yourself proved to be wrong. You thought it was _just_ tissue, but when your colleagues had gotten a closer look, it seemed that your fibula had splintered, and the gastrocnemius muscle was all but completely torn apart. You had been upset, complaining that you didn’t want to be put under because of a silly wound. Therefor they had let you stay awake while they opened your leg completely, reattached the muscle, used metal to put the bone back together and sewn it all together ~~with a bow on top~~. Still, even though they did the best they could, this meant that you had to wear a cast for who-knows how long. It meant that you weren’t going on missions any time soon, nor would you get back to training. It was delightful. The only drawback was that you had been back at D’qar for several hours, and still hadn’t seen any other familiar face than General Leia, the other doctors and Flo. He had done everything he could to make sure you got back safe, into the hands of surgeons, popped you full of every sedative in existence, just so you would ~~shut up.~~  
“I take it you didn’t complete the mission,” the General said, in the most Leia Organa way possible. You inhaled deeply, began fiddling with your fingers and looked away.  
“No, sir,” you replied, “to be frank with you, I think I might have been wrong.”  
“Have you been wrong before?”  
“No, but-“  
“Then you weren’t this time either,” said Leia. You looked over at her, grateful that nothing but kindness showed in her eyes. Your failure had been a huge setback for the Resistance. Had you succeeded it would mean the beginning of a whole new era.  
“General, it’s not wise to put me on these missions.”   
“And why is that?”  
“Because I fail at most of them.”  
“Without failure you wouldn’t learn anything.”  
“But there are other involved.”  
“No one got killed,” the General finished, and that was the end of that. Even if she had opened for more discussion about it, you were interrupted by a very high pitched ‘bip’ and a little bit darker ‘bop’, followed by a ‘screeeeech’. A familiar droid entered your secluded resting area, followed by a couple of nurses whom you swiftly waved away.  
“Hi, BB-8,” you said, tension releasing from your entire body as the droid came up to you, trying his best to snuggle against your bedframe.  
“That’s my que to leave,” said Leia, and you gave her a smile, thankful that she even bothered to visit you. Then, just as she was about to leave out the door, another familiar face popped in.  
“Oh, you look terrible,” Poe Dameron said. “Not you, General, you look lovely as always,” he continued as General Organa pushed past him with a friendly tap against the shoulder. She said something inaudible, but obviously Poe heard it, because he snickered as he took place in the chair next to you.  
“So, tell me, miss plane crash, how did you survive this time?”  
“Happy to see you too.”  
“No, seriously, I’m curious,” he said. You noticed how his hair was ruffled up, the dark rings beneath his eyes and the way he walked as if he carried the whole world on his shoulders.  
“Tell me, were you worried?” you said, a crooked smile placed in the corner of your lips. With an arched brow you tried to sit up once again, but the leg stirred, and you ended up biting the inside of your cheek a little. When you got no immediate answer from the pilot you looked at him once again. There was a sparkle of something, but then it went away.  
“No, I know you can handle yourself, big guy.” Poe shifted in his seat. _Was he uncomfortable?_  
“I met Kylo Ren,” you said, fiddling with your thumbs once more. You had expected some kind of reaction, but all you got was a sigh. _Well, that’s disappointing._  
“I heard.” _Oh?_ “Flo told me.” _Oh._  
“Oh.”  
“You know what I also heard?” Poe asked, and you shook your head slightly, feeling suspicious.  
“That you, miss train wreck, demanded that you turned around before you even landed on Polowitar,” he continued and pointed an accusing finger in your direction. Feeling attacked, _like, he might as well have threatened you with ~~a sword a gun~~ a very embarrassing story, _you made your best defensive by crossing your arms and looking away.  
“It’s not my fault that life is terrifying,” you said, and Poe snickered beside you.  
“You of all people have no reason to be scared.”  
“I have _every_ reason to be scared. You would too if your head wasn’t so far up your ass.”  
“Ouch, that’s hurtful,” he said, “How was Ren?” and just like that, the conversation went from playful to serious, and suddenly goosebumps covered your arms.  
“Terrifying. Not that I actually saw much of him, and he barely even used the force against me.” Your arms crossed again, as if you were cold. In fact, you could have worn nothing but underwear and you’d still sweat.  
“Barely?”  
“I think he tried to enter my mind at some point. There was this pressure, you know? I don’t think he actually learned anything. And in the midst of the fight he touched me-”  
“Touched you?” Poe cocked a brow.  
“Let me finish. His hand touched my arm, and we were both very much dressed, but it was so weird. Extremely. Combine dancing with the General weird.”  
“Weird. Did he try to put you out?”  
“I think that if he tried to put me out, he would have put me out.”  
“Then what do you think it was?”  
“I don’t know. Maybe he tried to scare me? Maybe he tried to read my mind again? Doesn’t matter, nothing happened,” you finished, letting go of your own arms and looked back at your friend. Poe on the other hand seemed curious. It wasn’t until a tiny droid craved his attention that he snapped out of it. You stretched your tired muscles and let out a yawn.  
“Scoot, fly-boy. Appreciate all your love, but I’m exhausted, need some slippers, want my own bed and never move away from base again.”  
“Fly-boy? Really?”

When Poe and BB-8 left, you felt incredibly alone. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to be alone, but Poe left such a huge gape of air every time he left the room. Somehow, he managed to make himself feel very much welcome and not welcome at the same time, like a hot summers day without any water to cool off. Still, you settled with your lonesome, spent some time listening to the ‘beep’ing of machines and talk of other doctors and nurses. It should have been quite disturbing, especially with the one case where someone came in with their hand burned to a crisp, but you felt dozier and dozier. Just by the time one of the nurses came to check on your stitches you had fallen asleep.

_This is new,_ you thought to yourself as you kept walking down the dark nothingness. It was weird, like walking on water, but without getting wet. All you saw was an infinite dark sky above and bottomless sea below. Still, you kept walking. _Something cool should happen soon._ A few more steps, _nothing._ It wasn’t unusual for you to have these kinds of dreams, walking between a state of awareness and deeper sleep. Still, something usually happened.  
“So, I was right,” sounded from somewhere. Not your voice. _Hm, mental inner turmoil perhaps?_ When you saw him, you came to a halt. You’d never seen this one before. _How peculiar._  
“Who are you?” you asked. _Oh, no._ Were you in between stages of sleep again? Did this mean you were losing control?  
“You don’t recognize me.” Not a question. There was something familiar with him. Dark hair, dark clothes, dark eyes. Then it dawned on you.  
“It’s you,” you said as you squinted your eyes, feeling the burn within your chest. How dare he interrupt your ~~beauty~~ sleep?  
“You total asshat!” you yelled and found a couple of shoes you conjured out of thin air, and with all your might you began tossing them towards the stranger interrupting your dream. The stranger’s eyes widened before he covered his body with his arms, trying to shield himself from your inevitable shoe-attack.  
“How dare you? First you scare the shit out of me, then you dare interrupt my amazing, fantastic beauty sleep? What did I ever do to you?” you yelled, all the while still tossing shoes, none of which hit your target. _That’s weird._ You used to be an excellent thrower in your sleep. When he realized that the shoes couldn’t hurt him, he straightened out his back and looked at you with dark eyes. Your heart skipped a beat. It wasn’t supposed to feel so real.  
“I’m not interrupting your dream,” Kylo Ren said. “You’re in mine.”


	5. Sleepless on D'qar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I know I'm posting -very- frequently now, but that's just because I have a few chapters done already. In the future I think there'll be a chapter a day, but for now, enjoy the overflow!

Every ounce of courage deflated like a balloon. Some would even say it popped. That wasn't what you had expected him to say. Occasionally your dreams took a turn on you, but you hadn't thought it would do something that bizarre. You had heard about this. Sure, it would ~~never~~ happen to you?   
"In yours?" you asked, looked around, then back at him once more. _No mask this time._   
"Yes," his voice was so dark. Why couldn't he sound like he lived on helium? It would make this conversation so much more pleasant.   
"Why are you asleep now? Isn't it like in the middle of the day?" you asked, suddenly feeling a little more courageous. This was still just a dream, after all.   
"I could ask you the same thing."   
"I got shot, asshat."   
"It wasn't that bad," he scoffed. Was that a snicker? ~~Surely not.~~  
"What? Yes, it was. They were an inch from removing my whole leg. Like, you could have crippled me for life," you crossed your arms. You still had arms, right? Yes, nothing weird was going on with you in this dream, except, of course-   
"Was that your own prognosis, doctor?" How did he manage to look so arrogant? You preferred him with his mask on, and with much less emotion. Then again, he wasn't as scary in this dream. He surely couldn't kill you in your own dream, right? Unless this was actually as real as it felt. _Wait._  
"That's really generic of you. Doctor can be almost anything. It never said that I was a medical doctor."   
"So much braver than when you kneeled before me." _Did he just take a step forward? ~~He totally took a step forward.~~_ In the midst of feeling yourself deflate again, you reminded yourself that he couldn't hurt you. _Right?  
"_That implies so many things that didn't happen." Your foot hit something behind you. An edge?   
"Why are you here?" Another step forward. There was something gleaming in his eyes. He obviously wasn't quite sure what to make of this either. You would wake up soon. _Any time now._  
"Holiday," you said. He looked dangerously close now.   
"Don't lie to me. It won't look good on you."   
"You're threatening me again? The same sentence twice doesn't sound to intimidating anymore. " He was so close. You could feel his breath on your skin. It was much more pleasant than it would have been in real life. No stinky breath, no cool air and best of all; he couldn't actually touch you.   
"Why were you on Polowitar?" _Why did he bother asking?_ It wasn't like you were going to answer him. He lifted his hand. _And there wasn't a chance in hell he would get inside your head._ For a second he lingered, hesitant as he held it inches from your head.   
"Tell me," he ~~asked~~ demanded.   
"I really, really like yellow," you said. There was a tiny pressure. _Surely, he could do better?_ Then his hand dropped to his side, and he looked at you thoroughly, as if he searched for something.   
"You're real," he began. "I didn't think that was possibl-" 

With a jolt you woke up, feeling as if your heart was going to give out and you barely caught your breath before it ran off. Startled, you looked around, trying to familiarize yourself with your surroundings. _Right. Medical wing. Leg. Ouch. Poe?_ He sat beside you, his head barely supported by his hand, eyes closed and breathing slow. Judging from the lighting, it was starting to get dark. _Already?_ A tiny 'biiip' and softer 'boop' made you aware that something stirred to your side.   
"Hey, if it isn't my favorite android?" you said, letting your arm fall by your side to give the tiny machine a little 'bop' on top of the head. He made a few sounds, looking at you as questionably as a droid possibly could.   
"No, I just had a bad dream." You rubbed your eyes slightly, feeling tiredness overwhelm you once more.   
"What do you say? Up for a walk?" you asked. He made another 'beeeeep'. Defeated you looked down. _Right. Leg._ New courage blossomed as you looked to a wheelchair at the other side of the secluded area.   
"Be a doll, will you?" you asked, but BB-8 had already began moving the chair in your direction. 

"It wasn't about anything bad, really," you said as you rolled down the tiny road. There were still a few people up, but no one seemed to give a second thought to a wheelchair and a droid passing by. BB-8 bip-bopped.   
"No, nothing scary. Well, a little scary. It was Ren," you said, and suddenly a whole lot of bip-bopping happened beside you.   
"Nonono, not that kind of dream. It was fine. We just.. talked, I guess?" A little calmer biip this time.   
"He asked me some question, and I asked him some, I think, and then we just stared at each other. There was a lot of staring. I even saw how I think he would look like without a mask." A few rocks were in the way of your wheels, so you carefully rolled around them. The droid followed suit, answering you.   
"Disappointingly human, if I may say so. No funky ears, no extra eyes, not even a scar. Just lots of dark hair, dark eyes and dark clothes," you said. There were fewer people out now, just a few mechanics closing up the hangars. Most of them looked like they needed to sleep. How envious you were.  
"I'm not taking any chances, BB-8. It felt too real. Will you help me stay awake?" 

When BB-8 had agreed to help you, he didn't think it meant that he would have to keep you company around the clock for three days. It didn't help that the lack of sleep made you moodier, barely able to remember why you had asked the droid for help in the first place. Most of the time was spent in a bed, which was incredibly boring and not very productive for either of you. If Poe wondered why his droid was unavailable to him all the time, he didn't ask. You were happy that he didn't.   
"Four," you said and looked up at the droid from behind your cards. He shook his head the best he could, but you weren't convinced.   
"No fours? Really?" you asked, again.   
"But there's no more cards on the deck, I don't have any, so you must have four fours." you said. He bip-booped quite angrily at you, making you toss your hands in the air.   
"Exactly! I don't have any, you have all of them. You could have caught me in my lie, and then you would have won,» you said. He answered. "Oh, don't you patronize me. I tried to let you win."   
"Why are you yelling at my droid?" Poe asked as he pushed a curtain away, stepping into your designated area for recovery. Seldom he had seen you look worse for wear: your eyes mimicked that of a panda's, your body looked like a sack of stones, and he swore that he could see your hands shake by the weight of the cards.   
"Not yelling. Letting him win," you said, throwing your cards down. You watched as Poe sat himself down, measuring you up and down for a few moments.   
"You look like you could use some sleep."   
"I'm not tired."  
"You look tired."   
"I'm not," you barked, glaring at him. He threw his hands up in the air, surrendering completely.   
"When was the last time you slept?" he asked, and you looked away, saying something inaudible. BB-8 on the other hand, replied very willingly.   
"You snitch," you said, but Poe interrupted you.   
"Three days? Why haven't you slept?" he asked, quite baffled. If you only could carry that caring look of his wherever you went. It would certainly make life easier.   
"Not tired."   
"Bullshit," Poe said. You glanced at him. He usually wasn't one to snap back.   
"Are you scared?" he continued. Reluctantly you nodded.   
"Of what?"   
"Doesn't matter."   
*Clearly it does."   
"Just leave me alone."   
"How long were you planning on staying awake?"   
"For as long as I can," you said. Your thumbs found each other, fimbling as they usually did. Before you could say anything else, Poe whistled to get the attention of two nurses who hurriedly scooted over to you.   
"Give her some sedative, preferably enough to knock out a wookiee," he said, and the nurses went on their way before you managed to blink. Panic got ahold of your chest, knocking all air from your lungs.   
"You can't do that," you said, gripping onto your bedsheet.   
"I can, and I just did. Look, you can't torture yourself, nor BB-8 like this. The sedative will knock you out to a dreamless slumber, letting your leg heal properly and give you some rest. You don't have to be brave all the time," he said, leaning forward. _Brave. You were never brave. Why couldn't he let you have this?_  
"Don't put me under," you begged, just as the two nurses returned, holding a familiar liquid. Color drained as they looked at you, over to Poe, back to you, then the syringe. Then they mixed it with the liquid already flowing into your veins.   
"I'll never let any of you into my operation room ever again," you glared, not really having the strength to fight back. 

_Curse Poe, curse the nurses, and curse everything even mildly relaxing._ It hadn't changed much since last. There was still infinite water below, and endless sky above, enclosing the two of you in darkness. This time you stood further apart, and Kylo Ren made no hints at wanting to come closer. You stood there for quite some time, and you managed to get an even more vibrant feeling of the dream. You didn't freeze, but it still felt cold. As if every muscle in your body tensed, making you shake with anticipation.  
"Took you a while." Kylo finally said.   
"Didn't think you'd be here. What? Do you always sleep?" you asked, crossing your arms, not quite sure where to put them. It had been night when Poe betrayed you, so it wasn't as illogical that Kylo would be here this time.   
"You're force-sensitive," he said, making all hairs on your body stand up in defiance. _Of course, he would find out._  
"Doesn't matter,"   
"I think it does. It takes quite a lot to force-dream with someone else."   
"You make that sound way dirtier than it is."   
"Now you're stuck here."   
"Not for long," you said, uncrossing your arms once more. _Where were you supposed to put them?_  
 _"_ I think you are. Had this just happened once, you wouldn't be back," he said. Pause. "This also explains something else I've been wondering about." It darkened. The water below you didn't seem as clear anymore and the sky lost its stars. Goosebumps covered your skin. Curiosity got the best of you.   
"What?"   
"Why your thoughts are so loud," he said. Something eerie slithered down your spine. _No. "_ And still so quiet." You let out the breath you'd been holding in.   
"There isn't just Skywalker anymore, is there?" he asked, taking a step forward. _Not this shit again._  
"You're a Jedi." 


	6. Truthful-truth-truthtime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so happy that you guys seem to like this fanfiction! Thank you for comments and kudos and hits! <3

_How? How had he come to that conclusion?_ Your fingers trembled against your thigh, and you just watched him. No one in the world could interrupt you. You were drugged beyond recognition, and unless Kylo was going to wake up any time soon, you were stuck there with him. _Better make the most of it._  
"No," you said, confidence running through your veins like a sedative. "No, I'm not. Never been trained."   
"I refuse to believe that," he replied.   
"Why?"   
"The force. It's too strong with you. Unless you knew what you were doing, you wouldn't have been able to force-bond with me," he said, and you threw your hands up, looking away.   
"First of all; ewwwwww," you started, "Second of all; I didn't do anything to you. This you managed all by yourself."   
"Then why are you in my dream? We're not in yours."   
"How can you tell?"   
"You wouldn't have known what I looked like. I'd still wear my mask," he said. Your mind began to grind. How had you managed to do anything to him? There was no chance you had intended for it to happ- _Hold up._  
"Wait, you're saying this is _actually_ what you look like?"   
"Yes."   
"No way. You can't be that pretty. Where's the scar? You should be older. Or, maybe not. How old is General Organa?" you asked, looking at him. A stroke of victory brushed against you when you saw that he, too, looked bewildered.  
"You speak of my mother?"   
"I do."   
"How is she?" The question threw you off guard. _What did he care?_  
"Why? You left her. And Han. Your own parents. That's such an inhumane thing to do," you said, suddenly feeling a little nauseated by the man in front of you. _Could he even be defined as a man? Probably more of a boy. And ooooh, suddenly you're all dramatic yourself._ It felt nice. Like a brush of importance.   
"You're so courageous, confident I won't harm you." There was some curiosity in his voice, and suddenly he had left behind some doubt for you to pick up. Surely there had been a reason for you to feel so sure?   
"If you wanted to harm me, you would have done so already."   
"Why do you think that?" he asked. His lips curled upwards, revealing a confident gleam. There must be a good reason for you to not wake up yet. This infinite torture was not it.   
"You demand answers. I won't give them. You say I force-bonded with you. Surely that must mean I am stronger?" you said. _Ok, maybe this infinite torture was it._ The look on his face was priceless anyhow. The familiar ball of doubt came rolling down a hill once his look darkened.   
"I have sworn to rid the universe of the Jedi. I will find you."  
"Yadayadaya," you said, your hand mimicking a mouth opening and closing. _Oh no, you were getting too confident. There was never a very good reason to mock one of the most powerful men in the galaxy._ "You find me, you kill me, bladibla. Problem is, you won't find me. And I'm too much of a coward to show my face anywhere near you ever again, so," you said. Kylo looked at you for a second.   
"Does that mean you found what you were looking for on Polowitar?"   
"Nope, no, nopety nope, you're not getting an answer out of me, sir," you said, closing your eyes and throwing your hands up in the air. You shouldn't have. The second you let your guard down, Kylo stepped closer. Soon enough he began circling you, thoroughly looking for a weak spot. You felt like a snowman under the sun. Even though you were chilled to the bone, a threat kept shining above you.   
"You're going back," he said.   
"No,"   
"So you're not going back? You found it, then?"   
"No, yes, well, no. Stop. This won't work," you said, suddenly aware of how close he stood. You refused to turn. The logic was flawless of course. If you turned to face him, you'd have to feel how real the fear felt once more. If you didn't look at him, you could remember that it was a dream. _Out of sight, out of mind and all that._  
"This is working perfectly," he ~~purred~~ said, and a chill went through your spine as you felt his gloved hand close to your neck. He brushed hair away from your shoulder, his fingertips gracing your skin. _It felt too real._  
"See you soon." 

This time there was no jolt that woke you. Just eerie peace. Someone was holding your hand. No, wait, _something_ was holding your hand.   
"Oh, doctor. You're awake. What a pleasant surprise."   
"Hey, C-3PO," you said, retracted your hand and looked at him. "Where is everybody?" There wasn't a soul other than yourself in the whole medical wing. That was unusual. Most of the time there was a doctor running around, if not yourself, and someone was always hurt. Always.   
"In The meeting, doctor."   
" _The_ meeting?" you asked, cocked a brow and watched as the droid shifted uncomfortably in his seat.  
"Oh, you do not know. Well, of course you do not. Did you know that holding someone's hand will increase the chance of feeling connected by sevent-"   
"What meeting?" you asked, beginning to raise yourself up.   
"I am sorry, but I must insist that you stay in bed."   
"I've been in bed long enough." _What was going on with you? Usually you would jump at the chance to skip meetings about danger._ This time there was a gut-feeling. You cursed yourself for having an urge to follow it. Still, slowly you raised yourself up. The wheelchair was no longer necessary, but you grabbed ahold of some crutches. C-3PO couldn't do anything but follow you as you limped out of the hangar. Sure enough, a trail of footprints led you right to where you thought it'd be.  
"Doctor, I really must insist," said C-3PO. You ignored him. The doors were closed, but with some struggling you managed to open them. You weren't sure what you expected when you entered. A part of you thought you'd slip into the room without anyone noticing. Another part said that there would be an awkward silence for a bit while you settled into a corner, letting them continue. You'd never imagine that the whole room would become silent and kept being silent for a long while. All eyes were on you. _Was there something on your face?_ You could hear someone breathe across the room. There was so many people. Too many to count, and even though most of the faces were familiar, you felt like a complete stranger. Still, you cleared your throat, used your crutches and began moving towards a corner in the room. You didn't get very far.   
"We didn't think you'd be awake yet," said General Organa. You found her in the middle of the room, next to a strategy map.   
"Well, here I am. Please continue," you said as you finally found your corner, settled and watched the mass watch you. A knot tied around your heart once they didn't immediately go back to their business. You let out a puff of air once they did, making a few people around you turn back to you. It had never been this easy getting anyone’s attention.   
"We have to get to Jakku. I know someone. He will help." Leia said, looking through the crowd, her eyes resting on you longer than necessary.   
"Jakku? There's nothing but desert and scavengers at that planet," Cova Nell said, looking through the map.   
"Even better. The First Order will never know we were there," Leia began. The crowd fell in silence. "It's settled then. When it comes to who is going," she continued, eyes wandering the crowd once more until they landed on you. _Here it comes,_ you thought, _you are the only one who will slip under their radar. Please, we count on y-  
"_Poe Dameron. I trust you to do it right," she finished, her gaze leaving you. For a few seconds you just stood there. _Disappointed?_ No, surely not. You'd usually be thrilled that you weren't leaving the planet. The crowd scattered, leaving you baffled. You tried to say something when Poe passed you, but your voice got stuck in your throat, so he just shot you a look ~~of pity,~~ before he walked away. When everyone was gone, leaving just you and the General, you looked up at her. She stood in front of you, her hands clasped in front of her.   
"You must feel disappointed," she said.   
"What? No, no of course not," you scoffed. It was obvious that she didn't believe you.   
"Things are going to change."   
"How?" you asked. The general sighed.   
"We are going to retrieve part of the map that leads to Luke," she said. For a second you just looked at her, baffled. It was hard to find the words for something you didn't quite understand. Therefor you just asked;   
"Why?" She shifted.   
"We need him to train you," she finally said. Chills went down your spine. Of course, Leia knew, but you had agreed solemnly that you were supposed to stay hidden, preferably forever. You were of no use to anyone.   
"Why?" you asked once more. She took a deep breath, implying that you should too. You did.   
"The First Order has set a bounty on your head now. They know that you possess the force."


	7. Wanted for disposal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! After this chapter it will be all caught up, and from now on there will probably be a chapter a day, with a few exceptions. Hope you enjoy!

You must have been out longer than you thought. No way that Kylo Ren had been able to announce a bounty that the whole galaxy knew of without being awake for a while.   
"When did you find out?" you asked. For a moment the General looked like she wasn't going to answer.   
"A few hours ago. It got announced aproxomatly half a day ago." You looked at your boots. They still had specks of sand on them.   
"There's a child," you said, finally. At first it sparked Leia's interest, but then she must have realized where you were going with this.   
"Don't tell me," she said, beginning to back away.   
"Someone must know," you said, leaning away from the wall that had been your crutch the last few minutes.   
"There's a child that's connected to the force. She can't be older than five. I felt her presence on Polowitar."   
"Why did you tell me? This would have been better off if it was just you who knew." Leia asked, looking a little greyer than before.   
"Because I'm not a Jedi. I never will nor want to be. She might be it," you began. "Please, General. Don't find Luke for me. I swear that I'll never leave base again. I can work with strategies. I can keep track of the girl _and_ Kylo Ren. Don't make me fight." When you were done, you looked at the General with eyebrows that might as well have been knitted together. Your heart sank as you saw how dissappointed she was. It wasn't a new look on her, especially when it came to you. _There's never been a coward in the Skywalker family._  
"I'm sorry. Poe is going to Jakku, and that's the end of it. You will stay here untill we have cleaned up this mess." Then she walked away, dramatic as she could be. _Why won't anyone ever leave a conversation normally?_  
It wouldn't hurt with a little _' Bye, doctor, I have other things to do'_ or ' _Sorry, was there anything else you wanted to talk about? no? good.'_ or ' _Byebye, I have a cat to feed.'._ No, they just had to walk away with their capes blowing in the non-existent wind, expecting every set of eyes to watch them as they walked. Still, you couldn't look away untill she had walked out the door. 

"I can't believe she's sending you," you said, as you leaned out of the cockpit, your head ontop of stacked fists against the wing of the battleship.   
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Poe. A small echo joined him as his head was stuck down the engineroom. BB-8 watched from the ground, making small 'beep's and 'boop's every once in a while when Poe or you dropped something.   
"Why didn't they send Flo for example?" you continued, not really asking anyone but yourself. A very offended and dirty face popped up from its hiding place, glaring at you.   
“Are you saying that I’m not good enough a pilot?” he scoffed, wrinkling his nose.   
“That’s not at all what I’m saying. But I am heavily implying that you drugged me, which gives me the advantage of always being right from here on out.”   
“I did it for you, you stubborn Wookie. And also, I had to carry you onto the plane, and all you do is offend me?” He looked like he was going to throw you right back down.   
“Druuuuuuuuuugged,” you sang. Once again he looked at you like a Sith meeting Anakin Skywalker, but then he stuck his head down back into the engineroom.   
“What do you care anyway?” he asked.   
“It’s just that I don’t understand it.”   
“You don’t have to understand it, you just have to accept the fact that I’m the best pilot the Resistance got,» he said smugly, ending the discussion.   
“Give me the thingy-ma-bob, will you?” he continued and held out his hand. You looked at him, then the different tools in the toolbox, then back at him again.   
“Which one of them?” you asked.   
“I can’t remember what it’s called. Just read my mind, will you?” _Oh_. _Of course._ You handed him a thing that looked like a wrench, but still didn’t look like one at all.   
“Not that one.» You gave him another tool. This one looked like a very sloppy pencil.   
“No.” Third time is the charm.  
“Nope.” Fourth time is the charm?   
“Can’t you just use the force to understand what I want?” he asked, obviously tired of the guessing game.   
“Is that what this is about? The force?” you asked, and Poe threw his arms up in the air. BB-8 made some bleeping below you.   
“No, not at all,” he began, reached over to the toolbox, picked up the sloppy pencil and stuck his head back into the engine. “I’m not mad that my best friend has got a bounty on her head. Not at all. I’m not mad at the fact that said friend possesses a superhuman ability, which she explicitly didn’t tell me about. I’m not mad that the most dangerous man in the galaxy is hunting her down, and I’m certainly not mad that I had to learn about my friend being a Jedi through an intercom, after the whole galaxy found out first.” his voice escalated in volume as he spoke, and in the end he was downright yelling at the engine.   
“You sound a little mad,” you said. He snapped.   
“Of course I am mad, you Gungas.” _Gungas_? Now you were insulted.   
“Pardon?” You said, lifted your head and cocked a brow.  
”You heard me. How long have you been a Jedi?”   
“Technically I’m not a Jedi, never been trained.”   
“Doesn’t matter.”   
“Actually it d-“   
“When were you going to tell me?” Poe looked up from the engine. You wished he hadn’t. Color drained from his face as he saw yours.  
“Never?” he asked, clearly not wanting an answer.   
“Preferably.”  
“So, what? You were going to let me find out once you’re dead? When Kylo Ren has slaughtered you, and delivered your body to us? Saying something along the lines of ‘I’m so dark and mysterious, but this tiny little humanbeing had secrets big enough to blow up a sun’?” Oh, steam was fuming out of his ears.   
“Now you know, so no, you won’t figure it out that way. Also, who says that it’s Ren who will slaughter me? Might as well be anyone else who wants a little money. Heck, I might even end up killing myself by accidentally tripping over a ledge,” you said. Poe pointed the sloppy pencil in your direction, threatening you as if it was a lightsaber.   
“Don’t you dare even joke about that,” he fumed. _Oh, how intimidating the puppy could look_. You leaned over the wing once more.  
“I didn’t tell you because it would just put you and me in more danger,” you said, and he scoffed. “What? You think that you can endure Kylo Ren’s mindtricks?” you continued, glancing over at him with a cocked brow. His shoulders untensed and he snickered.   
"Yeah, I would."   
"How can you be so sure?" you asked, squinting as sunrays hit your face.   
"I have handled you for too many years. If you are able to possess the force, then Kylo Ren can't be too bad."   
"That's not how the force works."   
"I thought you said you didn't know anything about the force," he said, smiled and dived back to working with the mechanics.   
"I said I was never trained," you began. "That doesn't mean I don't read. Or feel-" you came to a halt. For a while, only the sound of metal against metal sounded, and soon Poe popped his head up trying to figure out why you became so silent. Problem was, you were nowhere to be seen. Somehow you had managed to get off the airship, down onto the ground, reached BB-8 who helped you with the crutches, then limped off. Poe just looked after you, baffled.   
"Where are you going?" he yelled, coughing because of the dustlayer you left behind after you sped away ~~as fast as the crutches could carry you.~~   
"To sleep," you yelled back. This made Poe knit his eyebrows together, swallow some air, and go back to his mechanics.   
"That was a very weird thing to say. Why didn't she have this entusiasm about bed seventeen hours ago?" he mumbled, but all he got as an answer was a very high-pitched 'booop' from the ground. 

"I'm in incredible pain. Ouch. You have to sedate me. Completely. Knock me out cold. Senseless. I don't want to wake for the next four hours," you said, grabbing ahold of an innocent nurse just trying to pass you.   
"No, sir, we can't do that."   
"Why not?" you asked, still dragging him along with you untill you reached the medical bay. He didn't say anything for a short while.   
"Well, fair question. I guess we can," he said then, walking off in the other direction. Your eyes trailed him untill you were certain that he was actually fetching the sedatives. That's when you saw the hologram, floating in the middle of the area. It had been an obvious conversation starter considering the amount of people that talked in groups around it. You kept limping towards it. Some turned. Some began whispering, obviously about you. Still, all you could do was look up at it in awe. You had never seen yourself up that close before. Was that really how you looked? Your gaze shifted to the text below it. _No need to panic._  
  
**By law of the First Order;  
WANTED - ALIVE:   
**  
**For Conspiracy Against the First Order**   
**In power of The Force, proceed with caution  
  
REWARD: 720 000 credits. **  
  


"That's more than I would be able to count," you heard someone say, and you snapped out of your trance. _Oh. Oh no._ This was bad. This was way worse than you ever thought it would be. You had been wrong. How could you accept this with such calm? You were going to _die._ You would be _slaughtered._ A familiar knot tied in your chest, but you were too busy trying to breathe. Were your muscles giving out? You think they were. The crutches. Where were the crutches? How were they suddenly on the ground? You couldn't remember how to breathe. Your heart was giving out, you were sure of it. Someone was standing on you, you knew it. _Have to get away._ Why was someone clutching your arms together? You had to _move._ Couldn't anyone understand that? Someone screamed. It was high-pitched and terrible, like a puppy getting kicked. The ground closed around you. It was going to suffocate you. There's no escape. Someone stabbed you. Another scream. The kind that stays in your throat for days. Suddenly, darkness. Calm. Peace. Dreams.


	8. One spoonful of dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm not quite sure how this turned out to be what it became.

The infinite water below you seemed different, somehow. Your feet touched the surface, barely breaking it and making the soles of your feet wet, but you weren't afraid of going under. Instead you crouched down, feeling the water with your fingertips. There was lighter than before. Just tad more and the water would be see-through. You wondered for a second what could be hiding beneath the darkness. Then you let go of the thought. Another presence filled the space, making everything seem even more quiet, but still threatened to bang a drum beside your ear.   
"How long have you been here?" he asked. _How long had you waited?_  
"Too long, but I assume time moves differently in here. Last time you left before me, but still managed to steal half a day from me," you said and raised yourself up once more. There was a good amount of space between you this time, and you could barely make out his silhouette in the darkness. You clasped your hands behind your back, waiting for him to reply. The threat of the drum became louder.   
"Ok, since you're obviously not going to say anything, I am," you began. If you had been able to see his facial expression, you would have seen that his eyes narrowed. But you didn't.   
"This, the thing you're doing right here," you said, waving your fingers in the air, pointing to nothing, but everything at the same time. "This is bullshit. This is not how the force works."   
"I thought you said you didn't have any training," he said. It felt weird that you could hear him clear as day even though he stood very far away.   
"I don't. Doesn't mean I don't pick up a book or two," you said. "I'm not doing this."   
"How can you tell?"   
"The effort would have killed me,"   
"Clever girl," he said, taking a step towards you. Still far away from the light.   
"You know how weird that sounds? How would you feel if I said 'clever boy'? It's so extremely humiliating and manipulative. I'm not five, nor am I a pet," you said, calm as the water below you.   
"Do you prefer 'woman?" he asked.   
"No, I prefer doctor,"   
"'Clever doctor'," he began, obviously tasting the words in his mouth. "No, that doesn't seem right."   
"Anyway," you said, taking a deep breath in, shaking the tension away with your hands. "You must be the one doing all of this. You've had enough training, enough experience, enough strength." For every point you made, you put up a finger and walked a step forward.   
"How do you talk so much?" Kylo asked, a hint of amusement hidden beneath his eerie darky-self. A bit taken aback you stopped, looked at him and opened your mouth. You closed it quickly again. Then you opened it once more.   
"Very easy. You see, in the throat there's this vocal cord that sends vibration-"   
"You know what I meant," he said, and you swallowed your tongue for a second time. Then you gulped it right back up.   
"You are distracting me from my point," you said and pointed at him with a spoon that was suddenly in your hand. _Sweet._  
"What's your point then?" he asked and took a few steps towards you, enough to make it into the light. He looked tired. How was it possible that someone looked tired in their own dream?   
"My point is that this is all you. Which also reminds me," you said, looked at the spoon in your hand, and then accused him with it with an extreme enthusiasm.   
"You made me a wanted woman!" you all but yelled, but Kylo didn't even flinch.   
"I thought you preferred doctor," he said, a humorous smile on his lips. _How badly you wanted to peel that right off his whole face._ _  
_"That is not the point," _had your voice gotten lighter?_ "You did something extremely stupid," you said, and suddenly the whole darkness of Kylo got even darker.   
"It's not wise to enrage me," he began. You swatted it away like a fly on a windshield.   
"What are you going to do? Kill me? We're in a dream, you Gungas." Kylo's anger faded like color in the sun.   
"Gungas?" he asked, a little bit insulted, and a tiny bit confused.   
"Yes, you know those with lo-," you interrupted yourself and waved your hands in front of your face, "That's not the point. How could you set a bounty on me? Like, do you know what you've started?"   
"Tell me," he said, calmness being him once again. _Why was this so funny to him?_  
"I would have stayed off your radar forever, you know? You wouldn't even have known that there was another one connected to the force in the universe if you'd just let it be. Now I have to get training, and I must become powerful, and I have to kick your ass,"   
"As if you could."   
"I could. Totally."   
"Is that why you prayed so hard that I wouldn't kill you the first time we met? Is that why those frightened thoughts deafened every other thing in the universe? You're no hero," he said, and goddamn, it stung like a thorn. _Wait._ Had he actually read your mind at that time?   
"Why?" you asked, some treacherous feelings threatening to break to surface. _Damn it,_ you were supposed to be able to control your dreams. How could something so simple make you angry?   
"Why what?" he asked.   
"Why did you have to ruin my life? I was peaceful."   
"You were resistance-scum. I've done you a favor."   
"I _am_ resistance-scum, thank you very much. And what kind of favor is that? By setting a bounty on my head?" you asked, your voice breaking. Emotions welled up, making your limbs shake. _Why were you holding that damn spoon?_ _  
_"If you want, I can end you instead," he said.  
"No, no, that's not what I want. Why do you care about what I do anyway?"   
"I don't. But I care about what happens to the force. You don't deserve it."   
"Pardon?"   
"How can a frightened _doctor_ like yourself possess something so incredibly powerful? You're nothing," he said, just as casually as if he'd asked you out on lunch, ~~which wouldn't actually be that casual.~~ _How the hell were you holding a spoon again?_ And how could this stranger say these things?   
"OkOkOk, so hold up. If I'm nothing, why the shit are you even bothering with all this? You must have known about the force and I already then," you said, waving that spoon back and forth. You weren't going to let this dark emotional kid bully you into believing you're not great, and awesome, and everything sunshiny. No, you wouldn't have it.   
"I sensed _something_ ," he said. "What's with the spoon?" he asked and nodded towards your hand, which still, to no surprise, still held the spoon.   
"I don't know," you said, quite baffled. "I think I might be hungry." Just as you finished the sentence, another horde of spoons filled the space by your feet. It made both Kylo Ren and you knit your eyebrows together in confusion.   
"First the slippers, now the spoons?" he asked.   
"This isn't a normal way of getting to know someone, you know?" you said, and looked away from your spoons and up at him. You hadn't noticed that he had freckles before.   
"I am aware. Still, it's entertaining."   
"Remove the bounty, please," you said,   
"No," he answered. "You'll be brought to me, one way or the other," he finished, and then he just walked away, his cape blowing in the non-existing wind. _What were with these Solos? Where was he going? You were in a dream; it wasn't as if he could walk far away from you._ The least he could do was explain where he was going and satisfy your curiosity. _What_ _was the deal with the spoons?_


	9. Speechless

You didn’t talk to each other after that. You just sat yourself down and waited for the dream the go away. Occasionally you let your fingertips grace the surface of the water, creating tiny circles as you did. Kylo didn’t care about your presence anymore. Instead he walked around in the infinite surroundings, completely in his own thoughts and completely ignoring you. Not that you had much to contribute. In fact, you’d like to be in another place than him, preferably in another galaxy far, far away. Instead you were stuck in eternal silence, also doing nothing. The spoons came and went, but there seemed to always be one that wanted to be in your hand. You tried to ignore it. It was difficult trying to think. Your thoughts were always interrupted by incohesive sentences, not making you able to think clearly. That’s why you didn’t bother trying after a while. Instead you began daydreaming. _~~Daydreaming within a dream, was that even possible?~~_ Was this the best way to gain energy, for when you woke up? Perhaps not. Still, you couldn’t help yourself. There were airships, battles and pain – Beauty, peace and safety. They collided like different temperatures, creating a tornado within seconds.

They let you out of the medical wing a few days later. You were given a cane, some ~~better~~ boots, and a training program. Most of the base continued like the wanted poster didn’t matter, ~~which it probably didn’t, there were loads of people at the base who had a bounty on their head after all.~~ The only one who didn’t stop thinking about it was you. It was on your mind every second of every day. At night, you stayed on your side of the dream, and Kylo on the other. You didn’t talk, just barely acknowledging each other’s presence. Then you woke up, thought about dying, exercised a bit, thought about torture, talked to Poe while he worked on his x-wing, thought about 720 000 credits, ate a lot, thought about the first order, ate some more, thought about the force, exercised again, went to sleep and dreamt about nothingness and boredom. That became the routine. You hadn’t seen General Organa in a few days, but you figured she was busy doing Leia-stuff or planning your final demise ~~not that Jedi-training would be too bad compared to certain death, but you knew what you didn’t want.~~ Poe wasn’t going to Jakku until his battleship got fixed, which gave you all the time in the world you needed to annoy him.

“Why is that green wire connected to that?” you asked and pointed at it.  
“Light for the aiming system,” Poe answered, seemingly unfaced as he kept trying to pull a plug from another plug.  
“And that?” you asked and pointed to a tiny switch.  
“Uh,” he straightened himself out and looked at the tiny button, squinted and looked back at the plug. “That’s for the crankshaft.”  
“You need a switch for that?” you asked, quite surprised.  
“Obviously I do,” he said.  
“What about this?” you began, and just as you were about to point to it Poe interrupted you by taking ahold of your hand and lowering it.  
“That’s for the acceleration during lightspeed. Please don’t touch it,” he said, smiled slightly and dove back into work. You hummed, looking through at all the other blinking lights and wires. Once in a while Poe stopped with his work and just talked to you, which both of you seemed to enjoy. A tiny break for a long day. Sometimes you talked about sandwiches, sometimes about BB-8 and sometimes about Jakku. He didn't seem scared, something which you had always admired about him. He just dove headfirst into problems, preferably leaving anyone who saw the dive stunned as he did.   
"Question," Poe said as he tried to place the plug back into another plug.   
"Shoot,"   
"BB-8 said you had a dream about Kylo Ren a couple weeks ago?" The second he asked, a chill went down your spine, making you shift your weight from the good foot over to the bad. You didn't notice. _Had there really been weeks?_ _  
_"What about it?" you asked and cursed yourself for noticing how high-pitched your voice got.  
"What was the dream?" _Oh no, truth or lie?_ You had considered telling someone about the little shenanigans that happen at night, but had earlier concluded not to. It was solely because you had been scared they would use it as an argument against you when it came to force-training. Now it had come to a point where it just felt as if it was too late. Just as you had decided that you would tell him, you noticed the grin on his face.   
"What?" you asked, and his toothy grin grew wider.   
"Well, BB-8 said you didn't want to talk about it. Well, maybe you just spared him the details. I mean he's just an innocent droid after a-" Poe said and shrugged. He got a smack up the back of his head.   
"Are you implying that I had a sex-dream about Kylo Ren?" you asked, shocked.   
"Not so loud," Poe said and you wanted to wipe that stupid look of his face. Preferably with sandpaper. Your mind went right to wanting to dismiss him, but then something clicked. There was a way that you would never be asked that question again. So, you just looked away, and nodded shamefully.   
"Yes, you're right," you said, and you went from sandpaper to photo. He looked like he had just swallowed his own saliva and managed to choke on it.   
"No bullshit?" _Oh, you were a horrible liar._ Still, it seemed like he caught the hook.   
"Yes. It was incredibly erotic. Like, he just bent me over li-"   
"No, no, that's enough,"   
"You asked for details,"   
"No, I'm fine," he said and began packing the tools.   
"You wouldn't believe the size of his d-"   
"No, that's not something I want to believe. Please, leave me be," Poe said, smiled, and picked up the toolbox, "Lunch?" 

There was a lot of great thing on D'qar. For example, you had plants, which grew bigger and greener every day. There were also doctors who somewhat knew how to do their job, ~~but they still sedated a patient twice without consent, so it was discussable how good they were~~. What wasn't so great on D'qar was the food. Sometimes it tasted like rotten fish, sometimes rotten fruit, and if you were lucky, you'd get a very purple egg that smelled like a grandma's old socks. This time you got fruit. _Lucky you._  
"How's the leg?" Poe asked as he sat himself down on one of the cafeteria benches. It was nice, doing lunch together most days. It somehow made it possible to swallow anything.   
"Better. I think I can drop the cane soon," you said. It made him furrow his brows slightly.   
"Already?"   
"Yeah. It's been incredibly fast,"   
"Incredibly is key. Didn't your bone get split?" he leaned forward.   
"Well, yeah. And don't think I wasn't a little bit surprised myself, but we got incredible doctors here, so,"   
"You mean yourself?" Poe asked, smiling slightly.   
"Nonono, I can't be my own doctor. What do you take me for?" you said and stuffed a piece of green in your mouth. It wasn't too bad. As both of you fell silent, enjoying the food that didn't taste too good.   
"Want to give me a hand as I try to fire up the old lady after lunch?" Poe asked, and you almost had to shut your mouth manually as he said it.   
"You finished it?" you asked, barely able to contain the joy that filled your bones. Poe lifted his shoulders and smiled, obviously pleased with himself. The joy got replaced by sorrow the second you realized;   
"Does that mean you're leaving for Jakku?" You didn't want him to go. What would you do every day? Surely talking to C-3PO couldn't compare to the company that was Poe Dameron.   
"If she fires up, yes. Both BB-8 and I will leave in the morning,"   
"You're taking BB-8 too?" you asked, a little stunned.   
"Of course, I am, he's my co-pilot,"   
"Not fair. What am I supposed to do while you're gone?"   
"Miss me incredibly and count the days until I return?" he said, smiled sweetly and picked up his jacket. You hadn't even noticed that he had finished his meal. _You couldn't remember seeing him take a single bite even._

Once you reached the outdoors again, you crossed every bone in your body begging for her not to work. He could stay there a few days more, right? Just a few, until you managed to get back on your feet. You would never forget the gleam in his eyes and joy in his voice when the engine creaked, coughed, then fired up. _Frick._


	10. Did we miss the morning?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry, it's been a few days. Went to a Seafret concert last night, and it was one of the most personal and heartwarming concert I've ever been to, probably. I won't bother you with all of that, but if you haven't heard of them, I highly recommend checking them out.

It was weird being concerned about someone more than yourself. Usually when someone you cared about went out on a mission, you trusted them not to frick up. They would leave with their head held high, their weapons loaded and planes perfect. They usually returned with head held higher, weapons empty and ships under no condition to fly. This time was different. Not because anything had changed, no. Poe was champion in high-held-head, weapons all but fired and his x-wing was in tip-top-shape. Still, there was this feeling. Like a someone held your gut and turned it 180 degrees. Like someone held a very smelly fruit right beneath your nose. Something was going to go very, very wrong. And you couldn’t do anything to stop it. 

Instead you paced. And how you paced. You paced the Main Street, the medical bay, the meeting room and the airstrip. You walked until your leg began hurting again, and then continued. Every single sound made you look to the sky, waiting for you companion. Every night you managed to wake yourself up from the eternal darkness with Kylo Ren, just to listen if there were any changes. Then you paced some more, begging yourself not to go back to sleep. 

On the second night they moved you back to your own quarters. They should have done so earlier; you had been way better the last couple of weeks, but you had insisted on staying, just in case there was something else wrong with you. Might have been a tumor. ~~You talked to a murderous psychopath in your dreams after all.~~  
Your room was nothing fancy. A bed with grey sheets, a desk with three and a half leg stacked on a few boxes, some books, and a shelf filled with every precious item in existence. There was an unfinished book about galaxies, given to you from your parents when you were just a kid, a broken star killer helmet, and a very fussy teddy bear named Darth Cuddles. It wasn’t much, but usually it felt like home. Now it felt distant, like there was a monster crawling under your bed. Unfortunately, you were lucky enough to have a monster named ‘bad gut feeling’ hanging over your shoulder at all times, and you were certain that this monster could beat the one under your bed to a pulp. To distract yourself from the inner monster fight you glanced out through the small window hidden beneath your shelf. The day was growing dim. Better do some pacing again. 

You ran into General Leia before you managed to bother counting the steps you had taken. She looked quite grey, with grey hair, grey clothes and grey face. You wanted to ask how she was, but she cut to the chase before you even managed to breathe.   
“The mission failed,” she said, looked at you, looked to your left and back at you once again.   
”I beg your pardon?” You said, feeling the gutmonster being fed and working its way through your other intensities.   
“The vill-“ she began, but took a deep breath and began over, “Somehow The first order knew we were coming, and what we were coming for. I don’t know what happened, but Poe’s X-wing has been destroyed and we aren’t able to contact BB-8.” Your legs grew numb. Your head became light, like sand during a storm. For a second all you could think about was that you didn't know what you were supposed to think.   
"We are doing our best to locate them, but to be honest with you," she took a deep breath, "It doesn't look good." How could your feet feel so cold in over twenty degrees?   
"I'm sorry," you managed to say, not really meeting her gaze. You think she gave you a pat on the shoulder, but you weren't quite sure. It might have been just a breath of wind. Perhaps it was just a muscle contracting. Then she was gone, and you were left with yourself. It wasn't good company. 

There wasn't much you knew in life. Like, why some cultures picked their nose and ate the contents or why you never won at dice. What you did know, was that Poe had stuck to you forever. He'd been your friend through thick and thin, and you had planned on him being there for eternity. So, as you began you pacing again, you knew exactly where to go. After all, it might have been just a huge prank, right? With that in mind, you walked determined towards his quarters. You had been there a thousand times before, but somehow this time it seemed like you would never reach port. Your feet refused to walk in a faster setting than 'Hutt', and your eyes glossed over once in a while. You tried to dry it away with your sleeves, but it just kept coming back.   
His room looked indifferent. There wasn't a poster or action figure than seemed insulted that their master was missing. The helmets on the walls hadn't moved, and the bed was a mess, mimicking the thoughts in your head. A strange feeling tried to make its way into your chest, but you pushed it away. It proved difficult, as every figurine you touched and every sheet of paper recalled the emotion, making your fingers tremble slightly. Just as you picked up a tiny doll of straw, the feeling surged through your fingertips and you couldn't help yourself as you watched the doll crumble in your palm. Devastated you looked at it, remembering how hard it had been to tie the string around the silky thin straws. From there on out you couldn't tell which order things happened in. You remembered screaming, making your throat hurt and voice hoarse. Without touching any of the items, you made them crash into walls, immediately breaking upon contact. One of the broken helmets had landed in your hands, and the storm settled, just for a moment. You placed the front against your forehead, hugging it like an old friend. Your legs failed you, and you sat down on the bed, curling into a ball. The helmet safe in your arms. Then you closed your eyes and began counting your breaths. 

You saw him before he managed to spot you. This time there was no hesitation, no slippers and certainly no spoons. His dark hair had gotten darker, and his back faced you.   
"Hey," you shouted, walking towards him, breaking the surface of the water, making waves that matched you mind. Before you got one step closer, he turned around, and held out his arm. You stopped in your tracks. Not because you wanted to. _The frick?_  
"Something has changed," he remarked, walking towards your frozen form. _You thought the force didn't work in this dream scenario. He hadn't been able to touch you before._ Another step closer. You could feel his breath on your skin as he towered above you, just inches away. You had never been this close. He looked so curious. Like something truly had gotten under his skin.   
"You ape-shit," you said, spitting the words in his direction.   
"You've embraced it," he said, a slight smile caressing his lips. _How dare he?_  
"What did you do?" you yelled to no one’s necessity. It was obvious he could hear you, and willingly ignore you.   
"Fascinating," he whispered, mostly to himself.   
"What did you do?" you repeated through gritted teeth. Finally reaching through, he met your gaze.   
"About what?"   
"Jakku. How did you know?" Every word left your mouth with venom.   
"You've got so many questions," he chuckled. There was a sort of happiness gleaming from his eyes. _Victory._  
"Answer me,"   
"A little bird told me," he said, "Don't act so surprised. She couldn't help it her mind was so easy to invade," as he finished, he released you. You were a second away from shoving him away just as he took a step away. Another deep breath.   
"What did you do?" this time your ice-cold voice cracked under the pressure of heat.   
"What do you want to hear?"   
"What did you do to Poe?" you asked, and for a second he looked like he didn't know what you were talking about.   
"Poe. About this tall," you said and put your hand in the air to demonstrate, "dark curls with an attitude,"   
"Oh, the pilot?" Kylo asked, "We have him." The breath got caught in your throat. Some hope rose in your chest.   
"Let him go," you demanded. He just snickered.   
"No,"   
"What about the droid?" you asked, and suddenly all humor drained from his face. A cold hand clutched your heart.   
"What droid?" _Oh no. He didn't know._  
"The 3po unit," you were quick to say, but he saw straight through your lie.   
" _What droid?"_ he repeated through gritted teeth, taking a step closer once more. This distance could hardly be practical for anyone. You took a step backwards.   
"Release Poe," you said.   
"No,"   
"Then no deal," you finished. Kylo just searched your face for a second, like he wasn't certain what kind of treasure he would find.   
"You care about this pilot, don't you?"   
"I do,"   
"I bet he cares about you too,"   
"Obviously," you said, and he lifted his hand slightly, like he had done before. This time he hesitated, like he wasn't certain about the answers he would get.   
"Thank you," he said. Then you were alone. Nothing to accompany you but your rage. 


	11. Humble Intensity

If there had been anything to move, you would have moved them. The anger was a breeze, but you were a feather that was easily ruffled. _How could he just leave you?_ You had come to interrogate him, and instead you blurted out details that he didn’t know. ~~How could he be so- so-, no~~ , how could you be so _stupid?_ No, wait, there’s no such thing as _stupid._ Instead, you were quite short-sighted. Still it had been impossible for you to know that he didn’t know, right? You hadn’t been able to contact BB-8. _Oh, no._ Hadn’t he survived? You couldn’t afford to think that way. In a short second you realized that you had never been able to think that clearly within a dream. Why? How? Was it because you were alone?

"I know where Poe is," you said as you whipped the door open like a curtain. _Fairly dramatic._ It suited you.   
"I know you want to find him, but-" began General Leia. You totally disrespected her and interrupted her mid-sentence.   
"He's been captured by the first order,"   
"We can't know that," she answered, fairly at ease still, her tone leaving waves of calmness.   
"No, I seriously know where he is," you said, and looked her dead in the eye. It seemed like she understood what you were implying and shifted in her seat.  
“Go on,” she said, looking away from you.  
“He’s aboard the ship that belongs to the First Order. Kylo Ren has him,” the moment you mentioned his name, Leia flinched slightly.  
“How can you be so sure?” She asked, sending a skeptical look in your direction. _Of course, she picked up on it._ You had been a fool for thinking that she would let it slide.  
“I can’t explain it,” It wasn’t that you didn’t want to tell her, but it didn’t feel right. Like she might not have believed you. You should have considered that of all people, General Organa would have understood. Instead, because you didn’t tell her, she pressed her lips together and nodded slightly. A confirmation that she wouldn’t push it further.  
“Try me,” well, never mind that last thought. A little taken aback, you searched her face, but she searched yours first. She knew something was off. How did she know? You thanked the Jedi that you got interrupted, by a very short man in a very red shirt, asking for very much attention in very few words. His name was Carl.  
“We’ve got contact,” he began, and cleared his throat once he realized that The General and yourself just waited for him to continue, “Black Leader reached through a few minutes ago with a distress signal. We traced it back to Jakku,”  
“Speak of the devil and he shall appear,” said General Leia and threw you a side-glance. You didn’t register it. Instead you felt the muscles in your legs begin to tighten, almost like a spring ready to leap.  
“I want to go get him,” you said. Both the very tiny man and The General turned around to face you, very, very slowly.  
“Come again?” Leia said.  
“I want to get him back home,” you repeated, and you swore that both set of eyes couldn’t get bigger.  
“ _You_?” began the tiny man,  
“You want to go? You want to actually leave this planet?” finished Leia, and looked at you like you had said that you wanted to take out the First Order all by yourself, and you felt like you had just said that you wanted to save a friend.  
“Yes,” you said, your gaze darting between them.  
“You do know that it will be dangerous, right? Jakku is full of scavengers, killers, monsters, to just mention a few,” said Carl as he scrolled down a list on his wrist.  
“Yeh, I know,” you said.  
“Have you hit your head?” he continued, but General Organa stopped him by putting her hand up.  
“No, it’s fine. I’ll set up a team for you, but all you do is get Dameron on ship, then return to us,”  
“What if we meet the First Order?” you asked. She sighed.

Your team wasn’t much to speak of, but at least you weren’t in charge. Your Captain for the evening was a robust man by the name of Willyflonxus, and insisted on you calling him ~~Willy~~ Willyflonxus, last of his name. He was quite green. Not because of his talent with plants, or his skin. No, he was in fact quite new to the whole ‘being-a-Captain’ deal. First clue; he asked his crew about where Jakku was. Everyone knew you were never supposed to ask as a Captain. You were supposed to demand. ‘Hey, you, tiny little insignificant being, bring us to Jakku. Or even better; bring Jakku to us,’ was something you expected him to say, but instead, he asked politely, waited patiently and asked for every crew-members name. Not that you were many. There was Flo, your trusted pilot. You, the doctor. Flick and Swish, the fighters and of course, Willyflonxus, the last of his name. The ship was steady and ready for boarding before you knew it, and just as you were about to join your team, a familiar knot tightened in your chest. Not that you had time for it. The knot tightened, but you pulled the strings, forcing it back to a straight line. You had all the time to be scared once Poe got back home.

Jakku was way scarier than you thought it would be. The second you landed and your captain, Willyflonxus, the last of his name, kindly asked you to leave the ship, you hesitated. Every thought about saving your friend and getting home vanished, and all you could think about was death, destruction and the end of everything good. Then it disappeared in an unfamiliar feeling of courage. In the silver lining between those moods, you managed to wonder about which one was the clear one.   
"The distress signal came from over there," said Swish and pointed to a few meters in front of you. Every sense of rationality abandoned you, and you began sprinting. It was quite a futile task as sand is a bitch to run in, but you tried none the less.   
"Poe," you mumbled or shouted, you weren't quite sure, as you passed the little hill of sand. You didn't know what you expected. Maybe that he'd be there. Perhaps he would have left, leaving sand prints for you to follow. What you didn't expect was a radio with no master.   
"He's gone," you said, not really to anybody except yourself.   
"He can't have gone far," said Swish and disappeared from the corner of your eye.   
"Can't you, uh, doctor, can't you go into town and ask one of the locals?" asked Flick, who had the weapon ready before you managed to turn your gaze towards her.   
"No, I'm wanted," you said and felt air leave your lungs like a popped balloon.   
"You're _wanted?"_ said Flick, and you jumped a bit from the harsh tone of her voice.   
"Why are you here if you're _wanted?"_ she all but yelled. _Oh right, she must be new._ _  
"_ Never mind that, I just can't go into town. Can't someone else do it?"   
"I hate to break it to you guys, but we have several foreign battleships headed straight towards us," said Flo as he stuck his head out the pilot’s window. Captain Willyflonxus, the last of his name, let his hands rush to his balding head.   
"No, we can't have that. Everybody, spread! Spread like butter! Spread like a man's legs during public transportation!" he yelled and began running. _Green._  
"Sir, we should stay together," said Flick, but it was too late. The Captain was too far away, and Flick just threw his hands in the air. Flo watched from the cockpit and shrugged.   
"Fine. Wanted, you're with us," said Flick and began moving in the opposite direction of Willyflonxus, the last of his name. "Flo, check on The Captain. We'll call you when we need you," 

Every step in the sand felt like you were going backwards, and all you could think about was how you were never going to find Poe. Never had you been so distraught, so confused and so lost at the same time. Your legs grew more tired by the second, and soon Flick and Swish turned to face you, both quite exhausted as well.   
"What do you say, Wanted? Want to take a break?" said Flick and threw herself down in the sand before you could answer, but you were grateful and followed suit. The sun worked as hard as it good to make sure you were burned when you returned to D'qar. Luckily Flick and Swish were smart enough to bring water and offered you some, which you accepted with a big smile and new freckled covering your skin.   
"How did you become 'wanted', Wanted?" asked Flick.   
"Pissed of the wrong people," you answered, not really feeling comfortable talking about it,   
"You? You managed to piss off someone?" asked Swish, a hint of humor in his voice.   
"Believe it or not,"   
"I won't," said Swish and leaned backwards. You followed suit once again. Then, nothing. No sound, but an immense pressure against your eardrums. You looked around to see if Swish or Flick noticed it, but your limbs stiffened when you realized that they too had frozen completely.   
"Why is the Force connecting us?" asked a very familiar voice. Before you managed to place it, he stood in front of you. Well, not actually in front of you. He wasn't there.   
"Are we doing this daytime too?" you asked, not revealing how badly your heart was beating.   
"Where are you?" Kylo asked, his voice seemingly completely unfaced by the fact that you were now a day-time thing. Not a couple. A thing.   
"I can sense you. You're not far," he said, and the blood froze in your veins. Before you managed to think a little further, you looked up to the sky, spotting an unfamiliar ship overhead.   
"You can see me," Kylo said again, and this time you let your gaze meet his.   
"Of course, I can, you're standing right there. You can see me too," you said. Anxiously you looked to either side of you, but both Swish and Flick seemed to be two new additions to a wax museum.   
"No," he began, "You're looking for your friend,"   
"No, I'm at home," you lied quickly, not even comprehending the fact that you needed to lie before it was done.   
"No, you've been seen on Jakku," he said,   
"Then what was all that 'I can sense you, you're not far,' shit?" you asked, your voice getting lighter than a mouse, squeaking like a rusty door. He breathed out quickly through his nose, obviously entertained.   
"Just needed the confirmation," he said, and just as you managed to grab a handful of sand and threw it at him, he was gone, and you hit nothing with your deadly weapon of grain.   
"Whoa, I can change my mind if you need me to," said Swish and laughed at the tiny sandstorm you had made. Still, all you could understand was the drops of sweat running down your forehead and your hands shaking violently.   
"We have to go," 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this chapter is a bit messy. I tried working on it, but I just couldn't get it right. I might work on it later, but for now I'll upload it. Hope you like it.


	12. Non-burning Flames

“Well, I, for one, don’t feel quite refreshed yet,” said Flick and closed her eyes as she bathed in the sun.   
“No, I’m serious,” you breathed and looked up at the unfamiliar ship once again. You swore that a few Tie-fighters emerged from it, but it was hard to tell. Might have been a few flies. Luckily for you, Swish followed your gaze.   
“She’s right,» he said, «Time to move,”   
“Thank you,” you replied and jumped to your feet. You hoped the others had found Poe. How badly you wanted to be the one who saved him couldn’t compare to the fright of being found by Kylo Ren. What would he do to you? He’d probably skin you alive. Maybe he’d put his hand against your head again, asking questions you refused to answer. _Perhaps he’d brush that loose strand of hair behind your ear._ Wait. Hold up. What were you thinking? He was a psycho. A very dangerous, very murderous man, hiding behind a fairly pretty face.   
“You look as if Jabba the Hut asked you to strip,” said Flick and giggled slightly. Not the very feminine, young kind of giggle, but the kind where she thought her own joke was very funny, but tried to not laugh too loud.   
“It felt like just I did,” you mumbled, trying the best you could to ridicule the thought of Kylo Ren touching you. It was repulsing. Not at all a feeling that gave you a ball of crawling millipedes in your stomach. No, he had given you nothing but headaches and terrible nights of sleep.   
“So, which way?” asked Flick and turned to Swish. Their blue skin barely stood out from the blue sky, making it an excellent camouflage.   
“Which way would Black Leader go?”   
“Towards town,” you said, not even hesitating. The fighters turned towards you, in slow motion. They looked at you like you had said that you wanted to be a prisoner of The First Order. Perhaps you just had.   
“Excuse me, _Wanted?_ Wasn’t the whole point that you couldn’t be seen?” said Flick, a taste of venom on her tongue. It wasn’t hostile, but rather confused.   
“I think it’s too late,” you began, and almost swallowed your words, “I think they know,”   
“Why do you think that?”   
“Call it a gut feeling,” you said, and Swish looked at skeptical.   
“Gut feeling isn’t good enough,” he said.   
“Well,” you began, a slight hesitation hiding in your voice, “They just sent out more ships,”   
“I don’t see any,” said Flick.   
“Maybe Flo and Willyflonxus, the last of his name, got caught,”   
“I surely hope not,” exclaimed Swish, completely thrown of by your statement.   
“No, I don’t hope so either, but what if,” you said and threw your hands up in defense.   
“Fine,” sighed Swish and Flick threw him an ugly glance.   
“What do you mean fine? What are we going to do? Waltz into town like we own the place?” she asked and threw her hands up in the air.   
“No, of course not,” answered Flick.

~~When you came to town, you just waltzed in like you owned the place.~~ Of course, you didn’t. Instead, you came to the edge of town and was completely interrupted by a pair of stormtroopers guarding the gates. Not that there was much gate to speak of. Instead it resembled a tiny opening into a market. Still they stood there, obviously with no intention of letting anyone who looked suspicious into town. Perhaps Captain Willyflonxus, the last of his name, and Flo had made it past the guards in time.   
“What now, Wanted?” asked Flick. You wrinkled your nose and looked over the fence you were hiding behind. If she had used your name, you would have thought she was your best friend. No one used anyone’s name that frequently unless you wanted to sell something or really liked the person and wanted all the attention. In this case, you thought she just really liked her own nickname for you.   
“Sneak past ‘em?” you asked, not really having faith in your own suggestion.   
“They have blasters,” Swish whispered through gritted teeth.   
“Every single creature in this town will have us turned in the second we show our face,”   
“You’re probably right,” you said, feeling the tiny spark of courage deflate. Then, just to your luck, something caught the attention of the two stormtroopers.   
“There they are,” they said, quite loudly, and you felt your heart completely burst. You weren’t made for this. That’s when you noticed that they hadn’t even seen you. Their focus was on someone else. You followed their gaze to a brunette, with three buns aligned down the back of her head. Beside her you saw a tiny man, wearing a very familiar jacket. Your heart would have stopped if it wasn’t for the dark color of his skin. Then they were gone, with a pair of stormtroopers at their heels. For a second you stood there, quite dumbstruck. A very hard breath of air hit your shoulder and yanked you to your feet.   
“We’ve got to go,” yell-whispered Flick and pulled you with them. Why was someone else wearing Poe Damerons jacket? A familiar knot tightened in your stomach. It wasn’t welcome. Not at all. In fact, you thought the ball could go and ~~screw~~ pull itself together. _No._ Hadn’t he survived? Had someone killed him and taken his jacket? _No._ You couldn’t afford to think like that. Maybe the other guy just wore a jacket that looked like Poe’s. Maybe you had seen a jacket that actually looked completely different. _You knew better._  
“Uh, Wanted?” someone said. You ignored it, trying your best to work on the thoughts that spiraled down a very dark road in your head.   
“Is this you?” again, a very annoying pinch behind your ear.   
“Wanted?” someone said once again, and the fear in their voice brought you back to Jakku. You wanted to snap, but it melted down just in time for you to see the huge walls of sand surrounding you and your ~~friends~~ colleagues. The second you managed to comprehend the seriousness of the situation, the storm settled, and the sand blew away like a carpet being put out to dry.   
“What th-“ began Flick,   
“What did you do?” finished Swish and turned to you. All color drained from your face when you noticed the number of villagers who was looking in your direction.   
“I-I,” you began, but realized that words were futile. Instead you let ~~your friends~~ the people who tolerated you grab your arms once more and drag you away, leaving a tiny flock of locals with very confused faces. Your feet stumbled, feeling just as shocked as yourself.   
“Was that the Force?” asked Swish, the curiosity overwhelming the worry in his voice.   
“I guess,” you said, trying your best to focus the energy to your legs so you could keep walking.   
“You guess?” breathed Flick, obviously not as comfortable with what happened like the other fighter.   
“Yeah, I guess. This is quite new to me,” you said, not really telling the truth when you thought a little bit harder. Sure, the Force hadn’t really been a daily thing before, but you knew you were Force-sensitive since the day you knew what the Force was. You had simply ignored it as long as you possibly could, until the whole of Kylo Ren became a problem.   
“Hands in the air,” _Oh no, this felt eerily familiar._ A speck of pain hit your leg like a bullet ~~hehe~~ , but it was gone the second it came. Still, the whole group of you stopped. Somehow you thought it would be like last time. Where everything would go slow, you’d get some cuffs and be brought to a very dark haired, dark clothed man. That thought got shoved away the second a knee connected with your stomach and all air got knocked from your lungs. The stormtrooper then elbowed you in the back, so you smashed into the sand, right on your stomach. _He had been so quick. You – too slow._ You tried to catch your breath again, but all you could do was inhale sand. Then an immense pressure on your back. It hurt. Like someone held your spine and threatened to crush it completely. Every thought of that went away the second you heard the sound of something charging next to your ear. _Blaster._ You opened your eyes. You hadn’t even realized that you had closed them in the first place.   
“Anybody moves, you’re dead,” said the other stormtrooper standing a little further off. Obviously, there were two of them. The pressure on your back increased. Helplessly you looked over to Flick and Swish who both stood on their knees, with their hands behind their head and eyes on the ground. _How had they been defeated?_ The knot in your stomach became a rock.  
“What do we do now?” whispered the stormtrooper behind your back, clearly not to you. You watched as the other one shrugged his shoulders.   
“He wanted _her_ , didn’t he?” Your breathing hitched at the mention of his pronoun. After all, you knew exactly of whom they spoke of.   
“What? We kill the others?” said ~~the stormtrooper on your back~~ backtrooper.   
“I guess,”   
“Waitwaitwait,” the backtrooper breathed in, releasing the pressure on your back slightly, letting you breathe a little better. Still, you swore you had swallowed a sandcastle by the time you were able to fill your lungs.   
“What if he wants them alive too? Wouldn’t want to piss him off,” he continued, and you stiffened a little as you felt the blaster going around in circles next to your ear.   
“I don’t know man, just take them all alive so we don’t have to deal,” said the other stormtrooper, not whispering anymore.   
“But what if he wants them dead? I wouldn’t w-“   
  
**_Bam_**  
  
A sudden, much more intense pressure on your back. It felt as if you were suffocating, or like the sand would swallow you completely. Another shot. Were you hit? No, it didn’t feel like last time. You tried to turn your neck, but you weren’t even able to lift it. Everything was black. _Oh no._ Were you already dead? _Wait, no._ You felt the pressure, didn’t you? Being dead wasn’t supposed to feel like this. Where was eternal peace? Forever sunshine? There was a lot of muffled voiced, and before you knew it the pressure disappeared. Then, heaven. Dark curls. A smile contagious as the plague. The worlds friendliest face.   
“Hey there, sleepyhead. Need a hero?” smirked Poe Dameron. In his hand was a very familiar piece of clothing. A red leatherjacket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, this is an extreeeeemley slow burn. I hope you want to keep tagging along for the inevitable firework!


	13. Red as a Cherry

"How did you find it?" you asked as you stroked the leather between your fingertips. The ship swayed a little, making your hip bump into Poe's who sat right next to you. It felt weird not having him as a pilot for once.   
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," said Poe and looked up from his hunched over position.   
"Try me,"   
"Well," he began, inhaled, then looked at you. A flash of guilt rode down your stomach as you saw his bruised face. "Kylo Ren brought it to me,"   
"Pardon?" you asked and stiffened your muscles as the ship swayed a bit more. You were in a secluded room, all by yourself in the ship. Captain Willyflonxus, the last of his name, and Flo had found Poe almost as soon as you had parted, which gave them the opportunity to take down the stormtroopers who ambushed Swish, Flick and yourself without being spotted. It had been an ambush within an ambush, and as you all knew, minus and minus equals plus, so of course it worked out for you in the end.   
"He, uh," Poe began, "When I first got on the ship, they didn't hesitate to use all sorts of methods to make me talk. About where the map was, I mean. Being the toughest of the tough, I didn't break. No, I withstood that storm like a Terrain Walker."   
"I'm glad you did," you chimed in, and he smiled to you. It was heartwarming, and so, so welcome.   
"Anyhow, they decided to send in the trump card. The ace. Worlds darkest dark,"   
"Kylo,"   
"Bingo. He asked if I was comfortable, I replied the best I could, then, after a few more words, he was in my head. It hurt so bad. Like everything was going to explode, and I couldn't push him out. No matter how hard I tried, he just kept going further. Then he made it even worse," a slight hesitation in his voice, "Are you ever going dark? Like darkside-dark? Like dual lightsaber-wielder dark?"   
"Not today, no," you replied and smiled slightly at the question. Poe kept looking serious.   
"I'm serious," he said, and you felt a little silly for joking about it when you saw how pained he looked.   
"No, never," you replied, sincere.   
"Cool," he began, rubbed his eyes with his palms and looked back at you with a red, bruised and tired look, "Because the pain increased. Then it was you. All you. And you were hurting me so, so, so bad. Not mentally, no, you were literally crushing my bones as I watched. Going all Sith on me," he sighed. A shudder went down your spine, and you felt as if your intestines got bloated and threatened to spill out your mouth.   
"And the worst part is, when I woke up, I wasn't able to comprehend that it wasn't what happened. For so long I just _knew_ you had gone big bad, and I knew that you loved it. It felt so wrong, so incredibly wrong, but so right at the same time. Your jacket hung next to me when I woke up, by the way, and I guess I took it," he said, and finished with a tiny half-ass smile. You let it sink in for a moment. For a second you wanted to mock what he said, but decided against it. You tasted the words. _Sith. Darkness._ It left a bad aftertaste in your mouth. Not wanting to talk about it further, you shrugged your shoulder and stretched lazily.   
"I'm glad you did. I've missed it quite much,"   
"How did you lose it?"   
"No, dude, you could have asked that sooooo long ago, when I first lost it on Polowitar,"   
"You got shot. I had other things on my mind,"   
"Too bad," you snickered, dangling your legs off the edge of your seat. It was nice feeling so light again. Like a ton of rocks had been lifted off your shoulders.   
"How did you escape?" you asked, looking over at him. His face broke into a grin.   
"You're not going to believe it. There was this Stormtrooper, I call him Finn-" 

You just wanted to take a trip to the bathroom, preferably without any disturbances, when you got very interrupted very quickly.   
"Did you find the droid?" you jumped, frightened beyond wits, when Kylo appeared in front of you. Again, with the pressure in your ears, and time seemed to stand still.   
"By the Jedi, you can't just do that," you breathed out shakily, "I preferred this so much more when it was just when we were sleeping," A smile caressed Kylo's lips, and your brows furrowed. You had never actually seen him smile. A snicker, sure. _It looked so pretty on him._ A faint skip in your heartbeat stirred you awake, so you looked away.   
"Thank you," he said, and you whipped your head right back towards him.   
"Pardon?"   
"Nothing. Where are you?" he asked, and looked around you, as if he could actually see your surroundings. There was a hint of curiosity in his voice. A little lighter than usual. Still, a hint of seriousness hid behind his features.   
"None of your business," you tried, not really convincing either of you.   
"Did you run of with the droid? And FN-2187?"   
"What are you talking about? No, I'm on my way back home," you said, too confused by his question to realize you gave away so much in your answer.   
"I'm glad," he said, and your confusion got eaten by a bigger confusion.   
"What? Why? How does that make sense? You wanted me captured," you exclaimed, probably making weird expressions all the while.   
"I wanted you alive. You're not dead. I'm glad," he said, a complete calmness in his voice. It made you think of his mother. _They were so much alike._ Kylo squinted, just barely, and had you blinked, you would have missed it.   
"If I was dead, it would have been one of your guys who killed me,"   
"Or one of the villagers," Kylo added.   
" _Or one of the villagers,"_ you repeated, your voice mocking.   
"But you're not. And you're going back to base. Don't worry. By my calculations, you should be within my grasp in approximately three days’ time," he said, and his confidence made the hairs at the back of your neck stand. Your heart beat harder - faster. There was some truth in his words.   
"You feel it too?" he interrupted your anxious breathing. Then he leaned a little forward, curious about how you would react to his words. You, being a very smart person, answered by playing dumb.   
"Feel what?"   
"You know I'm right,"   
"No, I don't know that. Actually, I was never really good at math," you said, and immediately regretted it as he took a few steps closer to you. Had he been there, you would have felt the heat radiate from his body.   
"You feel the connection," he stated. No question.   
"No," you tried, a lie for everyone to see.   
"This," he began, as he raised his hand to align with the side of your face, "is what we are to become," then, carefully, his fingers caressed your cheek as he brushed a few strands of hair behind your ear. _How could he do that? He wasn’t even there._ Again, he smiled down at you. No hostility, just kindness. It felt wrong, but so right. Then he was gone. 

"What happened to my room?" Poe yelled as he entered the tiny quarter. You just shrugged and walked away, hoping no one would notice. 


	14. Clouds of Ren

Your hands were buried in someone’s spine when you first began to feel dizzy. You, being a doctor, and even better surgeon, had been away far too long, and the moment you showed your face back at base you got thrown into a cell-regrowth of the Latissimus Dorsi gone wrong, and had to fix that manually by cutting and folding the skin of the back. When the dizziness began, you immediately began diagnosing yourself. With the scalpel in your hand, you just stopped, breathed heavily into your mask and tried you best to stop the swaying. Low blood sugar? No, you had eaten a proper breakfast, proved by it now threatening to come right back up. Concussion? Well, possible by just standing and being really unlucky, but that was very unlikely. Poison? _~~Why would someone poison you?~~_ No, you had barely let your tea out of your sight. Wait. Why was no one questioning the fact that you stopped? When you looked around, you noticed that everyone was holding their breath with you. Therefore, you dove back again, trying your best to ignore the dizziness. 

The second time it occurred was when you were grabbing lunch with Poe. Standing by the cantina, ready to receive whatever spoon of goop they had made, you suddenly dropped your tray. It must have seemed very dramatic as the conversation before had consisted of ‘word on BB-8?’, and ‘no, not yet’. Every drop of food and liquid spilled all over your clothes and ground, and you had to lean against the counter to not lose balance. Something was wrong. So incredibly wrong. Dizziness, sure, nothing unusual. Though, it was for you. Someone cursed behind the other side of the counter, their trunk moving up and down in an upset manner. You hadn't caught what they said. The food stuck to your clothing like wet clothes do, and you tried desperately to find something to dry yourself off with.   
"Hey, you ok?" Poe asked when he had gotten over the fact that you weren't being just a dramaqueen. You gladly accepted the paper in his hands, trying your best to wipe the remains off. Now you looked like you had taken a bath in sick.   
"Not really, no," you said, and felt your stomach twist and turn in other directions than normal. You were getting slightly more worried now. Aneurism? _Could be._ Tumor? _Perhaps._ Less likely, considering the fact that you had no other symptoms.   
"Sit?" Poe asked, and you hadn't even noticed that he had grabbed your arm and helped you to one of the tables. You sat down without question, placing your head in your hands and doing your best to focus on not falling off the bench. It had proved to be a difficult task, as it felt as if you were sitting on a tiefighter during a fight.   
"I'll grab you some food," said Poe, and left you there while you focused on not letting the wall of concentration crumble at your feet. _What else could it be?_ You sighed. _A virus? That easy? No, it felt very different.  
"_What's up?"   
"I'm dying," you said, tossing your hands in the air and looked at him. Something had hit him in the face with a fryingpan.   
"Come again?" he asked, eyes wide as a porg.   
"There's no other explanation," you said, "I've felt dizzy all day." Poe continued to look baffled.   
"You're... dying. Because... you... felt... dizzy." Poe said, tasting each word like it was hard to find them in his vocabulary.   
"Exactly!" you exclaimed. For a while all you did was look at him, and he stared right back, obviously not impressed by your conclusion. The foodtray in front of you made your stomach churn once again, and you pushed it away silently.   
"Dizzy?" he asked, once again. Extremely ~~little~~ convinced.   
"Yes," you repeated and leaned in a little closer. Both to keep your balance and to keep the conversation between Poe and yourself.   
"I almost dropped a scalpel into a mans back today," you whispered, and Poe leaned back, every feature screaming 'confused'.   
"Something is seriously wrong with me," you said. There was an enthusiasm in your voice, like you were actually telling him about the sharpest scalpel in existence. That was not what it felt like. In fact, it felt like you were telling him that this was it. _Bye. Chao. Adjau._ _  
"_ Dizzy," he repeated. No question this time. 

The third time was the charm. Now, all that was around you was the bathroom, and you were completely alone. Therefore, no one caught you when you fell off the toilet and hit your head on the sink. No one were there to witness how hilarious it looked when you managed to knock yourself out completely. Luckily for you, you had managed to wash your hands and pull your pants up before the world turned black. 

The dream was surprisingly realistic. You knew it was a dream, but at the same time, you just knew that you had to save the patient. His back had been cut open and the muscles where tightening and relaxing under your fingers. Another lower back surgery? Hadn't you done this already? Anyhow, you began tinkering with the muscle, doing your best to correct the crooked healing. The second your scalpel was touching the tissue, everything disappeared, and you stood there operating on complete darkness. Your feet were wet.   
"The girl will die," _~~Fricking hell,~~_  
"We have to stop meeting like this," you said, backed off the thought of where your patient was and put your hands to your hips. Kylo's eyes darted to the scalpel in your hand.   
"What are you doing?" he asked. You pulled the mask on your face beneath your chin.   
"Saving someone’s lumbar, so if you could leave-" you began, and made a scooting mimic with your hand. In secrecy, your heart was beating out of your chest. Kylo took a step forward. ~~You hated when he did that.~~  
"This isn't real," he pointed out, and you rolled your eyes.   
"Of course, it isn't. Still, though. I have imaginary patients to look after, and I'd prefer being busy with that if you don't mind,"   
"I do mind," he said, and you breathed out heavily from your nose. Then you tossed the scalpel over your shoulder, and it hit the water somewhere between you. _It was a miracle that it kept being intact after you let go of it._  
"What do you want?" you asked and crossed your arms over your chest.   
"A warning,"   
"What do you mean?"   
"The girl. The one on Polowitar. You knew she possessed the force," Kylo said, and for a second he looked really mad at you. Like you had been a kid that behaved very badly by putting chewing gum in someone’s lightsaber.   
"I don't know what you're talking about," you tried, feeling the lie swelling your tongue.   
"I think you do," another step forward. You cursed under your breath.   
"You know, you can't just come here and push my hair back one day, and come back with threats the other," a trembling gave you away. Kylo stopped in his tracks, very close to you now.  
"What do you mean?"   
"You know exactly what I mean," you said, enjoying the fact that you had the upper hand.   
"As a matter of fact, I don't," he said, and suddenly you felt a little uncertain. Was it just your imagination? _Had it never happened?_  
"No, you-" you began, but got interrupted by the cocky smile on Kylo’s lips.   
"You ass," you continued, and turned around to move away from him.   
"I'm serious. Snoke has been trying to get into your head all day," he said, and you turned around once again, just to look at him completely baffled. _That's what that was?_   
"Yes. And he got through," Kylo answered, though you never actually had asked the question. A ball of freight curled in your throat.  
"Pardon?" you asked,   
"You were on Polowitar for the girl. He knows," Kylo continued, and you felt your blood freeze in your veins.   
"He can't possibly know,"   
"He does. He also knows that you intend to train with Luke Skywalker," his name felt like venom on his tongue.   
"I don't!" you exclaimed.   
"He thinks you will. He's setting a trap for you,"   
"Why are you telling me this?" you asked, your throat closing completely, making it very difficult to breathe. _Oh no._  
"I'm not sure," he said, a tiny smile in the corner of his lips. This wasn't like him at all. Where was the darkness? How come he suddenly began acting impulsive?   
"That's bullshit," you said. He didn't reply this time.   
"What kind of trap?" you continued, and suddenly seriousness surrounded the two of you.   
"You will go to Polowitar to find the girl. Then you will be killed," he said. Your heart gave out. There was something tickling in your stomach. There was a whole team of drummers in your ears.   
"I don't want to die," was all you managed to muster under your breath, feeling the quiver in your bottom lip. _Pathetic,_ was all you managed to think whilst you couldn't help being frightened for your life. Kylo looked unapologetic. And even though there was a spark of something in his eyes, you never caught it.   
"Then bring a team. A strong team. Someone who can protect you," he said, and even though you really wanted to agree with him, there was a resilience beating in your chest.   
"What if I don't go?" you tried.   
"Then the girl will be killed, never knowing why. She will never learn of the force, and that will be on you,"   
"That's hardly fair. I didn't even try to find her after you guys showed up," you began, but Kylo interrupted you.   
"Then, we will find you. If it's possible, capture you alive until you succumb to the dark side. If not, you will be executed."   
"Why me?" you yelled, a little louder than intended, "I have always said that I will never use the Force. I will never fight you,"   
"And still you're part of the Resistance. Every fiber of your being is built to fight,"   
"Nopety nope. Never," you said, the words getting stuck in your throat. Kylo sighed.   
"You will show on Polowitar, with the strongest team you've got,"   
"Why do you care?" you yelled, not even trying to hide it anymore. Your face was flushed red with panic, your hair looking like an untamed Wookie.   
"I have never bothered you enough for you to care. You don't know me. In fact, all you know is that I run from fights, I don't want the force, and I certainly want nothing to do with you," you said, a little calmer this time around. At first, Kylo said nothing. He seemed a little struck with your words, as if you were lightening and he was the poor tree you just hit. Then he breathed in.   
"It's been so long since I've met someone with the force. You're just like me, and we need each other. You need a teacher,"   
"No. I need to be left alone, so I can hug Darth Cuddles, drink my tea and save lives," you said, now a little more controlled now. You had never even met Snoke, but you knew for a fact that you were already done with him. Also, you were done with Kylo. _No more hair-pushing, thank you very much._  
"Darth Cuddles?" Kylo asked, his eyes shining a bit brighter once again, and a soft smile tugging at his lips.   
"It's a teddy," you said, feeling a little defensive. You crossed your arms over your chest once again. The smile melted off Kylo's face, and your heart sank once again, leaving room for the fear of dying.   
"I don't want you to die. I can help you," he said. There was a genuine look in his eyes that you wanted so badly to give in to, but you couldn't. You refused to.   
"I'm sorry, but I really just want to be left alone," you said, feeling your own voice betray you as you did. _Why were always these moments so unforgiving and dramatic? ~~Would almost have thought you were a Skywalker.~~_ Kylo didn't say anything after that. He just held his glove that he had taken off at some point, not meeting your eyes anymore.   
"Bye," you said. Then you woke up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually intended for this chapter to be a bit funny, but I failed miserably. Hope you enjoyed some sappy-drama-lama!


	15. Brain Loading - Please Hold

You woke up, heaving for your breath. _What the frick just happened?_ How had you become that emotional? _WaitWaitWait, hold up._ Kylo had just said that you would be killed. Slaughtered. _Oh no._ The world began spinning again. Where were you? Oh, right. Bathroom. How long had you been out? Oh, something was building in your throat. There was this immense pressure, threatening to blow up. _No, everything was wrong. You couldn't die._ A faint knock pulled you out of your thoughts.   
"Yes?" you replied, thankful that the words forced you to swallow the pressure in your throat. After a short while, you realized that the knock wasn't on the door to the bathroom. Hurriedly, you scooted to your feet. It proved a difficult task; your legs had fallen asleep under the pressure of the rest of your body, and your arms tried their best to get ahold of the sink and drag you up to standing. Another knock.   
"Coming," you tried to yell, but your voice wouldn't quite reach as high as you wanted it to. As you managed to stumble to the door, you were greeted in your own quarters by a very unexpected face.   
"General Organa?" you asked and looked down to make sure your pants were up. _~~Thank the Jedi.~~_  
 _"_ I am sorry, do you want me to come back later?" she asked, looking quite baffled. Who could blame her? _~~You just, very clumsily, left the bathroom after all.~~_  
"No, it's fine," you said, "If you don't mind me asking, why are you here?" you continued, trying your best to get over to your bed so you could let your legs continue to sleep. ~~Those traitors.~~  
"Yes, well," she began, "It's about the child on Polowitar," _Oh, Jedi-fricking-no. No. No. This wasn't happening._  
"Yes?" you asked, trying your best not to let your voice break.   
"I think she might be in danger," _No, there's just no way._ You'd think you'd have more time to prepare. How could it be this fast? You hadn't even come up with an excuse.   
"Oh?" you asked. Hiding your trembling hands beneath your armpits, "Is she, really?" you asked, your voice so high pitched you could probably shatter a glass. It seemed that the General didn't notice it, because she just sighed.   
"We got word on several tie-fighters heading back to Polowitar. I believe Kylo Ren have felt the same presence that you did," she said, obviously uncomfortable. Then, she sat down on the bed next to you. Then, she took your hand. _Oh no. That was never a good sign. Here it comes._  
"I want to know what you think," she said, and you just realized that you had been holding your breath.   
"Pardon?" you asked. _Was your heart still beating?_  
"How strong is she? Is she going to turn to the dark side?" she asked, and you needed a few breaths and a moment to just stare at her.   
"I-I don't know," you said, still not quite certain what was going on.   
"They were at Polowitar the first time you were there. Why?" she asked, a sincerity in her voice. _How should you know?_  
"I think they were looking for fuel," you said, not really knowing how or where you got that idea from. _Well, there had been a civilian carrying a lot of golden-like bricks out of his house. Also, hadn't you seen some by the ship when Kylo had you on your knees?_ A shudder went through your body, leaving a tingle in your core. _Oh no._ _  
"_ What do they need fuel for?" asked Leia. You just shrugged once. After all, you didn't even know where the idea of fuel sparked.   
"Do you think that is what they are going back for?" she asked. This time, you sighed. _Truth? Lie? Safe?_  
"No. They know of the girl," you said, leaning your head in your hands. _Time to come clean_.   
"Snoke managed to enter my mind last... what time is it?" you asked and looked around in bewilderment. Well, the sun was up. "Yesterday, I guess. I don't know how much he knows, but I do know for a fact that he managed to get information about the girl," you sighed. General Organa breathed in deeply.   
"So Kylo did not pick up on it." _Yeah, you could say that._ _  
"_ Idon't want to go there. Please, don't send me," you breathed, feeling your trembling hands deceive you as you lifted your head once more to look at her.   
"I do not think you should go either," she said. A bird of hope took flight in your chest. "But I don't see any other option as to who should go. Therefore, I am going with you," she said. It took quite a long time before you understood what she said.   
"Are you crazy?" you asked, mouth agape. "Do you know the risks? Sir, not to be rude-"   
"You are quite rude," she said, a smile on her face. It looked like Kylo's. Your chest fluttered. "I do know the risks, and I do know that I want my son back. We're going," she said, and raised herself up. Just as she got to the door, she turned around in the most dramatic way possible. ' _Bye, time to feed the cats.' or 'It's been a lovely chat, let's do it again some time. I hope you have a great day'._  
"Oh, and bring C-3PO with us," she said. _No 'we're leaving in a few hours.' or 'the ship is loaded, let's go'._

You did in fact leave immediately. Every fiber of your being wanted to stay. You knew it was a trap. You wanted to tell them so badly. Still, there was no huge army to follow you either. Only General Organa, Flo and C-3PO. _Oh, and you were so dead. Deader than Palpatine._ Like a Jedi youngling for slaughter you were to be brought right into the trap that was so neatly put out for you. Therefore, you gave the most heartfelt goodbye you could to Poe, and he had looked at you just as confused as you felt. How you had managed to not break down completely, you did not know, but a part of you worked like a clock. Every drop of adrenalin had been poured straight into your brain, and the amount of fear that tickled your bones could not compete with the fact that you knew you had to keep going. If you stopped, your heart might have given out completely, and that would be the end of you. _Arrivideci_ _, no more you. No more drama. No more fricking death threats._  
"This is quite exciting," said C-3PO who decided to stand next to you, out of all the three people he had to choose from.   
"No, absolutely not," you said and held your breath as the sickness rose in your throat once again. You hadn't had that many days on end where you felt completely like a bag of wheats.   
"New adventures, just like in the old days. Except you are no Luke Skywalker, and well, our Pilot is no Han Solo-"   
"I heard that," came from the cockpit.   
"But we all got the Princess. Yes, this is quite the adventure," C-3PO said, and you just scoffed and pulled the red leatherjacket closer around you. Although you did appreciate someone distracting you from your own thoughts, you did not like the fact that it was C-3PO. His words did nothing but burying you deeper in the ball of guilt in your stomach. After all, this was going to be the demise for all of you. _You were going to be the one who got General Organa killed._ That would certainly give you a good reputation within the resistance. In fact, they would probably serve your head on a plate to the First Order. That would be a fate worse than getting killed in a trap. At least you would go out, remembered like a hero. And best of all; _You wouldn't have to fight anymore. No more force. No more pain, and - No more Kylo._ Wait, was that a feeling of uncertainty?   
"You seem distressed," said the droid beside you. How badly you wanted to agree with him.   
"I'm not. Just, space jump-sick," you mumbled. It was a miracle that he caught it.   
"Oh, yes, I know nothing about that," he said. 

You had made up your mind when you arrived at Polowitar. Even though a thick layer of burnt air hit your face, you tried your best to keep your head high. Your legs trembled, your hands shook, but your mind was still as water. Unfortunately, just as you were about to close the airlock before anyone could follow you off the ship, your mind got interrupted by a bright flash across the sky. In contrast to the yellow planet, it looked like a shooting star, but was unfortunately much thicker and extremely aggressive.   
"What is that?" you asked as you tried to shelter your eyes from the sun, at the same time as you tried to get a better glance at the light that reached across the sky. When you didn't get an answer, you turned around to look at the General. Your brows knitted together when you saw how defeated she looked. In fact, you had never seen her so beat.   
"General?" you asked, but could still not get her attention. As you looked back at the light, you saw that it had hit its target. A huge explosion of fire and light took place, very, very far away from you. It must have hit a planet. _Which planet?_ You were unsure. When you turned back around to look at the General, something exploded in your chest. There was an immense pain, something you could barely tolerate. _Was this channeling? Was that her?_  
"General?" you tried once more, but she was lost in her own thoughts. You watched as the light reflected in her eyes, and for a moment you contemplated what you should do next. Just as you saw C-3PO, you knew what you had to do. You ran. Away from them, and by yourself into the woods. If you were lucky, the ship would have made enough noise to attract some animal's attention. Then they would be occupied for a while. You on the other hand had other plans. Without making much sound, you began sprinting through the first auburn forest you could find. Your boots stepped on crunched leaves, and before you could orient yourself your intercom sparked, giving away your position to all the fluffy balls of fur that had found you last time you had set foot on the planet.   
"Doctor, where are you?" it was Flo. Of course, it was Flo.   
"This is a trap. You have to get off the planet," you said, a little louder than intended. So much for a planet that relied on hearing.   
"Trap?"   
"Yes. Snoke is coming here. He'll kill me. Please, take the General and go," you tried to say, but instead all that came out was incoherent words.   
"Wait, we'll find you," he tried, and you heard that General Organa was saying something in the background.   
"I'm serious, though. This is the first time ever where I tell you to get away from me, and you can't even oblige that tiny favor?" you said, and Flo just mumbled something on the other end of the line.   
"I'm so extremely scared, and I think that this is my only chance to do something that's not me at all," you said, and this time the intercom made a very high-pitched feedback, so you took it out of your ear. _Oh, ~~For Jedi's sake.~~_ Around you was all the proof that you weren't silent enough. Tiny furballs, in very bright colors did their best to locate you. _Had they had that huge ears before?_ Carefully, you took a step backwards, your boots crunching the traitorous leaves beneath your feet. _Run?_ Run. And you ran. With blood pumping in your ears you raced forward, hopefully leaving the creatures behind. It wasn't until you reached the familiar village that you stopped. Except, there was no village. Every hut was burned to the ground, and all that covered the sky was hazardous clouds of smoke. How had you not noticed? The signs had been everywhere. The yellow not being yellow, the thick burnt air, the creatures in the forest. _What the fri-_  
"Where are you?" sounded the intercom, and you jumped out of your skin. For a second, all you wanted to do was stand still, but you forced yourself to concentrate. Energies. _Why were there no energies?_ Not even a tiny spark of the force. Nothing. No one. No Snoke, no Kylo. And, unfortunately, no girl. Then a fresh smell of rotten flesh hit your nose like a punch to the gut. Without thinking, you began walking towards the smell. You didn't care for sounds anymore. Just answers.   
"Please, we have to find you," yelled the little radio on your hip.   
"I'm at the village," you said, not really registering the heat that burnt your skin as you crossed through the buildings. Everything felt numb, like someone had given you a sedative, but you just kept moving. Had you been in your right mind, you would have felt the crippling heat against your arms and legs, but instead you focused on the pile in front of you. When you reached it, you puked. Limb upon limb was stacked, burnt to the ground, and in the middle was a child’s hand. You didn't care for who it once had belonged to, but you cared for who it represented. _Frick his fricking face and everything else in the universe._ He had summoned you before. Time to return the favor. With every living cell in your body, you tried to focus on him. All you thought about was him. There was an ignite in your stomach, a fire in your head, but no matter how badly you wanted to see him, nothing happened. Just silence. Had you been at your right mind, you would have seen the waves of heat that formed around you, pulsating like a heartbeat.   
"Get her," said someone. It didn't sound familiar. How come it didn't sound familiar? You didn't care. All you wanted was to be left alone. How had they penetrated your focus? This was you, all you, and you didn't need anyone else. All you wanted was to confront him.   
"Hey," said the voice again. Now, more familiar. How come the same voice sounded so different?   
"It's ok. You did all you could,» Why did they interrupt you? You were just fine.   
"It was a trap. You were right. But it wasn't to kill us," Just like that, the fire was extinguished, and you managed to focus on the person in front of you. With all your energy drained, you sat down, not able to stand anymore.  
"What?" you asked.  
"BB-8 and two others were seen on Takodana. We were misguided. These people have been dead a long time," Leia said, and sat down next to you. _What?_ _  
_"What?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is quite a long chapter with no Kylo in it. I truly hope and believe the build-up will be worth it, though! I really appreciate all you guys' thoughts, love and care for this story, and I'm sorry that it's a little slow. I promise that next chapter will have a whooooole lot of Kylo. WinkWink.


	16. Humpty Dumpty was pushed

The Republic was gone. Blown up like a balloon with too much air. Burnt like a pie forgotten in the oven. No one was left. Their fleet, their people, disintegrated. And you? You had been led away, right into a trap that was obvious in hindsight. _You fool._  
"How far?" you asked, as you just sat there, your leg bopping up and down. Your head was hidden in your hands, too ashamed to look at anyone.   
"Dameron should be there by now. It will be fine," Leia said, her face straight and not looking at you at all.   
"What if it isn't?" you said, not really asking a question.   
"We need to talk," said Leia, and you looked up at her. She didn't look at you.   
"We are talking,"   
"No, we need to talk about what happened back there,"   
"Like I've already said. I thought it was a trap that would kill us. I wanted to go alone so you wou-"   
"No, not that," General Organa said, and you felt a hint of worry overshadow the shame.   
"What you were doing when we found you," she continued.   
"Ok?" you asked, not completely certain of what she was referring.   
"A great fortune in the hands of a fool is a great misfortune," she said, and suddenly you felt as if you were to drown at her hands. _Why the riddles? ~~Skywalkers.~~_  
"I don't understand," you said, your voice breaking a little as you spoke. The tinge of worry became an avalanche, and suddenly all you had was yourself in a very uncomfortable situation.   
"You went straight to the dark," she continued, and suddenly you felt as if someone had punched you in the gut with a lightsaber. Like someone had you on the wrong end of a stick put over the fire.   
"All the more reason to get Luke. Fear is part of the dark side, doctor," she said, and you couldn't help but feel heat rush to your head as the shame became a monster that hung over your shoulder. You should be relieved - The first step towards recovery was being aware of the problem. _Although, the dark side? She must certainly be mistaken._ You had just been a little angry. Everyone can be a little angry sometimes. _Right?_

When you arrived at Tokada the battle was all but over. Several X-wings where in the air, Poe definitely one of them, chasing tie fighters. Trying to make out one thing from the other seemed impossible, and yet you couldn't stop trying. Where there was an explosion your eyes would follow, trying your best to make out your favorite pilot amidst the chaos. Instead, you found a familiar jacket on the battleground. Well, technically not on the battleground, but on a person amidst a fight with a stormtrooper. And _oh, Sith,_ jacket-boy was losing. Very. He had no weapon. Nothing at all to protect him from the massive amount of stormtroopers you saw from your position in the sky. Or the others. _Wait, wasn't that-_  
"Shouldn't we land?" you asked, but General Organa shook her head slightly.   
"We cannot, yet," she said. Your leg began to bop up and down again. There was so many feelings interlaced within one another, and you almost felt like you were going to implode into a black hole. 

The black hole was still a threat once your feet hit the ground. Your heart was beating like a steam hammer, and you were certain that everyone within a few feet could hear how hard it was pumping. For the first time in forever your adrenaline didn't completely paralyze you. Instead, it made your ears clogged, your feet numb and your legs trembled beyond all control. So, when General Organa patted you on the shoulder your knees almost completely buckled. _Well, that wasn't so bad. You still had all your limbs intact, your heart was beating, you weren't drooling. Could be worse, right?_ Just as you thought it, fate would have it that a very familiar being stood at the other end of the battlefield. It was weird. With a mask on he looked very different. Even a little terrifying. You did your best to focus on something other than the fact that he made you tremble like a sprout brushed by the wind. Had he always dressed in robes that bore the resemblance to a dress? And, more importantly, why in the universe was he carrying a ~~hopefully~~ unconscious woman in his arms. _How was your heart racing so fast and still not at all? Were you dying?_  
"Rey," you heard someone yell, and suddenly you were dragged right out of your thoughts and back on Tokada. "Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey," _Wow, that was dramatic._ Who did the yell belong to? Oh, right. Jacket guy. He looked very different up close. Sure, still not - _Oh, your Jedi._  
"Chewie?" you exclaimed, all fear dripping of you like rain on a raincoat. Before you knew it, your numb legs had gotten you as far as into the middle of the battlefield, where guns were powering down as the remaining stormtroopers fled.   
"Chewie!" you yelled once again, a little more high-pitched this time. That got the big-hairy-fluffs attention and he turned to you with a crossbow in his fluffy hands. Still, even though he pointed a very deadly weapon in your direction you just didn't stop until you were a few feet away from him. A silent sound roared from his throat, a hint of uncertainty hiding in his eyes.   
"Yes, I'm here," you exclaimed, "Who would have thought, right?" Chewie roared once more, a little louder this time.   
"Well, no, I wasn't like I was at gunpoint," you began, a little baffled that he even dared to imply anything like that.   
"Basically I sort of just sent a few of us into what I thought was immediate danger, but it was in fact a distraction so we wouldn't reach you in time, and well, it wasn't really all my fault, but a little my fault, and I didn't know what to do, and I think the First Order murdered an entire planet, which isn't nice, b-" you were completely overwhelmed when Chewie pulled you into a very big hug which almost made you choke on fur. He roared, and you melted into the embrace, feeling very, very like you should let the stress go.   
"I missed you too, bud," you said, feeling a brush of anxiety still tickling your bones. Wait. _Wait, wait, wait, wait. Was he gone?_ Before you managed to think about the fact that you were hidden in a very big floof-ball, you tried to open your eyes and were immediately ambushed by hair.   
"Oh, by the Sith," you said as you pulled away from the hug and did your best to get Wookie hair out from under your eyelids. When you managed to actually open your eyes, you saw that the massive black ship had begun to take flight. _He was on that ship._ So close, and still so incredibly far away.   
"They got Rey," someone said, so you turned to where the voice came from. _Oh. Jacket._  
"You're wearing my friends' jacket," you blurted out, not completely sure how you were to address the guy in front you.   
"Who are you?" he asked.   
"Who is Rey?" you countered, and suddenly a very big roar was standing in between you.   
"Rey helped the droid and Finn to get off Jakku," _Oh. Oh, that was a familiar voice._ Hesitantly you pushed Chewie to the side ~~of which he moved completely voluntarily, or else you wouldn't have had a chance~~ , only to reveal a face that had gotten much older than the last time you saw him. To be fair, he looked just as surprised to see you.  
"How did you grow up so fast?" he asked, slightly surprised and still sounded just as happy as you felt.   
"How did you grow old so fast?"   
"Shut up," he said and pulled you into a hug.   
"How do you guys know each other?" asked the guy in the jacket. You let go of the hostile behavior and reached out a hand. He took it, shaking it slightly.   
"She's with the resistance," Han Solo said, and suddenly Jacket looked quite a lot paler. Before you could question it, Han looked at something ~~or someone~~ behind you. You stumbled as he shoved you slightly in the shoulder to get past you.   
"If you'll excuse me," he said, and Chewie roared beside you.   
"Yeah, he's excused," you said, and watched as the floof-ball followed suit after his buddy. That left just you and Jacket.   
"So, you're with the resistance?" he asked, looking a little uncomfortable. Well, to be quite frank, so were you.   
"I am. Doctor. Err, surgeon. And who are you?" you asked, feeling a little confident now that your conversation partner was feeling a little under the weather.   
"I'm Finn," he said, and suddenly your head was blinking with all sorts of lights.   
"Oh, it's you! You're Finn! Wow, oh, no," you said and felt blood drain from your head, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought- oh, I should have figured. With the jacket and such, I thought you stole it, and oh, wow, have I made a fool of myself," you said, slightly panicked and slightly embarrassed.   
"No, it's cool. But please, I need your help to get my friend Rey back," he said, taking ahold of the side of your arms.   
"Oh, yeah, I really want to, but I'm not the person to ask,"   
"What do you mean? You're with the resistance, aren't you?"   
"Well, yeah, I am, but I'm not the head of anything. Ask General Organa, she's over there," you began and pointed behind you, not completely obvious that she was in a heavy conversation with Han Solo, "Oh, she's busy. Still, come back to base with us so we can figure things out," you finished. Just as you did, a familiar ~~Oh, so many reunions today~~ bipped its way towards you, and you couldn't help but let out a happy scream as BB-8 rolled very fast and very enthusiastically towards you. Then, he stopped. It was weird, because you could swear that he was leaning forward in a way that wouldn't let him keep his balance. Another thing was that the dirt flew in different directions around him, but stood completely still in the air. _Wait a minute,_  
"You asshat!" you said and raised yourself up. With a spring in your step you turned around and looked at the guy who had completely terrified you just a bit earlier.   
"I missed you," he said, and suddenly all you felt was a wave of shivers covering your entire body.   
"What?" you asked, suddenly a little uncertain. _You were going to murder him with words. No, poetry._  
"I felt your presence on Tokada. Tell me, are you still there?" he asked, a slight smile on his lips. _How was he able to be such an ass in such a dominant manner?_ Your legs threatened to buckle once again.   
"You set me up," you began and counted on each finger, "you _murdered_ an entire planet, you took away this guy’s friend, and most importantly, you put the resistance in danger, _again,_ " you said and with each word your voice escalated in volume.   
"First off," he began, putting on that quirky smile of his, "Of course I set you up. You're on the other team, remember that? I am supposed to put you on the wrong lead, and of course I did everything in my power so you wouldn't be available for the rescue if the droid was spotted,"   
"But you didn't get the droid. He's here with me," you interrupted.   
"Second of all, _I_ murdered one. The rest of the knights of Ren took care of the rest,"   
"You killed the girl," you said, suddenly a little nervous once more. How was he able to look so terrifying even though he wasn't there? He hadn't scared you this much before. Why was he now?   
"I did. I spoke to her about the connection with the force. I said she needed a teacher,"   
"Vaguely familiar," you interrupted again. He didn't look happy.   
"She refused," he finished, and suddenly your bones turned to ice cubes.   
"You slaughtered a little girl," you hissed through gritted teeth, finally finding the courage to bite a little harder.   
"I eliminated a threat," he said, "which leads me to my third point. I don't need the droid anymore. The girl, she has seen the map that leads to Skywalker. In a matter of hours, I will have that information, and before you know it, it's the end of the Jedi. Then, all they have left is, well, you," he said, a slight smile on his lips. You knew you should feel scared. Maybe a little terrified. Instead, all you felt was insulted.   
"Excuse you? I am a terrific left-over, okay?" you said, and felt a slight impulse in wanting to stomp your foot.   
"Whatever you say," he said, obviously not convinced. _How dare he smile at you like that?_  
"And also, _no._ I will get to Luke, and I will be his Padawan," you began, feeling a little proud as you saw the flinch he tried to hide from you, "and I will be stronger than you, just so I can kick your smug ass," you finished, actually feeling a little in between proud and childish. That quickly went away when he walked up to you, suddenly inviting you to a staring contest you had way too dry eyes to even compete in.   
"You," he began, and made you feel like you were sinning for swallowing your own saliva, "will never become stronger than me. The simple truth is that if you oppose me, or even become a smudge of a threat, I won't have any other choice but to let you go," _Oh, that didn't sound too bad,_ "Or, as you would rather put it, hunt down and slaughter a little girl," he finished, and every breath you had ever taken left your body at once, leaving you trembling like a leaf. _And there was a horrible, horrible ignite in your stomach._ Realization hit you like lightsaber to the face. _How on the complete Jedi Order did that threat turn you on?_  
"I never wanted to put it that way," you said, feeling the urge to cover your stomach like a hurt animal. _This was getting ridiculous._  
"Then be my student. I will teach you the ways of the darkside. Together the galaxy will bow to our feet," he said, lifting his hand. You hoped to the Sith that he wasn't going to brush hair behind your ear once again.   
"I am pretty sure a Galaxy can't bow," you said, looking up at his face, locking eyes, and then you weren't able to look away. _You wanted to look away. This guy had just threatened your life._  
"Come with me," he said, and did something way worse than brushing your hair behind your ear. He put his hand against the side of your face. And _oh. You felt that._ How badly you wanted to lean into his hand.   
"What's the difference between a Wookie and Porg?" you asked, and he looked a little confused as a slight smile broke onto his face.   
"What's the difference?" he asked, his thumb stroking your cheekbone. Shivers. There were shivers all over your body. You were so lucky that he couldn't see it.   
"Hi, I make bad jokes when I'm nervous," you said, and watched mesmerized as his smile got bigger. He was so beautiful when he smiled.   
"You're nervous?" he asked, teasing you ever so slightly by raising his other hand and stroking a few strands of hair behind your ear like he had done earlier. You closed your eyes.  
"No," you lied, and before you knew what was happening, he leaned down, barely brushing his nose against yours. _This was all wrong. Everything was wrong. ~~And so right.~~ No. _  
"No," you repeated and looked up at his eyes once again. You loved the way his freckles looked like a map of the sky. Then you grabbed ahold of his hands and pushed them away.   
"I will train with Luke Skywalker. And I will eliminate you," you said and backed away from him. He frowned and looked down at you.   
"You will change your mind," he said. Then he was gone. Next thing you knew was a bump of pain in your leg as BB-8 crashed into it. 


	17. Fool me once - Then six or seven more times, just to be sure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, uh, some slightly mature content I guess? Maybe. Perhaps.

You had planned to go home. You really did. It was just that something wouldn't have it that way. You had followed BB-8 all the way to the entrance to the ship when you got hit in the face by a feeling. Oh, but it was more than just a feeling. It was a need. A craving. You weren't done on Tokada. _Not at all_. Therefore, you turned on your heel and began walking towards the huge building that towered in the most glooming way. Some of it was damaged by the fight, having holes blasted into the concrete and bricks. Rubbles and stone covered the ground, but somehow you managed to maneuver in between them. Your fingertips grazed the wall beside the doorframe, and you felt the pulse of a building that trembled like a leaf. _It was inside_. Which meant that _you_ were going inside. Usually you would have refused on the spot, and not even ten dying men could drag you in. This time, all it took was a breeze, a whisper and a promise and you conquered all other emotions as you breathed in the dust inside the building. You should have been scared. _You should be horrified._ Yet you weren't. You just knew you had to continue. There was something hiding in the dark. Probably a monster. _Kylo Ren?_ Jokes aside, it gave of a vibe that was difficult to read. Perhaps it was dark, perhaps it was light, like who knows? It was a guessing game, and not just for you, but for _it_ too it seemed. Around you reigned chaos. Chairs and tables had been tipped, glass was shattered, and you stepped on it without noticing how a few pieces stuck to your shoes and made a crushing sound with each step you took. In fact, you would be very easy to follow. When you reached a tiny hole in the wall, you squinted to get a better look in the dark. There wasn't much to see; sure, a few rubbles here and there, lots of dust and a narrow path that was lit up by ominous lights. Nothing much. _Hah._ Who were you kidding? You knew that path lit up like a death star because that was exactly where you were supposed to be going. Never mind the insects, the dim and flicking lights or the breeze that smelled like death. _  
If this is where you die, well, at least you seemed courageous.  
_ You stepped inside.   
_May your bones be buried in the backyard._

You had walked through cobwebs, dirt and slime before you found what you were looking for. Not that you knew what that was, but you knew the tiny box was it. Sure, too small to fit an animal. _~~It would have been so cool with a companion.~~_ It might also have been too small to fit your purpose in life. You know what it wasn't too small for? _~~Your dignity.~~_ Carefully you let your fingers graze the top of it. It was rough, big chunks of wood missing from the top. Time had taken its toll. You didn't know what you expected when you opened it. A stuffed animal? A really bad joke? _~~Baby Yoda?~~_ What you didn't expect was the deadliest weapon you had ever set your eyes on. _Should you pick it up?_ You hesitated for a moment, holding your breath as you contemplated what to do with it. Well. The lightsaber had called to you. Given you a promise of _something._ You weren't sure what that something was just yet, but it seemed to be something as cliché as fate. _Destiny._ Oh, how you wanted to puke at the word. You didn't, luckily. Instead you gathered the teaspoon of courage that you had and grabbed ahold of the hilt. _And you were in for a ride._

It felt as if something sucked your soul out of your chest and left an empty canvas, ready to be painted. You watched as the scenery unfolded before you, and you were surprised that you recognized the place. It wasn't that different from where you had just stood. Rubbles and stone covered your feet, but the air was full of smoke. You knew what happened next.   
"No," you muttered under your breath and began running towards the battleship that was starting to catch on fire. Not that it was much left of it. The crash had made sure of that. _This was all wrong._ She had gotten home. She had made it home. It wasn't supposed to be dangerous for her once she got back. You weren't even halfway there when the explosion rang. Pieces of metal flew past your head, and the scorching heat burned your skin. You didn't even remember to cover your head with your arms. All you could do was reach her. She must have survived. Right? You were too young to lose a parent.

_Talking about being a canvas._ The last painting got ripped from your frontal lobe and replaced it with a completely different scenario. _What a bridge. From dead parent to a game of Dejarik._  
"You can't use your Grimtaash to stop my Kintan Strider from regenerating at the end of his last turn. That's a passive effect." the boy in front of you said. You couldn't remember this. The boy, sure, he looked familiar. Dark hair, freckles like a map of the sky, and- _Nooooooo._  
"Can too. It clearly says that the Grimtaash completely stuns the piece for two turns," you replied without really being able to say anything. Words had been ripped out of you like the pit of a fruit. _How old were you?_ You were old enough to remember this. You should have been anyway. Also, the fact that you played Dejarik with the prince of darkness. Doom eternal. Kylo Ren. _Ben Solo._  
"But that does not affect the passive effects," he said, and you just glared at him for a moment. You knew you contemplated whether he should win this one. _Don't let him have it, please. Don't let him have it,_ you begged. You couldn't remember what you said. _Heck, you couldn't even remember this conversation._  
"Fine. He can keep his passive effect," you said, "if," _Oh. This was interesting. You were making compromises now?_ "If you kiss me," _Come again, tiny human being?_ That came from your mouth? Yours? _  
"_ Ew, no. Kissing girls? Kissing you? Ewwwww," he said. _Oh. That's why._ You knew he'd never kiss you. He was terrified of cooties. This way, you would win the argument with him admitting that you won. _You were such a clever bean._  
"Then admit that I'm right," you said, proud that you had used the ultimate strategy to win. And you weren't even talking about Dejarik anymore.   
"Never," he said, and before you knew it, he leaned over the chessboard and planted a solid, dry kiss on your lips. You were baffled. Not just then, but now too. It wasn't good. In fact, it was quite horrible. It felt soft and sloppy and dry as the dessert. Nothing really nice about it. Still he lingered a second longer than necessary.   
"He's keeping his regeneration," 

_Oh, that was a stomach twirl._ And really cliché. How was it possible that you didn't remember that? Then your knees hit the sand. What was next? _Oh, frick._ How could these flashes of ~~illogical made-up~~ memories contain this one? Nothing special about it. Except for the fact that you were on your knees in front of Kylo Ren. Why was he also a part of this one?   
"Then who are _you?"_ he asked. Oh, right. This is where your rambling began.   
"No one. I'm just a very normal person, doing person stuff, drink coffee, not knowing anything, absolutely not terrified and I really, really like yellow," you said. _How dumb._ You could have just told him that you knew everything important in the whole galaxy. _Waitwaitwait._ He didn't remember you either. So, last memory was just made up then?   
"You'll talk," he said. And _boy, was he right._ You had talked so much in your dream scenarios. In fact, you should have just told him then and there that there was a girl on the planet connected to the force. And you didn't mean you.   
"Bring her aboard," he continued, and you wanted to laugh. Sure, the tiny speck of fear remained in your brain, but not nearly as much as it should have. _Get on with it._ Torture, sure. What's the worst he could do?   
"X-wings," someone yelled, and there it was. _Savior._ Sure. You should have just handed yourself on a silver platter. ' _Take me, Kylo. Take me. Bring me into the dark abyss that is your mind,'._ Instead you got back on your feet and stumbled through sand and dirt with pain that jolted through your leg like electricity. You had been shot, and goddamn, it still hurt. Then the same old story. You limped, you whimpered, you saw. Then you stood face to mask with Kylo. He grabbed your arm. _Oh, you should have been prepared._ Too bad you weren't. 

"I don't-" you began. _Oh, this was different. Completely different._ You were being smothered between a rock and a hard place. Your front was pressed against a wall, and your back pressed against-   
"Shut up," Kylo Ren said. His voice seemed almost soft. It was a command, but there was so strain. Your breath left your lungs hesitantly while he was using one of his hands to caress your side. His fingers trailed up your ribs, the side of your breast until it found home against your neck. He didn't cut of your air supply, but pressed gently; a reminder that he was there.   
"How could you defy me?" he asked. Every particle of your being trembled like a sprout during a hurricane.   
"I didn't," you said. _What the frick was this?_ His other hand placed itself on your stomach, and you shivered at his touch. His broad chest rose against your back as he breathed in your scent. There was an ignite.   
"You could have died," he continued, his hand traveling from your stomach to the line of your pants. _Oh, this was punishment._ What had you done? And why did you enjoy every second of it?   
"I didn't," you replied, which earned you a tighter grip around your neck. His breath trailed down your shoulder. His fingers passed the opening of your pants and down to your pantyline. And how he teased.   
"What would I do if you were killed?" he asked. For a while he just lingered there, pressing you against the cold wall with his entire body, trapping you completely. _He was waiting for you to reply._  
"Get over it?" you tried, but whimpered helplessly as his hand tightened against your throat once again. _Wrong answer._  
"I won't have a queen if you die," he said, and before you knew it his hand went further. 

There was a flash. Just for a moment, but you saw it. You saw the electric, blue light. Blood poured over the ground. You saw the person. And you saw the lightsaber that sizzled through their chest. 

You came back to reality with a heave of your breath. You were choking. With a violent cough you sat up, tears spilling onto the shirt that held you.   
"Hey, it's ok," he said, holding you close and rocking you back and forth. Still, you couldn't help it. When you managed to catch your breath once again, you wasted it by sobbing violently, almost breaking in half.   
"You're ok," he continued and caressed your hair and pulled you closer.   
"Did I know Kylo Ren when I was younger?" you managed to ask through the waves of air that flooded your lungs. Han Solo looked you up and down for a moment, looking a little confused.   
"Let's get you on the ship. We can talk about it at your base," he said, but you shoved him away. Drool and tears mixed as you heaved.   
"Did I know him?" you repeated, your voice harsh and cold. Han looked sad. Almost apologetic.   
"Yeah, kid. You knew him," 


	18. May you be excused? Your brain is quite full

The weapon felt incredibly uncomfortable against your hip. It wasn't yours. You - the thief. Well, no. It had called to you. It had made itself very stealable if nothing else. You were a thief, but this _thing_ wanted to be stolen. If nothing else, it was not _your_ fault. And perhaps the owner wouldn't miss it anyway? While you were at it; who did it belong to? A casual lightsaber hanging about wasn't something you had ever heard of before. It certainly didn't belong to Kylo Ren. He would have had you hung upside down by your toes if you were in possession of something of his. What if there was another force-sensitive on Tokada? _No, you would have known. Wouldn't you?_ _Heck, you should have just put a finger in the air and asked, 'who's the Jedi?'._  
So far, the only people who knew about it was Han and yourself. He had promised to keep it a secret until you had come to the terms of you being a weapon-stealing-lying-piece-of-thief. Truth was that you just weren't ready to face that fact yet.

You tried to walk as normal as possible. It proved a hard task. The heavy metal made you cross your legs in a very unnatural position as you tried to hurry towards the meeting area. A few people shot you a glance, buzzed for a second, then moved on with their life as any healthy being would. The one who wouldn't let it go was the only human being you allowed to tease you about it. Not that he would ever figure out why you walked the way you walked. Your red leatherjacket made sure of that.   
"So, who stepped on your groin with iron-shoes?" Poe asked as he excited his aircraft. _Oh, so many thoughts._ You weren't used to that _._ Before he reached the last step, you ran right at him and threw your arms around his neck.   
"I was so wrong. So, so wrong. Don't ever let me say I'm right again," you said/breathed into his collar, making him hug around you a little tighter.   
"Consider it done," he laughed. It relaxed your muscles a little.   
"It was a trap," you continued.   
"I heard," he replied.   
"Wait, what, how? We have been at base for like - a second,"   
"Word travel fast," he said and let go of you. Just as he looked up, he saw something that almost made him push you away. Well, he did in fact push you away, _~~rude~~_ but very gently. Like a cat that slept on his lap that he didn't want to disturb, even though he really had to go to the bathroom.   
"BB-8, my buddy," he exclaimed, and you followed his gaze to the droid that came spinning towards you in a very fast tempo. You barely got out of the way as Poe leaned down to greet his favorite droid. There was a moment of pure joy. If you had moved out of the way and added a flowerfield, you were sure it would happen in slow-motion.   
"It's so good to see you," he continued, giving BB-8 a hug the best he could. You would have been a little moved had it not been for the mountain of worries that occupied your mind. The happy biips that erupted from BB-8 made you smile slightly, though.   
"Finn saved you?" Poe repeated, looking a little confused, "Where is he?"   
"Poe?" you heard from a distance. It felt as if it was your que to leave. Just as you were about to cross your legs once more and walk away, Poe turned to you and gave you a look.   
"Promise me that you'll talk to me the second things are a little more settled," he said. _Sure, yeah, right. No. Won't happen._ You didn't know what else to do but comply, so you gave him a nod. A nod wasn't good enough.   
"Promise me," he repeated just as ~~Jacket~~ Finn made his way to you.   
"I'll talk to you," you said. Then you awkwardly limped away. 

There was a lot going on. Like, shit-ton of things. _Well, that was just great._ What a time to find out that your childhood had been a lie. At least some of it. A spoonful. And that spoon was filled with your own brain, so it was quite hard to swallow. People were running in circles, most of them with the intention of running in circles. They grabbed ammo, fuel and good moral on the way and returned just where they started, back by their ship. It felt off. No one knew exactly what was going on. Sure, there was a rumor of running away, and another rumor saying you were going to invade the starkiller-base. _Please, for the love of everything evil, don't mess with things that could lead to more people dying._ The girl - _Rey? -_ could she resist Ren's mindtrick-business? Or, more importantly, did she even know that the Resistance was on D'qar? Could she know? _Oh. BB-8. How much had he told her?_ Not important. Not your business. _~~Unless you were going to die.~~ Bye, everybody. We're all going to be squished like a very sensitive berry. _  
"Kid?" _Oh, a familiar voice amidst the chaos._ You looked up from your feet and stopped walking _~~awkwardly~~_.   
"Hey," you replied and looked up. _Ah, the sun - it's burning your eyes. How dared it be sunny when your mind was as cloudy as a steamer._  
"Are you ok?" Han asked and touched your shoulder gently. It felt so welcome. Last time you'd met he had to crouch just to meet your line of sight. _What a whack that you remembered Han, but not his son. Like. Not at all._ Now you both stood upright. It felt right. Grown up, even. _Were you ok?_  
"I don't think I am," you replied, swallowing the tears that threatened in the corner of your eye. You waved them away and looked down at your hands that had started twinning. "It's ok, though. I know there's a lot going on. I'll be fine," you continued, and the corner of your mouth twitched as you forced a tiny smile.   
"It's just-" he began and looked around for a short while. "It's good to see you. I know things seem a little messed up, but we'll talk. When this is over - we'll have a real long chat," he finished and patted your shoulder once again. Now it felt stranger. Not too unfamiliar, but definitely more realistic to the terms of you guys not actually knowing each other that well.   
"Yeah, sure," you smiled, genuinely. Truth was that you felt grateful that he cared enough to even bother. _It would be fine. You'd survive this too._

So, to be straight with yourself was a difficult task. You wanted to step into the meeting room, but every bone in your body forced you to stay in place. Everyone was already there. You had been called in on a whim. Everybody expected you to have some good information about - well - anything. Yet you refused to be there on time. First off because you didn't know what you would face in there. It might be certain death with the Resistance asking you to fight Kylo Ren when your powers could compare to a limp carrot. They might also tell you something worse - ' _Hey you, we're sending in everyone you ever cared about. Say goodbye to Poe, the General, C-3PO, BB-8 with more. Hope you don't mind!'._ No. It had to be better than that. With a deep breath in you placed your hand on the door. Maybe it would be ok. Maybe they all would wear partyhats and say something along the lines of: _'The First Order surrendered! Hurray. They realized they were no better than bad breath in a bucket and just let us have everything good in the universe,'._ The door creaked as you opened it, drawing all eyes on you. You didn't notice though. All you saw was the deathstar lit up as a hologram on the maptable, and the far worse behind it. It was a whole planet. It made the deathstar look like an insignificant bug _~~much like yourself~~_ ~~.~~ It looked like it would roll over you and call you pancake. For a moment, you were right there on it. Within the barrel that heated up, ready to destroy entire systems.   
"How is it possible to power a weapon of this size?" asked Admiral Ackbar and you got pulled right back into that meetingroom. Your legs trembled and your breath was shaky. _Heck, you almost lost control of your bladder._  
"Including a mineral called quarium, much like gold in shape and form, from the planet Polowitar, it uses the power of the sun. As the weapon is charged, the sun is drained until it disappears," said Finn, and you looked at him. He seemed just as distressed as you felt, with a wrinkle in his brows and a break in his voice. You almost didn't notice the officer that ran up to General Organa and handed her a datacard. A sigh. _It was never good when there was a sigh._  
"The First Order: they're charging the weapon again, now," a heartbeat, "our system is the next target." Chaos erupted. Voices. Everywhere. You swore you heard C-3PO say something, but you couldn’t tune in to what it was. Your mind went on a loop, threatening to break down into a puddle. That was until Han spoke.   
"Okay. How do we blow it up?" he asked. The voices stopped. All eyes turned. "There's always a way to do that," he defended, shrugging his shoulders as if it was obvious. Then - silence. A pin fell and made you deaf.   
"Han's right." said Leia. Han's breath got caught in his throat. He certainly wasn't expecting that. All eyes moved to Admiral Statura.   
"In order for that amount of power to be contained, that base would need some kind of thermal oscillator-"   
"There is one," Finn interrupted. He moved over to the maptable and zoomed in on a giant, black hexagonal structure. The solution seemed so obvious. An ounce of courage dropped in your chest.   
"Precinct 47. Here," said Finn.   
"If we can destroy that oscillator, it might de-stabilize the core and cripple the weapon-" said Admiral Statura once again. This is where you trailed off. Even though your body threatened to give out completely from exhaustion and fright, something else sparked in you. It might have been the stolen weapon at your hip. It might also have been that the plan seemed to make sense to you. Yet, the face of Kylo Ren when you boarded his ship - you would have killed for it. Especially now that he threatened to hunt you down and murder you anyway. Figured you might as well beat him too it.   
"I can disable the shields. But I have to be there, on the planet-" said Finn when you managed to get back into the conversation.   
"We'll get you there," said Han.   
"Yeah, I'll help too," you said, drawing most eyes on you once again. _People should be getting used to your courage someday, right?_ Leia's eyes darted from you over to Han.   
"How?" she asked. A crooked smile found itself in the corner of Hans lips.   
"If I told you, you wouldn’t like it," he said. For a second, the planet stood still. No one talked. Everyone looked at each other. Every breath was held. Your gaze found Poe's.   
"So, we disable the shields, take out the oscillator and we blow up the big gun," he summarized, smiling at you. For a moment you thought he looked excited, and in the other proud. _Of course, he's proud of you, little bean._ "All right. Let's go!" he finished, and the crowd scattered. You just stood there, watching him as he watched you. _You’ll kick this ginormous ass._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya, guys! So, yes. Let's not mention the C-word, but it's strange times we live in. Would have thought that I found all the time in the world for writing, but ach, no. I work within healthcare and days are busy. I really hope you guys are taking care of yourselves. Please, please be safe, wash your hands and stay inside. I'll update when I can so you can entertain yourselves, and next chapter - Oooo, it's a big one. See you, lovelies! Stay healthy! 


	19. Don't tell a Fish how to Rot

_Run. He's going to catch up with you. Run faster. Screw the branches, the snow and the pain. You just have to run._

Not going to lie, the crash could have been executed better. A lot better. Still, Han did the best he could and managed to get you through some trees and onto one side of the planet. Could have been worse too, you guess.   
"Right. Here's our stop," Han said and turned in his seat. "Those who want to stay on the ride has to pay extra." You gave him a look. Whether it was of disapproval or humor was hard to tell. All you could think about was that you were there. Somehow, you were going to save someone. You. Maybe you had bitten off more than you could chew. Chewie said something. You wanted to reply. Too bad you were frozen in your seat. 

_He's right there. You knew what would happen if he caught you. Run faster. Never stop. Survive._

"Need to keep moving, kiddo," Han said and pulled you closer to his shoulder, _~~dragging~~_ helping you along the massive snow. Chewie and Finn had taken the lead, taking cover behind the treelines. You walked towards the huge structure. It should have swallowed you whole, really. Would have done you a favor if nothing else.   
"I hear you met my son," Han suddenly said, making you choke on air.   
"No, no, I haven't. Nope. Nopety. Know nothing about the guy," you blurted out, suddenly terrified of what would happen if someone knew that Kylo Ren was your imaginary ~~friend~~ acquaintance.   
"Leia told me that you stood face to face with him on Polowitar," Han stated, looking at you from the corner of his eyes. You wanted to smack your own forehead.   
"Yeah, no, that happened. Right. I forgot for a second," you tried to explain.   
"How was he?" Han asked, obviously not too hung up on the fact that you were talking very incoherently.   
"Well, I guess he was fine. Maybe a little torn," you began.   
"Torn?"  
"Well, no, I mean. I think he's divided in his paths. Sometimes he seemed like a guy who cared. Other times he seemed like he was going to step into my guts and do a dance," you said, trying you best to walk through the layers of snow. The building had to be getting closer, right?   
"You got all that from seeing him _once?"_ Han asked, lifting an eyebrow and got slower in his step. _Uh oh. Play along._  
"Yeah, sure. Sure, I did. Yeah," you said. _Oh, you terrible liar, you._  
"I think my boots are more snow than boots at the moment," you tried, not very discreetly changing the subject.   
"Hey, over here," interrupted Finn, cutting the awkwardness in half. Hurriedly you scooted towards the wall of the structure, clinging to it like gum to your shoes.   
"The flooding tunnels are over that ridge. We'll get in that way," Finn continued, pointing towards something you couldn't quite see. Every possible question dropped onto your head, but Han was quicker.   
"What was your job when you were based here?" he asked. Finn just shot him a look. _Uh oh._  
"Sanitation," Finn replied. _Ah._  
"Sanitation?" Han barked, obviously a little less relieved than you were about the fact that it wasn't only you who avoided telling the truth. "Then how do you know how to disable the shields?" Han continued. _Fair point._ For a moment you contemplated why you weren't as pissed as Han. Maybe because you were frozen to the core, both figuratively and a little literally. Or perhaps because you knew that if Kylo Ren found you he would either push your hair behind your ear or push a lightsaber through your guts. Flip a coin, really.   
"I don't. I'm just here to get Rey," Finn continued, making you focus on him once again.   
"People are counting on us," Han said through gritted teeth. _That's not what he wanted to say. Leia was counting on him. "_ The galaxy is counting on us,"   
"Solo, we'll figure it out," said Finn. _Way to go, Jacket._ ' _Calm down, grandpa'. "_ We'll use the Force," he continued, grabbing your attention by the collar. _Excuse you, toilet scrubber?_ Han threw you a side-glance. _Oh. Finn didn't know about you._  
"That's not how the force works," Han said once again, obviously filled to the brim with lack of ideas. Chewie complained for a second.   
"Oh, really, you're cold?" 

_How he had found you, you weren't quite sure. All you could do was holding your hands in front of your mouth as to not make a sound. Your spine shook against the treetrunk, making the dead leaves rustle. You wanted to shush at them. It was useless of course. He could feel you. And he would claim you._

"You want me to blast that bucket off your head? Lower the shields," Finn said and threatened the very shiny stormtrooper. You should have parted ways ages ago. If anyone could find Rey, it was you. _Well, that's technically not a lie._ You were quick and observant in finding people. Last time you had done that, it resulted in a dead kid, though. Rey was different, right? No force, but a whole lot of energy. She could be tracked. And you, the tracker, should have been given a leash and a smelly sock to fulfill your talent. Instead, you hastily snuck away, giving Han a quick heads-up before you left. 

_"You can't hide from me," his voice rung through the forest. It was terrifying, really. You wanted to answer him. Wanted to bite back. Instead, you let out a shaky breath and begged to every entity you could that this wouldn't be the end of you. Silently, you clutched the lightsaber closer to your chest. He spoke once more. "We are destined for each other."_

How were you supposed to get through the massive amount of stormtroopers with just a metal stick of death that you didn't know how to use? The answer wasn't as complicated as you might have thought. You were after all still wanted. Your face had been on a poster for weeks. They would have gotten used to it by now. Seen it so many times that they must be quite calm about it now that the whole planet was in chaos. _You begged for Poe to be alright._ Still. It left quite the opportunity for you to just straddle through the place, face as lowered as you could. If a stormtrooper jogged by, you would just turn and begin tampering with one of the panels. _It worked just like a body, right? Open the panel - open the ribcage. Right?_ It shouldn't have looked that suspicious. That thought lasted until your very first meeting with a stormtrooper. He waddled forward, eyeing you through the helmet as you tried to walk past him ~~her?~~   
"Where is your uniform, trooper?" asked the stormtrooper. _Play dumb._  
"Where is _yours?" Not that dumb._  
"I'm wearing it," replied the stormtrooper, measuring himself up and down for a moment. _Play smarter._  
"I'm sor-"   
"I'm taking you to the Commander," he said, and hair stood up on the end of your arms as he moved towards you.   
"Commander?" you asked,   
"Yes. Ren. About this tall, wears all black and a mask that looks like a bucket," he said and grabbed ahold of your arm. "Please don't tell him that I told you that," he continued. _Uh oh. Time to freak out._  
"No! Not Ren! No, please!" you begged, letting your knees buckle completely. The poor stormtrooper couldn’t hold your weight as he was everything but prepared for a sack of rocks in his hand.   
"He-" you began. _What were you supposed to say? ~~Sorry, I plan to kidnap your hostage. Hope you don't mind.~~_ "He blinded me," you said, closing your eyes and flipping your arms in the air, ~~not-~~ intentionally smacking the trooper in the face as you did.   
"Oh no, not you too," he said, and your head whipped up to ~~look~~ follow his sound. _Wait. That worked?_  
"Yes, me too. With a snap he just-" you pretended to contain a sob, "made it all dark. My poor family. Now I can't work anymore. How shall I feed them?" you begged and clung onto his leg for dramatic effect.   
"Shh, lady. Calm down," he said, a sigh of compassion in his breath.   
"I tried to pretend. Look like I could still see. I guess I must have taken the wrong clothes, because I thought I was wearing a uniform," you continued, frankly a little surprised by your own ability to make up such a ~~cringy~~ heartbreaking story.   
"Oh, no, don't cry," he said, despite you not crying at all, "I won't turn you in. Continue working in blindness. Just be more careful from now on. Remember, the uniform is orange. That is how you tell the difference," _Oh, wow, bit of a smart guy this one._  
"I'll do my best next time, sir," you said, and let go of his legs. He gave you a short pat on the head, and then proceeded to walk away from you, leaving you quite baffled. 

_"I know you. This - this is not enough for you. Your potential should be lit, so it can explode into a controlled fire. I will help you. Whether you want it or not,"_

You weren't quite sure how you had managed to make your way through the different corridors. The one thing you were certain about was that you were just by the room where Rey was kept. Problem - stormtrooper guarding the entrance. You were certain your blindness trick wouldn't work again. It was a miracle it worked once. Still. You needed him gone. How? Carefully you tried to unlace your boot without making any sound. Silently, oh so silently, you raised your boot over your head, then tossed it with all your might at the other end of the corridor. You weren't quite sure why you thought it would work. Perhaps because it seemed so stupid that it might be the perfect plan. Too bad you hadn't considered the fact that the stormtrooper wasn't stupid, and simply watched as the boot flew from one side of the corridor to the other, then back to where you threw it from. _Shit. That would have worked if the boot wasn't in the stormtroopers line of sight.  
"_Who's there?" he asked, making you clutch the wall you hid behind. Frick. Panic. This wasn't going according to plan. Focus. Could you tip something at the other end of the hall? Was there anything there? Yes, panels. There was a lot of panels. Of course. The whole ship was full of them. There must have been one at the other end of the corridor. Breathe. You tried to deafen the footsteps that got closer by each heartbeat. Instead you filled your head to the brim with the panels and imagined how each and every one would open and give off several sparks. Focus.   
"Reveal yourself," he demanded, and your focus broke when you heard the familiar sound of a weapon's charge. Panic. Then the corridor went dark. Was that you’re doing? Could you do something like that again? Anxiety got a grip around your throat as a you saw the trooper around the corner and stared right at you. Before you knew what you were doing you lifted a hand, and suddenly he flew a few steps, landing on his back. He let out a cough as you tried to focus again. Had you done that? Just now, was that you? Focus on the panels again. _Oh, wait, what's the point of distracting him now?_ Oh, no. Did that mean you had to fight? Frick. Adrenaline pumped through your veins as you stepped away from the wall, just in time to see the gun firing in your direction. Somehow, by a miracle, you were able to move out of the way. Must have been the force. Is the force able to make you do that? _Oh, shit._ It was a miracle that you managed to avoid another shot and then barely found your balance again.   
"Can you stop shooting?" you asked, a little frightened and a little out of your mind. Curiously enough, the trooper lowered his gun and stared at you blankly for a second.   
"I'm a doctor. I'm here to fix the prisoner," you lied, sweat running down your back.   
"I didn't hear anything about a doctor," he said.   
"of course, you haven't. Why would they inform you?"   
"Wait, you threw me across the room," he said, and suddenly the gun was loaded and aimed at you once again. He didn't shoot though. _Focus._  
"You will leave us, so that I that I can look after the prisoner," you said, trying your best to channel the force through your voice. It seemed to work as he lowered his gun and sighed.   
"I don't get paid enough for this shit. Fine. You have five minutes," 

_"There is no place left for you in this universe. You're alone. Join me,"_

Well, that was easier than spreading butter on toast. Problem was that he kept lingering at the doorway, barely letting you in. Luckily his back was turned. Carefully you walked up around the metal plate, revealing the prisoner.   
"If you're here because he told you to, you're wasting your time. I won't talk," she said. _Oh, how brave._ You admired it for a second. Then you revealed your face. For a second you were a bit confused that her face didn't break into a smile. Then you realized that she hadn't seen you before. You had barely gotten a glance at her before yourself. Still, her beauty astounded you a little. Not because it was overwhelming and extravagant, but because it was so unique, breaking all rules of what should be considered ideal.   
"Well, what are you waiting for?" she spat, hitting her wrist against the metal that held her down. For a second she seemed uncertain. That could work in your favor. As long as the guard outside thought you did your job, everything would work just fine. With a very clumsy and shaky hand you managed to conjure a little tool, made for cutting metal.   
"You won't hurt me," she said again, head held high as she wore her pride like a mask. To you, she looked naked. Vulnerable like a newborn. Every ounce of courage and every drop of defiance would get her killed. She was defenseless.   
"I won't," you whispered as you let the tiny tool work around her cuff. You quickly shushed her by putting your free hand over her mouth.   
"Wad de-" she mumbled into your hand, but you just shushed her again, shooting her a look. She was quick to silence this time, her eyes widening for a second, before she managed to nod and play along.   
"Don't try anything," you said, and she looked a little confused again. Quickly you moved your eyes to the guard, and her gaze followed yours.   
"You didn't knock out the guard?" she hissed, and you almost had to wipe her spit from your face.   
"It wasn't that easy," you whispered, hoping her voice didn't attract the guard’s attention and she sighed for a second. Once you had managed to cut both of the cuffs, you moved over to the legs.   
"How's it going?" asked the trooper from the doorway, and suddenly you felt as if your head weighed as much as a feather.   
"Fine-" you began, but your voice cracked and suddenly you were a thirteen-year-old boy, "Fine," you repeated.   
"Which sector are you from?" he continued, making you sweat a little as your tool worked the best it could.   
"Oh, you know, B," you said.   
"No, I mean which primarily sector," he repeated, and you almost laughed at how you had dodged a bullet the first time. Now you had to do it twice.   
"Uh," you began, "I... Uh-" Why couldn't you think of anything? Was it still a letter? A number? A codeword? Frick this. Seconds passed. You saw in the corner of your eye that the trooper turned towards you. _Stop him._  
"Can you please not interrupt me while I work? I'm losing focus, which means the prisoner can lose a leg," you said as you shook your head up at Rey so she would relax a little. Truth was, the tool almost cut her skin when your focus drifted for a second.   
"Oh. Sorry, sir," he said, and for a second you felt a little prideful. As well as ashamed, because he sounded really embarrassed. When Rey was free from her restraints, she thanked you with a nod before she snuck up behind the stormtrooper. With a brutal force she gave him a punch in the back of his head, and it seemed she had knocked him out. _Poor trooper. He didn't get payed enough for that shit._ Rey picked up his gun and then looked at you.   
"You comin'?" she asked, but just as she was about to continue on her way, she froze. Luckily for you, that was how you knew that he wasn't really there. If you hadn't known that, your heart would have stopped. Literally.   
"You're here," he said, looking just as surprised as he did.   
"You're on this planet," he said again, and you suddenly realized he wasn't even talking to you. He was reassuring himself. With quick steps he reached you, a smile in his eyes.   
"I knew you would. Where are you?" he continued, this time looking at you face, scanning for any kind of emotion. Anything. _Oh, you were about to disappoint him._  
"I'm not here for you," you said, trying your best to stand tall and not die from choking on air. The second his eyes darkened was when you realized you were doomed.   
"You're here with _them._ You intend to fight for _them._ " he spat, leaving harsh footprints in your ears as he did.   
"I told you before. I have chosen a side," you said, almost sorry about how hurt he looked.   
"You will choose differently,"   
"I won't. Kylo. Let's be real. I will never join you," you said, questioning the shaking in your voice.   
"Where are you?" he repeated, suddenly not looking at you, but over to the side. He must be close to a monitor.   
"This isn't going to work," you continued, and walked to meet him halfway. He was so close. He could have punched you if he wanted to. ~~Or kissed you.~~  
"I will die for the resistance," you said, not actually believing your own words. _You wouldn't actually die for anyone._  
"No. I won't have that," he said, and lifted his hand to rest against the side of your head. From the outside it might have looked like a loving gesture. To you it was as clear as daylight. It was a threat. Hovering against you, leaving pressure in its wake.   
"Let's have one thing clear," he said through gritted teeth, "You set foot on this planet. That was by choice. I'm never going to let you leave it. This is where your story will end, one way or the other." 


	20. Horrible Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whooooooooooh, what a ride. I had a plan to write a looooot more story in this chapter, but it became so long I had to stop. I find it a bit messy, but I wanted to get it out to you lovely people! Here, take it! Taaaake it! Enjoy it!

«That’s a bit overdramatic, don’t you think?” You asked and crossed your arms over your ~~stomach~~ chest as you tried to look ~~not so vulnerable~~ confident. Shaking, you tried to look over your shoulder in Reys direction. How you begged for her to start moving again.   
“I truly hoped you would change your mind,” he said, his voice sending waves of electricity down your spine. You had almost forgot. _Did he remember?  
“_I saw something,” you began, uncertain how to fraise yourself without spilling everything.   
“What?” Kylo asked, every breath of harshness replaced by a tenderness, and you felt your muscles grow weak. _Why was that a thing?_  
“Do you remember me?” you asked, your hands tightening the grip around your arms.   
“What do you mean?” Kylo repeated, his thumb lazily stroking your cheek. How you hated that you knew it could turn back to threatening at any second. You wanted to lean against him. Feel his warmth. Erase every trace of rivalry. _Weren’t you supposed to dislike this guy?_ What had changed? Why were you suddenly so enclosed in the trap that was Kylo Ren? And why did you care if he felt that way about you?   
“I-“ you began, suddenly feeling the need to take a deep breath.   
“Oh, my clever doctor,” Kylo said and once again let his thumb stroke the outline of your cheekbone. _My. His._ “You will have all the time in the universe to tell me everything once we meet. It won’t be long. I’m headed for you right now,” he continued, and you felt every ounce of composition leave your body like a squished grape. It was quite a vision to see your eyes go from calm to panic in a split second. With a last stroke his hand left your face and you were suddenly alone with your own overwhelming emotions and too much air. _Frick Kylo Ren and his power play. Frick him and the way he tried to control you. Frick his thumb. ~~Not literally. Right?~~_ No one were to control you, no. You were way too smart for that ~~?~~. There was a reason he hadn’t caught you yet.   
“Well?” Oh, another voice. _Wait, right. Rey._  
“Yes!” you answered and turned to her a little too excited. With a spring in your step you jogged towards her and then continued once you passed her, impatiently waiting for her to follow your lead.   
“I passed through here on the way here, but I’m not quite sure what to do if we run into any troopers,” you said and continued jogging down the hallway. It echoed beneath your feet and for a second your gaze dropped down to look at several panels with a similar design. _Why was the floor hollow?_  
”Who are you?” asked Rey suddenly, and you almost had to stifle a laugh as you remembered that she actually had no clue who you were.   
“I work for the Resistance. Han Solo and Finn is here with me, everyone looking for you,” you said, feeling a little proud of yourself as you did. Now it seemed like the best time to announce it to yourself. _You were a hero.  
“_Finn sent you?” she asked, quite enthusiastic in her step. _Well, you weren’t exactly put in an envelope, written to ‘Rey Nameless’ on ‘Doomey planet of doom’ ‘Room with surprisingly empathic stormtrooper in front’, stamped and put in a mailbox._  
“Yeh,” you replied, trying your best to make out the two silhouettes in front of you. Was it Han and Finn? Was it two stormtroopers on their way to kill you? _Who knows? Might have been Kylo Ren in a Tutu as well._  
“Other way,” you mumbled as you were able to make out the stormtroopers. Rey nodded silently and both of you turned on your heel. Unfortunately for you, another shadow appeared from where you came. At first you thought your guts threatened to spill out of your throat. Your heart began beating with the tempo of a thousand drums hit by kids. He was right there. A couple of ten steps forward and he would be close enough to touch. How did he find you?   
“Bad time to freeze,” said Rey and pulled on your sleeve. You almost lost your balance as your vision began to sway like a boat during a storm.  
“That’s Kylo Ren,” Rey continued, and you wanted to literally swallow your tongue. _No shit._ Instead you got down on all fours and began praying one of the floorboards open. _Of course, he found you. The big bad. Baderoo’._  
A fingernail tore and you yelped in pain for a second, before you resumed to what you were doing. He wasn’t close enough yet. _No force-using yet, mr Nono_. Quickly enough the floor yielded, and you managed to open it. You had been right. An air shaft was put right beneath the hallway. You hinted at Rey to go first, which she did. For a second you looked in Kylo’s direction once again. He was closer now. How badly you wanted him to reach you. How badly you wanted to get away from his grip. You began ascending into the shaft, but stopped when you were halfway. _Why?_ You looked up at Kylo again. _Right._ He was close enough. With one hand stretched out he managed to hold you in place, but just barely. A distraction. Anything. With numb fingers you found your last shoe and slowly took it off. He was so close. _Please. Let go._ You jumped once you felt his hold loosen for a short second. Terrified you met his gaze. ' _Your thoughts are so loud, and so silent at the same time'._ His hand tightened, making you feel like you were choking for a second. Then you lifted your arm and tossed your shoe with all your might in his direction. You winced once his grip dropped you and you fell to the bottom of the shaft with a thud. _No shoes. Great._ That wasn’t the only thing that occupied your mind though.   
“He can read my mind,” you stuttered, feeling your breath leave your body like a slug climbing up your throat.   
“Find them,” rung from above you, and you listened while you ducked out of their line of sight. They wouldn’t follow you down here, would they?   
“I need the one with the red jacket alive. I don’t care what you do about the other one,” Kylo finished, and you flinched when his steps echoed away from you. You began moving again once Rey got ahold of your arm. _Keep moving. Don’t let him catch you.  
“_He can read my goddamn mind,” you breathed as you crawled down the shaft on all fours. How you fit at all was a mystery. As well was the huge drop down from the main floor.   
“He does that. Read mine too,” she said, and your head snapped up at her there you crawled behind her. _Nooooo._  
“Does he know now?” you asked, holding your heart steady as you did. Rey hesitated for a second and she kept crawling down the vent.  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she answered. _Wookieshit.  
“_The map. Does he know? Did he see it?” you pushed, noticing the hesitance in her crawl. Footsteps were heard above you, so you stopped and listened until they were gone.   
“Why does he want you alive?” Rey asked and turned the tables completely. You didn’t know whether to be impressed or insulted. All that occupied your mind was to lie. _Lie._  
“Because my jacket is nice. Maybe he wants it for himself,” you said, almost biting your tongue as you did. Rey didn’t laugh. _Better lie. Now._ Why had you trapped yourself by not telling the truth from the beginning? Then again, what would have happened if you told them right away? _‘Hi guys, Kylo Ren found his way into my brain and started poking around. Help?’_. No, you’d probably be interrogated. Maybe weaponized. You weren’t ready for that. Not by your own group. Not by your friends. Although, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe Leia had the answer on how to extract her own son from someone’s brain. _‘Eat three pickles a day for a week, and he should be gone. He could never stand the smell of pickles,’_. Or perhaps they would have left you to your own devices. Completely. Left you on a stranded planet and moved one without you. _No, they wouldn’t do that. Would they?_ Rey looked back at you impatiently. Then, just as you were about to come up with the perfect lie, she dropped down, leaving you alone in the vent. Carefully you followed her lead, and before you knew it you were on your feet in a small control room. _Nice._  
"We need to find Han and Finn," you said and wiped the sweat of your brow. It wasn't the fact that you already had reached your limit, quite the contrary. The heat that radiated from the machinery made it hard to breathe.   
"We should be able to climb down here," said Rey and opened another hatch in the same way you had just minutes before. The problem was that instead of a shaft, the sight that greeted you was a very long way down. In fact, you couldn't even see the bottom. No way you would jump down there.   
"You do have experience with climbing, right?" she asked as she began to wiggle herself down the hatch and onto the wall. _Climb. That's what she said. Not jump._ She made it look so easy, the way she swayed from plate to plate, barely holding on by her fingertips. There was no way you could do that.   
"I don't think I can," you said and leaned down the hatch. For a moment Rey stopped and looked up at you. The way her eyes shone of confusion and disappointment made her look like the General for a second.   
"There must be another way, and besides," you paused and looked up at a few of the panels, "I think I can do some more damage from up here," Which really wasn't the case. Or, perhaps you could frick something up. You had the tools for it, after all.   
"Will you be alright?" Rey asked and looked up at you. You were completely baffled by the way she clung to the wall like she had magnets in her hands. Even so a tiny warmth spread through your chest as she asked, and you felt appreciated for a second. The smile that reached your lips were genuine.   
"Yes, go find Han. If you reach the Millennium Falcon and I'm not there-" you hesitated. _What in the universe were you saying? It was insane._ "Go. If you find Han and you manage to arm the bombs, just get out. Hopefully I'll join you," _Were you crazy? This wasn't you. Not at all. "_ Yeah. I'll manage. Hug Poe Dameron from me, ok?" you asked and before she could answer you closed the hatch and raised yourself up to standing. Panic flooded your system like a dam exploding. _Frick. What had you just said? Had you actually insisted that they left you behind? That was insane. This was it. You had officially lost it._  
"What have I done?" you asked yourself silently before you lifted your hands and entangled them in your hair. Time to panic. _No._ You deserved better than that. _Belt. Instruments. Break stuff. You were good at that._

You _think_ you broke the ventilation in one of the bathrooms and blew the electricity in the main halls. You might have broken the ventilation in the control room as well, because it got harder and harder to breathe. Might also have been your own lungs shutting down. _Like, who knows? Live a little._  
Somehow you found the courage to go back into the air vent and up from where you came. This time there was no stormtroopers or Kylo Ren to stop you this time. You were on your own as you bolted through the dark corridors. _You must have done something right._ The place looked deserted. No one to find anywhere. That was until you heard the message over the speakers. It must have been there all the time, but somehow you hadn't managed to listen like you did now. You had swatted the sound away like the buzz it was. Now you regretted it very much.   
"All stormtroopers to the hangar, we are under attack," repeated the message, over and over again. _Poe._ He was here. He was going to die. _No._ Not him. You were going to save him, even if it demanded every breath you had. Also, the lightsaber began bumping into your hip again, a slight reminder that it was there. Somehow you had forgotten about it. It might have been because of the extreme pressure you were under that you had somehow neglected the most powerful weapon that had ever been in your possession. You had never even activated it. Would you know how if time demanded it? Probably not. With clumsy fingers you tried to unhinge it from your belt, and you slowed down to a walking pace. The weapon felt heavy in your hand. Like it didn't belong. Still, after a few looks you managed to find the safety switch and turned it. Breathe. Just as you were about to press the activation button you were interrupted by voices. With a newfound elegance you managed to stick to the wall, so you became invisible to the stormtroopers that passed.   
"I heard Han Solo was aboard," said one of them as they kept jogging away from you, in a very determined direction. _Adrenaline pumped._ Carefully you stepped out of your hiding place. W _hy were you doing this?_ As silently as you were able to you followed them, around corners and down lots of stairs. Time flew as you tried to keep up with the troopers, but out of their sight.   
"I just want something else for breakfast, you know? It's not like I'm asking for a raise," one trooper said and suddenly you snapped out of your trance and looked to your left. _Peculiar._ Was this you? It almost felt like you were a puppet. _Who was the puppeteer?_ Frankly enough you didn't care. All that was in your line of vision was Han Solo. He stood behind a glass, and you spectated him from above. A smile broke onto your face as you saw that he was accompanied by Chewbacca. You hoped Rey had found them. Still, no bombs were placed yet. You had time. They weren't going to leave you. So, desperately you left your trail of following the troopers and began working on how to find a way inside. 

It wasn't a too difficult task. Before you knew it, you entered the hatch and suddenly all eyes were on you.   
"I told Rey that she was crazy. We can't leave without this one," Han said as you skipped down the steps as if you were just meeting up with your friends. ~~Not like there was a death threat above your heads. Literally.~~   
"You met Rey?" you asked, a smile glowing on your whole face.   
"Yes, but talk later. We've got a few charges to place. Help us?" he asked and gave you a pat on the back as he and Chewie determinedly looked over the edge of the railing and down into the filter. You just nodded silently and followed them, a slight feeling of seriousness overwhelming you once more. It was far down.  
"We'll set the charges at every other column," said Han, but Chewbacca came up with another idea which made you and Han look around and reconsider.   
"You're right, that's a better idea," Han said, "You take the top," he finished, and Chewbacca did as he was told. For a second Han seemed to consider where to place you, but quickly decided.   
"We'll go down below. You take right, I do left, then we'll meet back here," he said, and you complied without hesitation. Before you knew it, explosives were put in your hand and you began placing them with a newfound eagerness. _This was going to be ok. You were going to get away._ The thought got dragged out of your head once a door opened at the other end of the room. There was a lot of steps. Then none. They had stopped.   
"Find them," you knew that voice. You would have known it even if you were asleep. Therefore, you managed to hide between two columns before Kylo and the squad of troopers entered your area. It was as if you could feel their breath down your neck as they searched. How could safety be so dangerous in such a short amount of time? You hadn't seen anybody yet, but you held your breath as one trooper ran right by you. When he was gone you slid out of your hiding space and places yet another bomb. That was when your eyes landed on Kylo. He hadn't seen you. Felt you, undoubtedly, but he just kept walking down a bridge that connected one side of the room to the other. He was so close. One level down and you would have stood just a few meters apart. Then something hit you in the face like a steam hammer. _Remember who is down there?_ Before you could stop yourself, you peaked over the edge and your eyes landed on Han. There was hesitation in his step, no doubt, and you saw his intention long before he must have himself. _No. Stop. Don't._  
"Ben!" Hans voice echoed through the room, and you watched in horror as Kylo stopped, right at the center of the bridge. Like in slow motion he turned around to face his father, and you couldn't move as he did.   
"Han Solo. I've been waiting for this day for a long time," Kylo said and suddenly you found a new energy in your legs. Carefully, trying your best not to disturb the stormtroopers at your level, you began walking towards the stairs so you could walk down to reach them. _Stop. Please. Rewind. This can't be undone.  
"_Take off that mask. You don't need it," Han said, and you felt your brain pouring through your ears. There was so many feelings that radiated from Kylo. It penetrated you to the point where you couldn't distinguish your feelings from his. How was he able to project at that level?   
"What do you think you'll see if I do?" asked Kylo as you reached their floor and stood a few steps behind Han Solo. There was no doubt that Kylo had spotted you by now. Too bad that wasn't his only distraction. Your hand barely missed the back of Han's jacket as you tried to stop him from moving, so he slipped through your fingers like sand. He was going towards his own doom.   
"The face of my son," he said, and you almost admired his courage. Still, it was going to get him killed. You had to stop him. You didn't quite know what to expect when Kylo began to take off his mask. There was a slight hope in you that the face looked unfamiliar. That the one you had talked to hadn't been Kylo Ren at all. Maybe it had all been a very uncomfortable dream. Your disappointment shone through the second you laid eyes on him. He was even more beautiful that you remembered. How could someone so horrible look like that?   
"Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish, like his father," Kylo said, and you felt his shame. Those words didn't feel right on his tongue either. "So I destroyed him," he finished, raising his head in defiance. He knew you felt that. _Stop._ For a fraction of a second, Kylo's eyes landed on you. It felt different this time. It was real. Raw. No escaping this nightmare.   
"That's what Snoke wants you to believe, but it's not true," Han said and moved another step towards the dark lord of darkness. "My son is alive,"   
"No. The Supreme Leader is wise," Kylo said.   
"Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants, he'll crush you," Han said, but your eyes were focused on Ren. There was something off. "You know it's true," Han continued, and you watched in amazement as Kylo's expression changed into one of hesitation. _He knew._  
"It's too late," _What was that? A softness in Kylo's voice?  
"_No, it's not. Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you," Han said and a range of emotions hit you like tidal wave. There was a lot of conflict hidden in the boy.   
"I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain," Kylo said and you almost held your breath as Han took another step forward.   
"I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?" _He wasn't going to back down. No way. How?_  
"Yes, anything," Han said and you watched silently as the two men united at the bridge. At first you didn't know what to believe. The emotions you felt was freight, pain and hesitation. You couldn't see what was going on, so you held your breath and waited until another range of emotions splashed in your direction. There wasn't conflict anymore, just confusion and panic. Most surprisingly of all was your ability to distinguish the feelings. They didn't belong to you. Then, a light. Screams. Panic. Your eyes didn't land on the lightsaber that shot through Han's back until the deed was done. Everything was red. And in all that red and confusion reigned another voice in your head. It was harsh and unforgiving, but it echoed through your skull like a rubber ball.   
_' **No,'.** _Then it became clear to you. It wasn't Kylo Ren who activated the lightsaber. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo... Forgive me?


	21. Colossal Minimal Damage

_Stop._

_The world needed to stop._

_Give you time to breathe._  
  
Unfortunately, nothing stopped. The universe was a cruel place and you were ripped back to reality before you could even comprehend what was happening. Not even a single thought managed to form in your head when your hand reached out to Han. You weren’t close enough to touch him at all. Still, your hand stretched forward, tricking itself to believe that if you just pushed a little further, he would come to you. That didn’t happen. He stood there motionless as the lightsaber sizzled and deactivated. You expected him to fall. You waited for Han Solo to get ripped from your life when you just got him back. But he didn’t. He just stayed there. Back towards you, his head hanging low, swaying a little perhaps. But he stood. Seconds felt like hours. Everyone seemed to hold their breath. A pin fell and gave you tinnitus. Then your hand twitched. It was weird, because Han twitched in the same motion.   
_What the fuck?_ Reality dawned on you like summer in December, and suddenly your heart began drumming like electricity coursed through your veins. You couldn’t quite comprehend it, but somehow, somewhere in your brain you just knew that this was you. Carefully you tried to lift your hand, but it was heavy. As if someone held it down with all of their bodyweight. Still you pressed on, lifting it one inch at the time. You almost lost hope, but then you saw that Han's feet hovered just over the ground. You should have felt scared. Terrified. Yet you didn’t.  
You felt _powerful._ There lay a newfound confidence in your bones, knowing this was your doing. For the first time in your life, you felt unstoppable.

And it was _great._  
  
You wanted to celebrate. Let the world know what you could do. Unfortunately, the situation called for something different. You needed to get Han away from Kylo. _How the frick were you supposed to do that?_ Lifting Han off the ground already stretched your limits. How were you supposed to carry him further?  
 _Leia._ Han might deserve to go out like this, trying to get his son back from the dark, pouring himself into his cause. Dying at the hands of the evil he swore to defeat. Yet Leia didn't. She deserved better. She deserved to get him back. To get both of them home. That mindset grounded you. You repositioned your feet so that your knees could give a little while you lifted your hand higher. _More._ Your other hand joined in on the invisible lift. The power that that soared through your veins threatened to make you smile, but you couldn't let it. You called for someone's attention. Someone to help you. His name rolled off your lips like canon fire, and you got the roar you hoped for in response. Without looking, you knew he was standing on the platform above you. You just needed to get Han over the railing. From there on it would be on Chewie, and all you needed to do was to get out. _A little more. Please._ He was within an arm’s reach of Chewie when electricity jolted through your fingers, making you lose both your concentration and grip. A scream got stuck in your throat as Han began falling. Luckily, Chewie's arm managed to get ahold of Han's jacket, preventing him from falling further. You breathed out in relief as Han got lifted over the railing and onto the platform where he needed to be. _Victory. You fucking did it._ That was when you realized the toll of using the force. Your knees threatened to give out completely and you bent over to catch your breath.   
_You did your best. You didn't run or hide._  
Your air supply was cut off. _Panic._ A strange sensation filled your chest. Before you knew it, your feet hovered over the ground, and your hands clawed at an invisible hand holding your throat. You tried to struggle. Your legs kicked and inhuman sounds escaped from your mouth as you tried to catch just a drop of air. Anything. Your eyes were wide as you looked over at Kylo. His hand was lifted straight towards you, much in the same fashion as you had towards Han. Yet his grip wasn't friendly at all. You found a familiar feeling in his eyes as he held you there. _Fear._ Terror sent shivers down your spine as you became desperate. 

**BAM**

There was a pinch. A whimper escaped you as you fell back onto the platform on all fours. Then there was pain. Hot, burning and suffocating. Panic flooded your system once more. _Where?_ You needed to locate it. Stop the bleeding. _Was it mortal_? Your hand gripped your side, almost throwing you off your balance. 

_Get up._

Hesitantly you sat back on your heels, still holding your ribs. _A punctured lung?_ No, you could still breathe, and blood wasn't filling your mouth. _Was the rectus abdominis torn?_ No, you wouldn't be able to sit back if that was the case. _Why couldn't you find the wound?_ Time slipped through your fingers at a dangerous pace. 

_Get up. You needed to get up._

Hesitantly you lifted your gaze. Shockwaves coursed through your body when you looked at Kylo. Realization dawned on you like summer in December. It wasn't _you_ who had been shot. Kylo knelt, his head hanging low, rasped gasps for air slipping through his throat. His hand clutched his side, reflecting you, but his glove was drenched in blood. _Fuck this projecting-shit._ You tried to stand, but it proved difficult as the pain felt real although the wound wasn't. You just needed to get out. Chewie let out a cry and motivated you to try a little harder, and before you knew it you were back to standing. 

_Get out._

  
You needed to get the stairs. There was just one level up, and you hoped Chewie would meet you there. 

**BAM**

You came to an abrupt halt when another blaster was fired. Another shot passed your head and suddenly you realized that there was a full-blown war going on around you. You had just been too occupied with everything else while it happened. You felt surrounded as stormtroopers shot at you from every angle, but somehow you managed to duck out of the way each and every time. 

_Stairs. Get to the stairs._

You wanted to look back at Kylo in a moment of hesitation. _He needed your help. Save him._

You didn't turn back. Instead you pressed on, finally finding the stairs you needed to climb. You pushed forward, step after step until you reached the desired level. At first you couldn't find Chewie and your heart almost broke. Then the furry creature rounded a corner and into your line of vision. With one arm he fired shot after shot, hitting one stormtrooper after the other. Over his shoulder lay a limp Han Solo. You wanted to cry. Wanted to laugh. Everything just felt so great. Too bad it wasn't over. _Door. Find the door._ Your ribs gave you a painful reminder of what was in store if you didn't find it. You took a quick look around before you managed to locate it.   
"Let's go," you yelled over the blazing gunfire as you kept your head low and aimed for the way out of the room that seemed to get darker and bloodier the longer you stayed there. Chewie cried out behind you, following your lead the best he could. You couldn't quite recall if there had ever been a time where someone followed _you,_ and not the other way around. 

_Pride._

You had completely forgotten that you had thrown away your shoes, but got a harsh reminder the second your feet connected to the snow. The cold was relentless to your skin, making you feel like you were on fire. _~~Which was quite ironic.~~_ You tried your best to maneuver through the thick layers, but it seemed fruitless. Your strength had already been drained, and the ~~wound~~ pain at your side stung and made it hard to breathe. There was too many things happening at once, and your head felt as if it was filled with cotton. Your sprint increased in speed, but Chewbacca was faster and before you knew it, he moved past you. With an aching chest you watched helplessly as the distance increased between the two of you. Soon both of your made it into the forest. The trees made it almost impossible to keep up with him, even though he was the one carrying the ~~dead~~ weight. 

_Let them leave._

"Chewie," you cried, heaving for your breath as needles tore into the soles of your feet and your side hurt so bad you wanted to puke. _The pain isn't yours._ "Stop,"   
Chewie slowed down and stopped when there were just a few feet between you. Pain tore through is expression as he watched how bad you were struggling. For a moment you thought about how confused he must have been since you weren't actually carrying a wound. He roared. A snort left your body as you tried to smile.   
"Don't be silly. You can't carry both Han and me. That way neither of us will make it," you said, and your heart sank as both you and Chewie realized what had to be done. Your hope fluttered once again as you thought you saw Hans chest raise and fall. 

_Let them go._

Time was precious, so when you began talking again you tried to explain as fast as you could.   
"The first thing you need to do when you get to the Millennium Falcon-," you began, swallowing the lump in your throat. _Don't back down._ "Is to begin a drip. Just hook one of those bad boys into his arm and begin. I packed it full of neoplasm and epinephrine, just in case. Make sure you give him plenty of oxygen as well. And keep him from going in shock. The wound is probably already sterilized, and the bleeding cut off because of the heat from the lightsaber, but just in case-"   
You were interrupted by the familiar sound of a saber being activated a little deeper into the forest. How you managed to hear it was beyond you, but it gave you the drive you needed to send them away. Another wave of pain coursed through your body like lightning and you crouched, heaving for your breath.   
"Go," you continued, this time in a whisper, "I'll hold him off-" you hesitated, "I think. Might also just flee in another direction. Maybe I'll defeat him completely. I'm full of surprises today, obviously," you finished, a tiny smile on your face and a shrug of your shoulders. Chewie didn't find it amusing. Instead he pressed you against him in a desperate attempt for a hug. Your arms wrapped around him, and you ignored the pain at your ribs. _This was more important._ The moment lasted a lifetime and still it wasn't long enough. Your eyes began to sting a little as you gave Chewie a friendly push. He roared silently, and you wiped the tear from your cheek.   
"No, I'll find you. Just get back to base. Promise to give Poe Dameron my love," There was so many things you wanted to say, but every word got stuck in your throat. You didn't know why you were being so silly about this. In every movie ever the hero would find their companions again. _This wasn't goodbye._

You had somehow managed to unholster ~~your~~ the lightsaber as you watched Chewie disappear in the distance. It felt heavy in your hand, almost like an unbelievably big rock. It wasn't yours. It didn't belong to you. But you needed it. And at the moment it seemed to need you as well. Why else would it call to you from the deep dark of a basement? It could have just stayed there, hidden, yet it didn't. It called to you, tossing you into this dark abyss that was the mystery of trying to find a fighting stance. _Left foot forward? Right foot? How were you supposed to hold the saber? Wait, safety. Take the safety off._  
"Resistance," someone addressed, and you immediately recognized the voice. It sent shivers down your spine, and not in the good way. You wanted to turn around slowly like they did in movies, but instead you whipped around. Surprise hit you like a bulldozer when you didn't find him. That's when all thoughts about staying and fighting went out the window and you just began sprinting. It was halfheartedly as you clutched your side and limped forward. Panic flooded your mind. What you had to do was simple. 

_Run._

He was going to catch up with you. 

_Run faster._

Screw the branches, the snow and the pain. You just had to run.   
You needed a moment to breathe. You begged for him to give it to you. Footsteps echoed in the snow behind you, and even though he was the one who actually got shot, he was faster than you. 

_He was right there._ You knew what would happen if he caught you. 

_Run faster._ Never stop. _Survive._

You went against your instincts. You stopped. Looking behind you, you saw just a red light reflecting in the snow, and you clutched the lightsaber tighter to your chest. How bad you wanted it to just fight for you. That you just let go of it and it defeated Kylo on its own while you hid behind trees. 

_Trees. Hiding place._ You stopped thinking. With a new energy in your step you located the densest part of the forest and headed towards it. 

_Why were you hiding from him?_ You knew he could sense you either way. Could you divert your energy? Focus it somewhere different and trick him? Probably not. Then pain. You gasped for air as your rib ached and throbbed beneath your hands, and deep within the forest you heard an echo. Of course, his pain was equal to yours. 

Carefully you placed yourself between two trees, and then slid down into seated. The snow was barely a cover, but you stayed motionless anyway. It was cold. Your feet had turned into icicles beneath you, and you tried to focus some of the energy you had left on warming them up. No need to lose your feet if it was preventable.   
"You've been waiting for this moment for as long as I have. There is no need to hide anymore," he said, closer to you now. There was something soothing about his voice, as if he was going to give you a hug and tell you 'it's going to be ok,'. 

You knew better.

How he had found you, you weren't quite sure. Whether it was because of the force-bond, the common pain or that you had revealed your location. All you could do was to hold your hands in front of your mouth as to not make a sound. Your spine shook against the tree trunk, making the dead leaves rustle. You wanted to shush at them. It was useless of course. He could feel you. And he would claim you.   
"You can't hide from me," his voice rung through the forest. It was terrifying, really. You wanted to answer him. Wanted to bite back. Instead, you let out a shaky breath and begged to every entity you could that this wouldn't be the end of you. Silently, you clutched the lightsaber closer to your chest. He spoke once more.   
"We are destined for each other,". Your heart skipped at that, and before you knew it another jolt of pain made you gasp for air. That was when you knew it was too late. 

_Well. Might as well beat him to it._

How you managed to get back on your feet so swiftly was a mystery to you, and this time when you swung around, you stood face to face with Kylo Ren.

No hiding from then on out. You weren't going to wake up from a dream or blink without him being there when you opened your eyes again. This was happening, and you weren't quite sure if you were ready to deal with the consequences of that fact. His face looked older. Like a million years had hit him all at once. His hair was untamed and reminded you of a predator ready to pounce.   
"I will ask one last time," he began, but then his eyes darted to the lightsaber in your hands. You took advantage of the moment and looked at the wound at his side. _Liver. He was going to bleed out rapidly._  
"Where did you get _that?_ " he asked with a newfound curiosity in his voice.   
"Up your ass," you replied, a little shocked as the comment rolled off your tongue. 

_Oh, you were in for it._

"That lightsaber doesn't belong to you," he continued, confusion finding its place in his eyes. You had expected rage.   
"It doesn't. But I'm like a porg with no purpose without it, so it's doing me a favor," _W_ _here were these answers coming from? Did you in fact have death wish?_  
"Give it to me," he said and this time he reached his arm out. The lightsaber vibrated slightly in your hand, but you held it tighter. _Safety? Off._ With one last check to see if your fingers covered any of the ventils, you pushed the button. Your eyes widened when the lightsaber lit up in a light shade of blue and it sizzled in your grip. 

_Confidence._

You grounded your feet and held the deadly weapon in front of you. 

"Come get it," 

You were not prepared for how heavy the weight would be when Kylo's red lightsaber connected with yours. Colors and light sparked, and you gasped as you had to lean back just to not get hit by your own weapon.   
Gathering your strength, you managed to push him back. You were barely able to block another hit, before he swung the lightsaber again. _You didn't stand a chance._ Still you parried hit after hit, losing your balance occasionally, but keeping up with his hits.   
There was no doubt he was weakened by the blood loss already, as his attacks got sloppier and less focused. Together you formed a dance. As he moved forward, you moved back, but as he attacked, you parried. Your back was bent slightly backwards in an uncomfortable position, while he hovered over you, trying his best to entrap you into his snare. Still, you were getting tired too, and there was no doubt he would last longer than you did. Even with a possibly mortal wound at his side and heavy blood loss, he was trained for just that. You had never activated a lightsaber in your life. That was when you saw one dirty trick that you could use. While he was focused on throwing another hit, you managed to land a kick to his side. 

It came at a cost. 

While your foot hit its mark against his wound, his lightsaber grazed your shoulder, leaving a red, burning mark in its wake. 

_And Maker, did it hurt._

You thought getting shot was bad. Getting hit by a lightsaber was much, much worse. You stumbled away from each other, both heaving for your breath as you focused on your own wounds. For a moment you thought you would get sick as the sound of burning flesh was imprinted in your mind, but in the next you figured you might pass out before that. How anyone was able to do anything with that amount of pain was beyond you. You tried to look at Kylo, but failed as lifting your head became too heavy. 

"I know you," Kylo began, obviously stalling for time. "This - This is not enough for you. Your potential should be lit, so it can explode into a controlled fire. I will help you. Whether you want it or not," he said, and you cursed him under your breath. 

_Why couldn't he refrain from talking about fire when your shoulder had just turned into the warmest hotdog in town?_

"Please, just let me go," you cried, reaching for old tricks.   
" _You_ came to _me_ this time. You can't hide behind your excuse of not wanting to get involved anymore," he said, almost amused as he did. 

You hadn't expected him to land another hit. 

Still, you parried once again. Then the earth split open right beneath your feet. Quite literally. There was no time to move, nothing you could do as your heart stopped and you expected to fall into it.   
_Being swallowed by a planet wasn't a bad way to go_. A hand wrapped itself around your arm and pulled you forwards. It was harsh, and you landed with your front into a pile of snow. The cold against your shoulder felt almost welcoming. 

Quickly you turned around onto your back, just to be met with a red, burning heat beneath your chin. 

Desperately you tried to reach for your lightsaber, but you couldn't find it. The sizzling red moved closer to your neck.   
"Don't you dare," Kylo said, as he straightened out his back and hovered over you. Behind him you saw that the crack in the planet grew. 

_They had done it. The Resistance must have blown up the big gun. Was Poe alive?_

Hesitantly, you raised yourself up to seated, all while watching the blade. Wouldn't want to get even closer to your vital points. Then, as fate would have it, another huge earthquake threw Kylo off his balance. Luckily it wasn't towards you. Swiftly you got back to standing. _How do you call for a lightsaber? 'Here, lighty, lighty, lighty. Who's a good saber? You're a good saber,'?_ No matter how you were supposed to do it, something happened in the snow a few meters away from you. Then, as the hilt came into view, your hope rose by a billion. It got ripped away from you the second the lightsaber came at you with an immense force, throwing you off balance as you ducked to not get hit by it.   
_Where did it go?_ Your gaze tried to see where it landed, but it wasn't in the snow. It seemed impossible to breathe as you watched it finding it's home in the hand of Kylo.   
"Well, now it just doesn't seem like a fair fight," he said, a victorious smile on his lips. 

_Run._

Your legs tried to carry you like heroes, but you stumbled clumsily through the forest.   
All you had to was reach the Millennium Falcon. Maybe they hadn't left you yet. But your feet were tired, and your hope was low, and before you got very far his steps had caught up with yours.   
There must come a time where he got tired of playing prey vs predator, but it didn't seem like today was your luck. 

That was when you saw hope in the form of an object. 

Through glazed eyes you managed to spot the characteristic ship, and you bolted for it. Keep in mind, your definition of bolting at the time was more like a pitiful limp, but in you did really push your own limits. They had already started the engine, but you weren't very far away. 

And you might have reached it in time, had it not been for the arm that grabbed around your waist, pulling you back. Your breath left your body in a pitiful whimper as your back connected to his chest, and just as you tried to scream his hand slid around your throat. 

_Fuck._

Hope left your body like water on a canvas, and you felt your knees weaken. His grip wasn't tight, just a reminder that you were trapped. You wanted to take a moment to appreciate the fact that the lightsabers were put away, but you couldn't. All you did was breathing out a hurtful cry as you watched the Millennium Falcon boost up its engine. 

_You didn't make it._

_They were leaving you._

_Chewie was leaving you._

Kylo's hot breath tickled your ear as he leaned forward, lifting his grip so his hand held your jaw instead of your throat.   
"There goes your friends. Not even taking a second to look back," he said, and a muffled sob escaped your lips. 

_This was it._

With horror in your eyes you watched the ship rev its engine, before it took off. Behind it, a few x-wings followed suit. You searched for Poe's characteristic black ship, begging for it to be among them. Eventually you found it, and left a small sting in its wake. Then they proceeded to lightspeed. _He hadn't seen you either_. Then they were out of sight. All that remained were rustling leaves.

You felt empty.

Out of place. 

Alone. 

The only thing that reminded you that you did in fact have company was Kylo's unforgiving grip around your jaw. Still, it felt hollow compared to the ache that had found home in your chest.   
"They're gone," Kylo said with a soft voice. His breath was caressing your ear like a loved one. His words were saying something very different, though.  
"There is no place left for you in this universe. You're alone. Join me," he finished, and suddenly an overwhelming sleepiness grabbed you and threatened to pull you under. 

_He was putting you out._

As your vision darkened and all sounds seemed to dim, there was just one thought that occupied your mind. 

_You were in fact, truly, alone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whaaaat, how did this story manage to get so many incredibly nice comments and kudos? I'm astonished! And unbelievably thankful. I appreciate each and every one of you, and your feedback keeps me extremely motivated and I'm just beyond words. Thank you so incredibly much. 
> 
> This chapter marks the turning point for soooo many things. Both in reader's motivations and perceptions of life (and maybe Kylo's?), as well as we're officially done with the course of the first movie. From here on out it probably won't follow the original sequels at all, but hopefully I'll remember to put a few Easter eggs here and there. Also! We are at a whole new area, as the story has gotten a little more serious as well, with swearing increasing and funny shenanigans are all but missing from this chapter, and it will have its ups and downs from here on out. I'm not done with joking around, though! I'll continue to try to make this story as amusing as possible, so don't leave me just yet! 
> 
> On another note! I might change the title of this story as I really never was quite fond of it. So, don't be scared if it suddenly looks alooot different. Then again, maybe you read this after I've already changed it and you're just incredibly confused. Oh my dog, I'm writing waaay to much in this author's note. Done soon! I promise!   
> Also, I am not perfect in my medical knowledge, and most I have just winged so if you find any very obvious mistakes, please let me know and please be kind with me. 
> 
> Anyway, thanks again for every single one of you. I truly, truly, deeply, do appreciate it. Ok, done now. Stay safe!


	22. Frontier-Schmontier

Poe Dameron worried about a lot of things in life. He worried about how his hair looked when he exited his x-wing after a long day's work, and what he would have for dinner. There were worries about whether it would be a tasty meal, and he worried about the time when BB-8 wouldn't make it back from a mission.

He never worried about whether or not you would come back.

You were always the first one to get the work done and first one to get home. That's why his expression turned from a smile to a frown the second you didn't step out of the Millennium Falcon. He waited patiently. First there was a girl he had never seen before and then there was Finn. Poe even managed to tear his gaze away from a very beaten Han Solo in the arms of Chewbacca, just to make sure you were getting out. 

But you didn't. 

Patience was never his strong suit, so he decided not to wait for you any longer than that. Instead he moved past the hoard of people who was worried about something else and boarded the Falcon. He called your name. First once. Then two and three more times, increasing in volume as he did. The only answer he got was the hollow echo of his own voice. After that - just silence. And it was deafening. 

He looked around the base for you for a while. Maybe you had just taken another ship, or perhaps you got out of the ship too quick for him this time. Most people stopped him on the way, giving him a high-five and a pat on the back for mission-well-done. It was true. He had been great. Even though only a handful of pilots returned, they had managed to wreck the Starkiller. He had personally made sure of that. 

None of that mattered if you didn't come home, though. 

"The First Order, they know where we are-" Snap Wexley began to say when he ran into a wandering Poe Dameron. At first glance it had looked as if he was just walking mindlessly through the crowds. Then, when Snap got closer, he stopped himself mid-sentence. It was clear that Poe wasn't just walking. He was searching.   
"Miss someone there, Dameron?" Snap asked, a hint of mockery in his voice. He, of course, didn't know any better.  
"Have you seen her?"   
"Are we playing the pronoun game now? Who's she? I mean-" Snap caught the distressed look on Poe's face. "Oh. Her. Isn't she with Solo? Heavy surgery going on right now, but I'm sure she'll be out and about in a few hours," 

Of course, you had gone into surgery. That was one of the things Poe liked about you. No matter how bad the mission went, he could always find you with your hands deep down in someone's guts the moment you came home. That's just what you did. You never grew tired from a mission, and you never hesitated when you could save a life. It didn't matter that you were more of a fleer than a fighter, because when it all boiled down, you were just incredibly good at your job.

The doctor is never the one who should be on the front-lines, just because they were so important when it all battle was over. 

Poe's legs shook while he waited. He just knew you had to be there, but it had gone on for hours. All he needed was just a glimpse. A tiny confirmation that you had in fact made it home. His breathing was unsteady, and his heart beat rapidly. Occasionally his hand ran through his hair, and his curls grew more and more untamed. He didn't care though.   
"We did it," someone said, and Poe barely registered the body that sat itself next to him.   
"Yeah," he answered. He tried to sound happy about it. He really did. It just wasn't possible.   
"How are you holding up?"   
"Fine,"   
"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be celebrating with the others? I mean, for being members of the Resistance, you sure do know how to party. Almost wouldn't believe that we're leaving in a couple of days," Poe found himself just nodding along, completely blanking out and not really listening. The person continued.   
"I think Solo is going to be ok, you know. Chewbacca knew just what to do when we brought him on ship, so he was quickly stabilized-" 

That caught Poe's attention. 

"What do you mean 'Chewbacca knew'?" He asked, his eyes darting up from the floor and onto Finn.   
"Well, it was just lucky, I guess. I wouldn't have known that it was neoplasm which could grow back organs-"   
"Why did Chewbacca have to be the one who knew?" Poe asked, a little more specific this time.   
"Because-" Finn began, looking Poe up and down for a second. "Because we lost our doctor." 

Poe Dameron's world came crashing down in exactly 0.7 seconds. 

He couldn't breathe. 

"Did you know her well?" Finn asked. When he didn't get an answer, a crease formed in his brow. Finn didn't know you very well. In fact, all he knew was that you were a field-medic. No, wait, he also knew that you had a connection to the force. He had seen it with his own eyes when you lifted Han Solo off the ground after he was stabbed. At first it was hard to comprehend, but then Rey had nudged him and said, 'I didn't know she was a Jedi,', which then made him squeal like a school-kid.   
"What happened?" Poe didn't _sound_ like he cared. In fact, Finn had to check twice to know that Poe wasn't just asking what was for dinner.   
"Kylo Ren got her. I think," Finn said, the crease in his brow deepening. 

Poe didn't know words could hit him like a ship going light-speed. 

"Can you please elaborate?" He needed the world to understand. Just wait, so that he could start breathing again. He needed something to ground him, so that he wasn't just hovering between statements.   
"I don't know how much I can tell you," Finn began, taking a deep breath. "She was with us when we first landed. Uhm. We parted ways while Solo and I were lowering the shields, because she could find Rey. Which she did. Then _they_ parted ways. She must have found Solo again, because next thing I know she's almost on a bridge with him and Kylo Ren. Then Solo gets stabbed by his son, which is really fucked up. After that she used some fancy mojo to get Solo away from Ren. That was the last time I saw her," Finn cleared his throat. "A fight broke out and we barely had time to get out of there. From what Rey told me that Chewbacca told her, it seemed as if she was hurt. That she couldn't keep up when they were running from Ren, and that she asked Chewie to go on without her," 

Poe laughed.

It was the relieved kind, which made Finn also loosen up a bit. Not because he understood what was so funny, but because it was nice that it no longer felt as if he was telling his friend about a death-sentence.   
"Oh, then it wasn't her," Poe said, gratitude filling his features. Finn frowned once more.   
"It was,"   
"No. She wouldn't let you leave without her. She would never do that. Don't get me wrong, she's just not the self-sacrificing type,"   
"Poe,"   
"You're wrong. It can't have been her,"   
"Poe,"   
"There's just no way. Which means she's probably around here somewhere. I just haven't see-"   
"Poe," 

Poe wanted to snap at him. Wanted to ask him to leave him alone, just so that he could continue the feeling of gratitude. Reality was a harsh place, though. It hit him quick, hard, and unforgiving.   
"She kept Kylo Ren away from us. I don't know. Maybe she survived. All I know is that we waited for her as long as we could," Finn said, wanting to look Poe in the eyes while saying it, at the same time as he wanted nothing more than to flee from the scene. No. He had to be there for his friend.   
"If she died, she died like a hero," 

That made Poe see red. He didn't show it though, just nodded once and focused on the ground. 'Die like a hero' was supposed to sound like the best way to go. It was noble, and righteous and kind. It was supposed to feel right. Like the sacrifice meant something.

He had held a thousand speeches about other people’s death. The words had come to him like a flood. Overwhelming him to the point where he couldn't just let someone's passing go unnoticed. He used those words to create inspiration for others. Dying like a hero wasn't just romanticized, it was a necessary sacrifice. 

Now, there were no words.

Just silence. 

A numb, tone-deaf silence. And it taunted him. Where was the speech? The flowers he would put on your grave as he moved on to the next mission? Why would he never forgive himself if he accepted that you died like a hero? 

Because you didn't. You were no hero, he knew that. At least not in the traditional sense. He loved that about you. He loved the fact that he didn't have to worry about you doing anything stupid, just to look brave. Still, the way you carried your empathy and downright devotion to save lives made you more heroic than him, at least in his opinion. 

To say that you died like a hero was an insult. Your death was completely avoidable, and it should have been prevented. It was a waste. If you were dead, it would be the most meaningless death Poe had ever experienced. 

"She had a name you know," Poe said, a soft smile tugging at the corner of his lips.  
Finn sighed, looking away from his friend. It felt impossible to look him in the eye.   
"I never learnt it," said Finn. 


	23. May the Force

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes! I did it! Everything has changed! The title is new and the description is new. The story, however, remains the same.
> 
> Before you go deep down into the next part though, I have to address the fact that I got an overwhelming amount of response and support from you guys on the last chapter in a very short amount of time. It really did a number on me to see how much you guys liked (disliked?) it, and I was, to be quite frank with you, hella' moved. Like seriously. I don't think I've ever been so happy about getting comments that said that I wrecked someone completely. Thank you.
> 
> Also! Happy Star Wars day, ya'll! May the fourth be with you!

When you were a child you used to love to play in the snow. And now, when you lay motionless in the cold, it was one day in particular that kept going on rewind. There had been one very early morning where you had woken up with a sharp and sudden frost sharing your bed. Your toes had been all but frozen solid, and you had curled them under your body and tried to heat them up. It had been futile, as it had only spread the chill to your core. It had felt as if you were going to become a popsicle.

At the time, you had been content with that. 

Because, when you were that age, nothing felt unsafe. Even though your eyelashes had frozen solid and you were unable to open your eyes, you just trusted blindly that it would be fine.   
And it had been fine. There had just been a matter of minutes before your mom entered your bedroom and lay herself beside you. Her skin felt heavenly, and you had curled your toes under her instead. She hadn't said anything. Just pulled you closer and drawn lazy circles on your arms until you fell asleep again. 

Then, when you had woken up for a second time that day you had experienced the magic that was a snow day. The frost had kissed your windows and left doodles that kept you mesmerized while you ate your heated breakfast. With the warm food in your belly you had insisted on going outside. Your parents had dressed you up until you were barely able to move, then given you a gentle push at the front door. 

The hours had gone by like seconds. Snowballs had been thrown, castles had been built and you had gone to bed with brand new memories of eternal fun. 

The snow did nothing good for you now. 

It was sharp and massive and suffocating. 

And all you could do was lay there. No one would come and warm you this time, just you, yourself and your own company. _Was that ok? No, it was certainly not ok._

Kylo lay just a few feet away from you. He didn't move. _You should run while you had the chance._ Yet you watched as red soaked the pure snow, and you wondered if it was still warm. You had been right about the wound then. Potentially mortal if he let himself bleed out. _You should help him._

Carefully, as if you were afraid you'd wake him, you crawled. The snow felt like daggers against your skin. Your shoulder was stinging terribly as the wound that the lightsaber had left in it's wake were affected by your movements. Still you pressed forward, putting one elbow in front of the other until you lay next to him. You turned him over so he was laying on his back. At first you looked at the wound, but moved your gaze quickly. A shudder went through your body when your eyes met his. He was looking right at you. There was so much hurt in his eyes. The dazzling brown carried the tinge of yellow, and you were mesmerized by how it seemed he held stars in his irises. _It must have been the snow reflecting light._  
"What are you doing?" you jumped a little when Kylo brought you out of your trance and back to the cold. With a slight huff you looked back at the wound. It had soaked most of the fabric around it, but you could work on what you had. You sat up and carefully removed some of the cloth with gentle fingers.   
"Probably something stupid," you said, and felt him tense beneath you. "I'm not going to hurt you, Kylo," you said and were a little surprised by the softness of your voice. Kylo didn't answer, but he relaxed once again. With a deep breath you removed your jacket. The air got ripped from your throat snakingly as the cold stung like fire.   
"I repeat," he said, arching a single brow.   
"Saving your life," you murmured. He furrowed both of his brows further.   
"Why?"   
"You're of no use to me if your dead," you said as you ripped the lining in the red jacket. As it tore, a part of you did as well. That jacket had belonged to you for ages.   
" _I'm_ of no use to _you?"_ he said, confusion written all over his features.   
"Let's face it. I don't think I would last five minutes out here without you," you pushed the fabric onto his wound, and watched as the red became crimson beneath your fingertips. You winced as the pain at your side became worse, but Kylo didn't even flinch. Just watched you. Then you tore your jacket further. You motioned for him to sit up, which he obliged. It looked difficult for him, as if his energy already was drained. A little more careful this time, you wrapped a strip of fabric around his torso to keep pressure on the wound.   
"Can you stand?" you asked as you sat back on your heels. Again, he didn't say anything, but slowly, with your help, got back on his feet. He swayed a little, and you were quick to put his arm over your shoulders for support. Now, don't be wrong, Kylo _looked_ like a big guy, but you were still surprised about the massive amount of weight that you suddenly helped carry.   
"What do you eat? Metal?" you joked, and flinched a little as your rib hurt once again.   
"Rocks, actually." _Was he joking?_ You had to look up at him, but sure, right there, his lip crooked upwards.   
"Funny guy," you said as you began walking in the direction he was leading. He tried his best not to lean any weight on you, you could tell, but he had used a lot of energy he probably didn't have fighting you. _Look at that. From fighters to conjoined twins in a second._  
"Why aren't you running?" he asked once again.   
"You really want to run right now? Because you're very heavy and it would probably not be good for you at your physical state." A sting of guilt shot you like an arrow when you noticed that he tried to lift even more weight off your shoulders.   
"You know what I mean," you did. You just didn't know what to answer.   
"Where would I go? It's not like there's a ship available for the taking around the corner. And, in addition, this place is going to blow in a matter of time. You're my best ticket out of here," you said, feeling a sting of uncertainty caress your bones. _Was it smart to give him an idea about you staying?_

Kylo didn't reply. Just continued walking over branches and rocks, trying his best to navigate you in the right direction. 

"You're hurt," Kylo remarked after a while. It must have been a flinch that gave you away.   
"Well," _how do you explain it?_ "No," you said.   
"It seems like you are,"   
"I'm not. Other than the fact that you almost chopped my arm off, I might have a little sore throat, but I blame your force-choke on that," you began, and noticed how he looked at you from the corner of your eye. For a second it seemed like he was going to say something, but it quickly faded as his gaze landed on the path ahead of you instead.  
"And I think my pride is pretty brutally beaten," you tried.   
"You fought well,"   
"Liar," you breathed. He didn't reply. You were amused by that, even though the situation wasn't quite so funny. Actually, the whole ordeal seemed out of place. You talked as if you weren't taken prisoner, as if Kylo didn't have a potentially mortal wound at his side, but rather like two buddies catching up.   
"What's going to happen to me?" _Time to break out of that mindset._ The look on both of your faces grew dim.   
"You certain you want to know?" _No.  
"_Will I die?"   
"No." A breath of relief washed through your system.   
"Something worse?"   
"Depends,"  
"Depends on what?"   
"Whether or not you cooperate, » he said. He grunted as the pain worsened, and you felt it too. Like someone was dipping their finger into the bloodiest part of the flesh. A tiny laughter left your lips once the pain surpassed.   
"Will I have a choice in the matter?"   
"Of course, you will," Kylo said, a surprised tone in his voice. Like he couldn't believe you would say that. You eyed him, slightly arching a brow as you did.   
"Like I had a choice at escaping with my _precious friends_?" you mocked, quoting him.   
"That was different,"   
"How?" you challenged.   
"Because you would never even try to see my side of things if you had. You'd just blindly walk in the dark with beliefs that weren't really your own,"   
"They are. I wouldn't have joined the Resistance if they weren't," you said, slightly insulted by the fact that he dared challenge your stance.   
"Your parents were Rebels. It is in your blood. You grew up with it," Kylo said as he continued to limp forward. You would have stopped if it weren't for the fact that he dragged you along with his massive bodyweight.   
"So were yours," you argued. He didn't reply to that. Just bit the inside of his cheek and kept his eyes off you. _Did he remember?_  
"Do you rem-"   
"Remember what?" he asked, as if he had already heard the question before you asked it. You let it pass.   
"Me," you mumbled. He looked at you again, eyeing you for a second.   
"Which particular time are you referring to? I have lots of memories with you by now," he smirked. _Maker dammit, he knew those words would get to you._  
"Fine, be like that," you said, not really giving up. "Like, you know. You were a kid once. What do you remember from that?" This time he actually looked at you a little questionably. It was interrupted when you tripped over a small, invisible branch. It tore the skin on your bare foot as you stumbled forward, and you almost lost your footing completely when the pain at your side increased incredibly in volume.   
"Sorry," you breathed as you tried to stabilize yourself once again, noticing that Kylo leaned over your shoulder a little heavier than before. It had clearly taken a toll on him as well. He breathed through gritted teeth as he straightened.   
"Never mind, it wasn't that bad," he tried, but you knew better. _Liar._  
"Whatever you say, tough guy," you mumbled under your breath. There was a sting. Silently you looked down at your feet. The sight that met you made your stomach twist in all horrible directions. Your feet were turning a nasty shade of blue, and in contrast to that was a gushing red covering the top of your foot. _That's going to leave a mark._

Kylo fell.

You had been too occupied to notice that he had drifted out of focus, and suddenly he had lost his footing completely and dragged you down with him. You lost all control and fell face first into the snow once again. It hurt. Not just the stinging cold or pain at your side. No. Your whole body began aching in a way you never had experienced before. 

"Hey," you said as you tried to wiggle your way out from underneath his arm. Silence. Your heartbeat began picking up speed. For the second time that day you turned Kylo onto his back. Your eyes shot to his, but they were closed.   
"Come on, don't do this to me," you begged as you looked down at the remains of your jacket. It was completely soaked. You looked around, trying to find anything that might help him. A shudder went through you when you saw the blood trail he had left. Truth be told, he needed a medic. _What were you thinking? **You** were a medic. _Kylo needed to get his wound closed, and at the moment, you didn't have the tools or focus to do that kind of job. Still. You were trained for this. Yet all you could remember to do was to apply pressure. _Wow. Gold star surgeon right there._ Frantically you pressed your hands against the wound, leaving as much pressure as you could. Unfortunately, that affected you as well. You leaned over his torso, as you tried to muffle a scream. 

"Hands up where we can see them,"

Savior came in the shape of stormtroopers. 

"I need to apply pressure," you cried out to them. The signature sound of blasters charging reached your ears.   
"I repeat, hands up," the troopers said, and you looked up at them. They weren't just in front of you. You were surrounded. You bit the inside of your cheek as you let off the pressure. _He would bleed out._ Slowly, you lifted your arms. It took only a second before a pair of metal cuffs closed around your wrists and you were dragged to your feet.   
"If you want to save him, stop wasting time on me and get him into surgery. He's lost a lot of blood, and he might need to regrow or replant some organs,"   
"Oh, I thought we might waste our time out here and have a cup of tea," bit a stormtrooper, obviously not very happy with your commands. "Get her out of here." You noticed the red cap on his armor. With a harsh grip around your upper arms, two stormtrooper began dragging you away. 

You kept looking at Kylo until he was out of sight. 


	24. EleVader - an Uplifting Experience

Your feet left a bloody trail behind you as you limped with the stormtroopers arms linked in yours. The metal from the cuffs gnawed into your skin, leaving red, irritated marks as they did. Your heart was beating out of your chest and yet you struggled to keep your eyes open. Everything was hell.

And you were hurting terribly.

All that went away when you saw the huge ship they dragged you towards. It looked like a beast, threatening to swallow you whole. The breath got stuck in your throat, leaving a lingering feeling of getting chocked. How were you ever going to escape? Or even worse, survive? Your legs got heavier and almost impossible to move once you entered the hangar. 

The hairs at the back of your neck stood on end and your bones trembled as your eyes tried to find the top of the room which seemed to never end. There were several TIE-fighters still landing, while others already were connected back to their designated place. It felt incredibly chaotic, and still very organized as troops marched in formation, some carrying weapons, others their fallen comrades. The overwhelming amount of people around you made you shiver, stress pumping through your body as the realization of what you were up against hit you like a tornado.

There were so many left. 

How was the Resistance ever going to fight against the First Order when this attack hadn’t even been a fly on their windshield? The only evidence that there had ever even been sign of a struggle were the empty spaces where TIE fighters didn’t get back to dock. ~~And perhaps the dead troopers getting carried by very much alive troopers.~~

You were dragged across the infinite room before you could even begin to locate the nearest way out. From then you were pushed inside an elevator, and the troopers followed suit. One of them pushed a button.   
“What do we do with her?” She asked, and you looked up at them in wonder. How were they so tall? The elevator door closed with a ding, and there was a rumbling beneath your feet.   
“Seems like you already decided on third floor, so why do you ask?” said the other trooper. You just pressed your lips together and tried to focus on the noises outside of the big metal box.   
“No need to get snarky, I just asked for your opinion,”   
“Why do you bother when you’ve already, very obviously, made up your mind? The cell would be much more logical. But what do I know?» _Oh, you. Cell didn’t seem nice._ And this was turning into a full-blown drama before you reached the third floor.   
«Look, it’s been a rough day. You’re a little fired up, I’m a little fired up. I thought the medical wing was an obvious choice, but I wanted to make sure you agreed with me. This ain’t a one man’s job, you know,” said the first stormtrooper, and you had to turn your mouth downwards just so it didn’t look like you smiled too much.   
«Well. She does look a little banged up. If we get her to the medical wing they might be able to save her feet,” _excuse-you-what-now?_  
“Yeah, them feet blue, dude,” she replied, and you furrowed your brows and looked down. Such a bad choice to throw both of your shoes away. Even so, you could still feel them - every step felt like walking on glass. Your feet would be fine, no doubt, it would just hurt and take a while. Still you didn’t complain. Medical wing was better than prison after all. 

Medical wing was way worse than a cell. Not because of the warm, comfy bed, or the excellent food you were given. No, medical wing sucked because all they had were droids. Not a single nurse, doctor or surgeon. Just several meddroids, mostly 2-1B units. That was the most frightening thing you had seen all day. How could the First Order rely on solely technology when it came to saving lives? Moral decisions were thrown out the window, sure, and even though they made nice, clean cuts, what they exceeded in perfection, they lacked in individuality. A droid understood the concept of difference between patients, but they were seldom able to treat the individuals differently. Usually they did the “Don’t worry, you’re under the care of the best capable droids there are,” routine, but that didn’t matter if the patient was having a panic attack about broken legs that had to be replaced by mechanization. Droids didn’t have the capability to tell parents that their child didn’t make it.   
Everyone needed a good doctor.   
Although, you couldn’t complain. They had healed the back of your foot in an instance and checked you for any other wounds in seconds. They had scoffed at the wound on your shoulder, but they tried to fix it neatly, leaving a bandage. Other than that all they could say was that you had a mild frostbite and suffered from dehydration, nothing that couldn’t be solved by warmth and liquid.   
“What’s your name?” someone asked and snapped you out of your thoughts. You looked up at the lady in front of you, and had to swallow your own words as her gaze lingered on you a little longer than expected. _Wait. So, they did have doctors?  
”_Never mind, I don’t need it anyway. I’ll just write ‘Resistance Scum’, is that alright with you?» she didn’t look like a doctor. Didn’t act like one either. You arched a brow and looked right back at her. _No. Resistance scum is not ok.  
“_Just ‘scum’ is too general, and ‘idiot’ could be anyone here. Fine, just ‘Resistance’ then. Doesn’t really matter to me,” _Eh, you could live with that.  
“_Anyway, I’m Jance. That’s my name. Don’t misuse or abuse it,” she said, barely tipping her nose over the block of papers she was holding. In fact, even though her eyes were drilling through your soul, she seemed less than uninterested in you.   
"Gotten her midichlorian yet?" she asked a poor surgicalbot that passed by. It shook its head quickly.   
“Then get to it. This is KJ-4,” she said and lazily pointed to a small creature at her feet. You didn’t recognize the type of droid immediately, so you tilted your head slightly. She continued.   
“He’s a training droid, one of a kind. Don’t abuse him or you’ll have me cutting through your neck in an instant,” she warned, her gaze shifting between you and the droid. You didn’t notice however, because your eyes were glued to the small robot, whose legs were long and bent, while his head reminded you of one big snout. No arms, no torso, just two legs with three claws on each foot, and a head. Didn’t really look intimidating. In fact, he reminded you of a softer version of the BD-units. His eyes seemed to analyze and follow you as well. You had so incredibly many questions.   
_Who is she?  
Why is she telling you her name?_  
 _How is this droid relevant to anything?  
Why does it feel like you’re not a prisoner, but rather introduced to new colleagues? _  
_Is this real life?_  
 _Is this just fantasy?_  
Instead, all you could ask was -  
“ _He’_ s a training droid?” you asked, a slight laugh tugging at your lips.   
“Oh, he’ll kick your ass. Don’t worry about it,” Jance said, not a single amused tone could be found in her voice.   
“Anywho, he’ll accompany you from here on out, and any questions you have you’ll redirect to him. I’ll be across the hall from your quarters if you need anything, which you won’t. Master Ren will request your presence when he’s feeling up for it. Other than that, just sit, smile and don’t talk to anyone or anything.” Another million questions razed through your head. There was so incredibly much information in a very short time, and nothing managed to stick, somehow. Then it all became even emptier as the woman produced a key from her pocket, and released you from your cuffs. 

You bolted. 

Jumped up from the bed and landed on sore feet, and began sprinting through the medic room before anyone even thought to look in your direction. You pushed medbots out of the way and leaped over unhosted beds, all the while your heart was beating through your ears.   
As you reached the door and ran through it, there was a corridor that stretched on each side of you. You chose to go right, and after a small panic attack you found the elevator. Frantically, you pushed the button to summon it. _Where were the stairs? Stairs would be so much better for running away._

The elevator opened with a ding and revealed at least five stormtroopers. You ~~panicked~~ kept your calm completely.   
“This looks full, I’ll just get the other one,” you said, waving at them to go without you.   
“Don’t be silly, we’ll make space,” said one of the troopers, and sure enough they scooted. _Buckle up, Buttercup._  
“Thanks,” you mumbled and entered the overcrowded elevator.   
“Where you headed?” asked the trooper. Your heart stopped. _Prison break, escaping, out and about._  
“Huh?” you replied.   
“Floor?” he asked, and you remembered to breathe again.   
“Oh, uh,” you hesitated, “The Hangar?”   
He looked at you for a second, but then shrugged and pressed a button and the elevator closed. Then you just stood there. _Que the elevator music and clearing of throats._  
“Crazy day, huh? I wasn’t ready for this when I got up this morning, to say the least,” the trooper laughed, turning the best he could towards you without stepping on his comrades’ toes.   
“Yeah, it was crazy,” you awkwardly laughed back at him.   
“Which sector are you from? Haven’t seen you around,” he said. He seemed so kind, with a deep voice and audible smile. Still he managed to make sweat run down your neck and your throat hitch.   
“Uh, you know. 16-7B,» you lied through your teeth.   
“16-7B, eh?”   
“Yes,” you gulped, trying your best to look slightly to his right so that you didn’t make eye-mask contact.   
“Of course, you are from 16. I should have known by the droid clinging to your back,” 

You _almost_ screamed.

You stood completely still as you felt the unfamiliar weight that you should have noticed earlier. Still, you halfheartedly managed to keep a straight face as you looked over your shoulder. Sure enough, KJ-4 had grabbed ahold of your shirt with his claws and clung to you like his life depended on it. He made eye contact with you for a brief second, clearly speaking his mind without having to say a word.   
' _Bitch, where do you think you're going?'_  
Somehow, he looked a little like a very annoying insect. You just wanted to swat him away.   
"Yeah. He's a prototype," you said, looking back at the trooper. That comment earned you a claw sticking further into your back. A heavy breath escaped your nose, but you managed not to flinch.   
"Prototype? What's he doing with machine re-booting? I'm telling you buddy, keep those droids away from Ren. He'll fuck them up," _Oh no, you felt it again. The extreme wave of questions._

The elevator dinged. _That was an incredibly long elevator ride._

"Well, this is your stop, lady. Good luck on whatever you're doing," the trooper said, and you nodded in his direction as you stepped out of the elevator and into the familiar space of the hangar. It was quieter now, as the only troopers that were left were the ones working on the TIE-fighters. That wasn't what caught your attention, though.

The Hangar was closed.

There was no door at the size of a mountain that was open. Which made you worry further. It got interrupted by a series of 'beep-' and 'boops' from your back. You cursed yourself for being able to understand him.   
"I'll check the windows," you mumbled, completely ignoring the droid. You looked around. At first it didn't seem like there was going to be any windows at all, but you spotted long strips of light around several shelves. They would give you cover. Hurriedly you scooted over to one of the window-slits and stood on your tip toes to peak over the edge. 

The ship was flying. 

You were no longer on the Starkiller. Which meant that an easy escape by high jacking a TIE was thrown out the window. It felt unreal for a second, so instead of embracing the feelings that were marching through the front door, you turned around until your back hit the wall and slid down to seated. The droid had managed to move before it got squished, so it placed itself in front of you and stood on your knees. When you looked at him up close you saw the tiny yellow details that outlined most of his metal plates.   
"What?" you asked. A short 'boop' followed.   
"You're my 'companion'? Nah-ah, botty. I'm getting out of here, and you can't follow,"   
Beepety Boop.   
"If you really want to help, get me out of here,"   
Boopety Beep.   
"No, that does not include getting me to my quarters. About that, do you know where they are? And why haven't you triggered any alarms? You shouldn't, you know, but I need to ask." It was true, even though he clung to you like very sticky slime, he hadn't alerted anyone. _Why hadn't he alerted anyone?_  
Beep.   
"Seriously? So, you're completely fine with me moving around on my own?" you asked and kept looking at him in wonder. There was something about the way he made tiny movements for every beep, and the way he clung to your knees without hurting you that made you think he was a little cute for a second. You showed that away in an instant.   
Beeeep.   
You looked around as he warned you, spotting the same troopers he had.   
"Ok, fine, you know this place. What should I do?"   
Blop.   
"What, no? I can't wait it out, I need to get to my friends. And I'm warning you, if you tell on me, I will reduce you to a pile of scraps," you warned, not really letting your threat have any leverage. He got that, as it looked like he snickered for a second before he jumped down from your knees and rounded the corner. _That's him gone._

That was the second time you bolted. 

You got up and began jogging towards the elevator again. If only you knew where you were you could send some kind of message to the Resistance. 

**_"We're safe here."_ **

You stopped in your tracks. _What the literal fuck?_

**_"We'll stay."_ **

_The fuck you will._ You moved. You only got a few steps until the unfamiliar voice rung through your skull once again. 

**_"Trust me."_ **

This time you only slowed down. This wasn't Kylo. This voice was completely unrecognizable to you, but still it felt very familiar. Like it had already found home in your chest. You wanted more information. Ask who he was. Ask why you felt an incredible impulse do to as he said. How could a need to escape vanish so quickly? There was an uncertainty building in your bones, making your mouth dry and your legs heavy. Still you noticed the claws that dug into the back of your shirt as KJ-4 climbed up to sit on your shoulder. For a second he seemed like he wanted to yell at you, but quickly stopped when he saw how pale you had gotten.   
"Ok, buddy. Where are my quarters?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whaaaat! We've reached more than 170 kudos, 30 bookmarks and over 3500 hits! Those numbers are insane! A loooot of people are following this story now, and I truly appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you so much. Your comments light up my life, and I've really appreciated all your kind words while I've been stuck working 12-13 hour shifts these day. Thank you. You're great.


	25. Palpatine's Melting Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I'm now obsessed by TikTok and it lit my burning passion for Kylo Ren like houses during christmas. #Trash #Idk #ItHappenedInLike24Hours #SendHelp

You didn't talk to anyone else other than KJ-4 after the ~~pitiful~~ attempt to escape for several days after that. Not that anyone bothered to talk to you either. You just wandered around the ship, making yourself comfortable with the surroundings. ~~Hahah, who were you kidding?~~ The weirdest part about your days was how well you and KJ-4 got along. He reminded you of a certain droid back home, ~~except the part where he was supposed to be a dangerous training droid~~ , which again reminded you of a certain someone. There was a slight sting in your chest every time you thought about Poe, and you wondered how much they knew. The sting, however, felt welcome. Like it there still was a part of you back at base. Would they try to find you? Occasionally you caught yourself thinking that you wished they wouldn't. _You couldn't possibly cope if getting home meant that Poe wouldn't be there. No. You'd find a way back home yourself._ In the meantime, KJ-4 was a delight to be around. 

"So are your claws like both hands _and_ legs?" you asked and stuffed your mouth full of some type of bread you had gotten at some kind of cafeteria you had discovered while adventuring throughout the huge ship. KJ-4 replied as he ran around you in a circle. ~~Too be that small he was certainly fast~~. Then he jumped up and grabbed your shirt and climbed up to your shoulder before he jumped back to sit on the bench on the opposite side of you.   
"I don't see how that's practical for combat,"   
Beep-beep.   
"Yes, please show me one day." A snicker escaped your lips.   
"So, you're truly going to follow me around all the time, aren't you? I mean, you've really committed the last few days, but don't you get tired?"   
Beeeep.   
"I meant metaphorical, you hamster,"   
Bop.  
"Well, that's sweeter than I expected," you laughed, "You're not that bad, either."   
Boopety-boop.   
"I don't know. What do you want to do today?"   
Beepety.   
"Really?"   
Bop.   
"Ok, then." 

"You were right. I don't regret this," you said as you leaned back and looked up. KJ-4 had recommended this place for a while, but you had ignored it as it didn't seem like something you would have the patience for. Still, the moment your back connected to the harsh metal every muscle in your body relaxed for the first time in days. You had spent quite the effort to get up there, but it was completely worth it as you looked up at the stars. The glass seemed so thin, like if you just stretched far enough you would break it and manage to collect the stars in the palm of your hand. _~~Of course, you wouldn't do that, though. It would probably kill you as you'd just float into the vast infinite that was space~~_. The breath felt heavy in your throat as you put your arms beneath your head for support. KJ-4 sat beside you, enjoying the view just as much as you did. You didn't quite understand how a droid could enjoy beauty, but you loved that he did. Somehow it made him even more human-like.   
"Why am I here, KJ? On this ship that is. I don't understand the purpose of why I'm here when all I've done is wander the halls and explore the ship. Like, where's the trial? Am I not supposed to be a prisoner? So far this feels like a very budgeted and involuntary holiday," you asked, not taking your eyes off the sky. KJ-4 beeped silently, and you were barely able to catch it.   
"I want to go home,"   
Beep?   
"What? Want to join me, buddy?"   
Beep.   
"How can you possibly be happy here?" you breathed. KJ didn't reply. 

Your eyes fluttered open as KJ-4 moved restlessly in his charging-station. The sunroof above you revealed a dark sky kissed by the stars, not revealing time at all. You groaned, sat up and almost hit your head against the glass above you. _Right. Bunkbeds._ Carefully you slid down from the upper bunker, even though you actually didn't have to worry about waking anyone. You were alone in a room at the size of a cottage, with two bunkbeds on each side, leaving a hollow corridor from the front door straight to the bathroom that connected to your quarters. KJ-4 was lucky enough to have a charging-station that hung horizontally on the upper bunker you slept in, and he reminded you of a pet in a purse. 

Your feet hit the metal floor with a soft thud, and you shivered as the cold reached your spine. You stretched lazily, and KJ-4 stirred in his pocket. There was a display hanging over the door out, and luckily for you it was showing the time once in a while.   
"Morning," you yawned and moved over to the bathroom. KJ watched you lazily as you left. 

You emerged from the bathroom after having a ~~scolding~~ shower ~~to forget the fact that you were aboard the Supremacy, partly taken hostage.~~ The clothes you had been given were so soft it could melt Palpatine's freezing heart, and you considered never changing ever again.   
"Oh," was all that managed to escape your lips as you noticed the other person standing in your quarters.   
"Please tell me that you didn't just take a shit," said Jance.   
"No, I was in the shower,"   
"Oh, great. Master Ren asks for your presence," 

You dropped everything you were holding. 

He had been so radio-silent that you almost thought he was dead. The fact that he wasn't still felt kind of shocking. You didn't notice that KJ climbed up your leg until he found home at your shoulder.   
"Great," you said, not really able to carry an expression.   
"Follow me,"   
"Wait, now? Right now?"   
"Why not?" Jance turned in her step, judging you the best she could without having glasses to push down.   
"Now is really not a good time. I have to paint the - uh - bed." Why were you getting so nervous? It felt weird to be ripped out of the routine you and KJ had made over the last few days. Still that wasn't what made your blood run cold and heart beat. No. It shouldn't have been the fact that you were meeting Kylo. You had met him, no stress. Although this time it was on his turf. At that moment you were weed in his garden of flowers and you had no clue what he was going to do.   
"Funny. Now, get going," Jance said, not a smidge of humor in her voice. You pressed your lips together before you slipped into your makeshift shoes and followed her. 

The hallways felt incredibly more threatening when you were walking down them with a purpose. You suddenly noticed how stormtroopers looked at you from the tip of their nose, and you just _knew_ that they were planning to kill you. _~~Jance was probably the only one who actually did.~~_ She kept walking with her sparkling attitude and considerate nature, making sure you never fell _completely_ behind.   
"My grandmother moves faster than you, Resistance. Get going," 

The room she led you to felt infinite. It was dark, tall and full of a whole lot of nothing.   
"Don't break _all_ your bones now, Res. See you later," she said and saluted you lazily as she disappeared behind the door. Then it was all you ~~and KJ~~. The silence made you want to cover your ears, but you walked fascinated further into the room, never breaking your gaze away from the ceiling. You felt incredibly small, but that wasn't anything new.   
"I hope Jance wasn't giving you a hard time," 

_Oh, Maker._ You knew that voice all too well _._

"Hi, bud," you said awkwardly and waved. You hadn't seen him yet, so you might have been waving at nothing. Then he stepped into the light. _Solo's and their frickin' entrances._ Why couldn't he be standing there with a hair towel and paper under his arm? His cape and helmet were removed, so you had a clear shot at his figure that wasn't very well hidden beneath a black shirt and darker pants. _~~Did they match his soul, perhaps?~~_  
"I heard that,"   
"What?" you mumbled as he stopped in the middle of the room, a few meters away from you.   
"How is your stay?"   
"Tiresome,"   
"Really? KJ-4 has told me that you haven't tried an escape for days," Kylo chuckled, and you felt a little weird. Kylo wasn't supposed to _chuckle._ You looked at KJ that sat very innocently at your shoulder.   
"Snitch," you mumbled.   
"Oh, come on. I take you for many thing - Stupid isn't one of them. You know that I wouldn't place a droid in your company just for fun," he said, still carrying a very light tone in his voice. It felt weird. Like he was happy. And of course, you knew. There was a reason you hadn't told KJ that you had mapped out the ship perfectly, remembering every way out and every console. You would be able to control it had you had any ability as a pilot.   
"Why haven't you escaped?" Kylo asked, a little more serious this time.   
"As if you would let me,"   
"I have. You've been completely free, haven't you?" There was such a confidence in his voice, and it annoyed you to your core.   
"Fine, let me rephrase. How the fuck would I get off this ship when I can barely fly an X-wing? Maybe I'd figure out a TIE, but it would take time," you said. You were surprised to say the least when Kylo's gaze softened.   
"I'll show you,"   
"What?" you asked, quite dumbfounded and completely taken aback.   
"I'll show you," he repeated, this time with a slight smile. You exchanged a gaze with KJ, but he didn't look nearly as surprised as you did.   
"Where's the catch?" you asked. Kylo opened his arms, shrugging slightly.   
"Defeat me in combat."   
"I beg your pardon?" You had to clear your throat, so it didn't seem like you chocked on your own saliva.   
"Defeat me. Easy. No lightsabers, just fists. Sure, you can try to use the force, but-"   
"You'll just kick my ass - Again," you said.   
"I promise I won't fight back until you get me on the ground. And- I'll give you time. This offer is not just limited to today. You will have all the time in the universe on your side. My promise will stand until you've accomplished it," Kylo said, his confidence dripping. He knew what he was doing to you, and you dreaded that he was successful. There was an ignite in you, and soon enough hope was flowing through your veins.   
"This is a promise?" you asked, still not quite believing him.   
"Yes,"   
"It seems too easy," you remarked, but quickly swallowed your words as Kylo arched a brow.   
"Really?" he asked, smirking like only he could. It was obvious that he was amused and not annoyed at your comment, but still it made you kind of nervous that he found it so funny.   
"I'm not going to lie to you," Kylo began. _Uh oh._ "I will also ask you very kindly to train with KJ-4 and the knights of Ren from time to time. After all, I do in fact have other things to attend to than you," _Of course there was more to it. He would never let you just go._ Kylo sighed.   
"It's just an offer. If you prefer to just go straight at me every time you may do so, but I must warn that some time will pass between attempts,"   
"How much time?" you asked, not trusting this offer at all.   
"I don't know. Depends on how much else that craves my attention. I will do my best to let you attempt every time you wish,"   
"This seems like such bullshit," _How could you even begin to speak to the dark lord of darkness that way?  
"_There's literally no catch for you. At all. If you lose, you'll just have to get better at fighting and if you win, I'll teach you how to fly a TIE so that you can go back to the Resistance. I will even throw in the offer of teaching you the ways of the force," he said, and he felt so humble when he did. Like he was a friend offering you a helping hand. You wanted to believe him. More than anything. There was a soft beep on your shoulder.   
"No trying to get me to the dark side?"   
"Why would I? You will find the dark side on your own if that's who you're meant to be," he said. His voice was so reassuring, yet it felt like he was holding something back.   
"Why does it feel like I'm selling my soul?" you didn't really ask anyone but yourself, and yet both KJ and Kylo replied.   
"Have I ever given you a reason to doubt me?"   
"Yes, plenty of times," you said.   
"Fine, I lied like... Twice. Maybe. Still, it's just an offer. You're welcome to try to figure a way out of here on your own," Kylo said, moving a little closer to you. You followed his lead and met him in the middle. _He was so incredibly tall when he was standing so close to you._ You reached out your hand.   
"If it's just what you're telling me it is, then I'll gladly take the offer," you said and looked into his eyes, trying your best to find even a speck of doubt or treachery. All you found was sincerity and a slight smile.   
"I promise," he said and reached out his hand. 

You shook it. 

Then you threw the first punch. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah - got you! Two chapters in like almost (not really) 24 hours! Yes! Because you're beautiful and totally deserve it and I love you.


	26. Jazzercise

Kylo saw it coming, of course. He grabbed ahold of your fist before you even came near him, and with one swift move he spun you around and pinned your hand behind your back.   
“I thought you said it seemed too easy,” he breathed into your neck as he let you go and pushed you forward. You stumbled a few steps before you found your balance once again and turned to face him.   
“I thought you said you weren’t going to fight back,” you said, catching your breath quickly again.   
You tried to land another punch. He ducked elegantly out of the way.   
“And I’m not. But I will do my best to defend myself,”   
“You didn’t say that,”   
“Then call off the deal,” he chuckled as you tried to grab for his shirt, or anything really, just so you’d at least touch him. There was no such luck.   
“Well, now that I’ve had a few seconds to digest the deal we just made, getting a chance to beat at you is probably the best thing that has happened since I got here,”  
KJ beeped annoyed as he jumped off your shoulder and you laughed in relief. Yes, it felt like your stress was letting go. Just a smudge. It probably wouldn’t feel good if you actually hit him. But at the moment, when you could just hammer all your extra energy at him, it felt like you could finally let yourself go a little. Kylo sensed it as he moved very swiftly and without struggling out of the way from each of your blows.   
“Let me know when you want to call it quits for the day,”   
“You kidding me? I could do this all day,” 

You lasted about forty minutes. Then you had to just stop completely and lie down on the ground. It felt impossible to catch your breath, so you heaved. Were your muscles supposed to feel so heavy? You swore that even if you tried you wouldn’t be able to get back up ever again.   
“You done?” Kylo asked as he stood there, arms crossed. You cursed the fact that he hadn’t even broken a sweat.   
“What, no. Give me like... a few seconds to gather my inner Jedi and I will beat you to a pulp,” you heaved, your threat being all but intimidating.   
“Sure, you will,” Kylo chuckled.  
“I mean it. I’m as dangerous as fifty untamed rancors. I mean, have you not paid attention? I’m a feral beast,” you breathed, finally catching your breath somewhat.   
“I see that,”   
“Hey,” you pointed an accusing finger in his direction, “you don’t want to disturb the ferocious animal that lives inside me. It will rip you apart like paper,”   
“I hear what you’re trying to say, but somehow the words don’t match the picture,”   
“Oh, you’re asking for it. Just you wait. Any second now the monster will wake from is slumber,” you were still so completely out of breath. How were you even still alive?  
«Mhm,”  
A heartbeat.   
“Want some tips?” Kylo asked, and you let your head fall the side so you could see him better.   
“Do I look like I need tips?” You asked, looking at him for a second. He looked right back at you, very amused.   
“In all honesty?” he smiled. _Oh, Maker, he looked so incredibly good._ His hair was a little ruffled up, mimicking a lion’s mane. It didn’t help that his figure would put shame on any athlete. _And now he dared to smile._  
“Yeah, I need some tips,” you confessed and tried to get to your feet. It didn’t work the first time, or second time, and the third attempt was even more pathetic than the one before it. You never in a thousand years expected Kylo to reach out his hand. So, when he did, you just looked at it. Confusion was written all over your face. 

A moment passed. 

You didn’t take it. The confident look on Kylo’s face faltered for a second. It wasn’t what you wanted, but it didn’t sit wrong with you none the less. You got back on your feet on your own.   
“You don’t get to charm me with your dark side tricks, no sir,” you said as you brushed off your clothes. The tension in the air evaporated completely.   
"It was just a friendly gesture," Kylo tried to explain ~~as~~ kindly ~~as a bad guy possibly could~~ , stepping back to his resting pose.   
"Too bad we're not friendly, though," you smiled halfheartedly, not really feeling it. And again, a new moment popped up like a very annoying ad, and you found yourself looking up, right into his eyes. All you saw was hazel. They felt so incredibly welcome, like a warm home with curtains and tea and blankets.   
"No, I guess we're not," Kylo said and snapped you out of the moment before you could say 'confused'.   
"What you're doing wrong is how you force everything into one punch. You have more than one limb. Use them. If you rely solely on one of your arms, you might as well chop the other off right away," Kylo said, moving on and not at all affected by how you totally just had a moment,   
"Excuse me, you almost already did," you said and pointed to the bandage at your shoulder.  
"And you waste so much energy on that one movement,"he continued, ignoring you completely.   
"I use my legs," you tried, but his eyebrows furrowed and you stopped.   
"How? Like two rocks holding you under water? Because if that's what you're aiming at, you do,"   
"Grounding is important," it totally came out as a mumble.   
"Well, yes, but you're drowning. Here, let me show you," 

He moved closer, and without throwing you off balance, kicked your feet further apart.   
"You want that drive in your heel, but not the way you're doing it. You're supposed to stack your limbs, with your heels as the anchor,"   
"That's what I'm doing," you argued.   
"It really isn't. You're just standing with the posture of a rock," he said, looking a little amused by the fact that you _actually_ thought you weren't doing anything wrong. "Tighten your core,"  
You did as he said.   
"Stand on your toes,"   
"Pardon?"   
"Stand on your toes,"   
"Why?"   
"Just do it,"   
"You don't understand, I have the balance of a one-legged Wookie,"   
"All the better," he said. You sighed as you did as he said, and instantly gravity tried to pull you down. A few ~~very awkward~~ seconds passed. 

"Now lower back on your heels. Slowly," he added, and you furrowed your brows as you did what he said.   
"Now what?"   
"Repeat - thirty times three,"   
"What?" you asked, quite baffled. The corner of his mouth turned down, trying to stifle the smile that rose. Then he just nodded.   
"Have _you_ done this?" you asked, not really picturing the infamous, dangerous Kylo Ren standing on his tip-toes.   
"It's muscle work. You must have gone through some type of training at the Resistance?" he asked, and you nodded slightly. Of course, you had. It had been hidden in the disguise of heavy machine lifts, early morning runs, and infinite endurance runs as a field surgeon. Working on muscle groups had never been something you needed, and considering you never trained like a Jedi you hadn't learnt any of those basics.   
"Wait," he said just as you were about to begin the small repetitions. "You'll need these."   
_Of course, it had been too easy._ Kylo handed you two rocks, one for each hand.   
"Lift them up to your shoulders," again, you did what he said, "and now you may begin the repetitions,"   
_Curse him at the way he made you feel stupid,  
"_You're not stupid. Just untrained. I've been doing this for more than twenty years. You're just getting started. Don't forget that," 

_HE READ YOUR GODDAMN MIND._

"No. We'll talk about that when you're ready to learn about the force,"   
"I think-" you began, catching your breath as you completed the first repetition, "that you owe me an explanation, like, right now,"   
"Focus. You'll never be able to beat me when you're as distracted as you are," 

_'You're the one doing the distracting, mister Megamind'._

"The way you used your upper-body as leverage when you threw the punch was good, though," Kylo said, letting your train of thought completely derail, and you almost felt yourself make a face over the sudden compliment. _Of course, you threw a good punch._   
"Not good _enough_ , unfortunately," he continued. You scoffed. "Don't aim for the face right away. Want you'll want to do is distract the opponent with your other hand-"

"So, what's next on the big First Order agenda?" you asked, taking a sip of water as you dried sweat off your brow. Sitting down felt incredibly welcoming after Kylo had pushed you through fifteen different exercises, each and every one having several repetitions. A few hours had passed, at least.   
"That's classified," he said, sitting down next to you. KJ-4 climbed up his arm and found home on his shoulder. It felt wrong that KJ-4 was clinging to someone other than you, especially after the long days you had just spent together. Still, Kylo was his master, probably.  
"Seriously? You're not going to do the whole big-bad speech where you tell me every detail so that I can stop you at the final second?" you said, noticing how you pictured yourself as the hero. It felt so incredibly wrong and you pushed the idea away immediately. _No, someone else do the 'hero' job._ You just wanted to sit back, doing nothing but pet flowers after this whole ordeal. _It had been too much action for a whole lifetime,_ in your opinion.   
"In the end I hope you won't stop me," he said.   
"Don't worry, big boy. I don't think you'll be able to train me that well anyway," you said, taking another sip of the water. KJ made a few noises as he turned himself off, and it looked like he slept on Kylo's shoulder. The look on his face caught your attention, and it tied a knot in your stomach.   
"Like, you're a good teacher. It's just that I'm a very terrible student," you tried, wanting to wipe that ~~imaginary~~ pout of his face. The corner of his mouth tilted up a little, but the look in his eyes remained.   
"You'll be powerful. Don't doubt that," he said, and you felt a sting of pride. Like you didn't completely deserve it. _Yet._  
You didn't dare question the long face more than that. It wasn't like you were _friends._ No. Enemies. You were going to kick this man’s ass sometime in the future. No. Better to keep him at an arms distance. 

"Begin," Kylo said, keeping his arms spread out wide. It was supposed to be an invite for you to come at him, but you hesitated. You just didn't know where to begin. He had given you an infinite arsenal of tips and tricks on how to be better at fighting, and still you were completely empty when it came to which angle to attack from. You focused some energy from your heels. Then you attacked. 

Uppercut - Miss. 

Stomach punch - He backed out of the way. 

Kick - He grabbed your foot. 

Blood ran cold in your veins as he smiled slightly. He held you there, threatening your balance. Then he pushed your leg further up, causing you to fall. And you fell, right on your back. Even though you managed to soften the fall with your elbows, the air was knocked out of your lungs and you heaved. You squinted at him as he leaned over you.   
"You'll get there," he said, "See you in two days," 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo for PT, anyone?


	27. Slow Down the Song

You felt _incredible._ Even though training with _The_ Kylo Ren had been a pain in the ass, you felt like you could lift a building the day after. That was, if you managed to look beyond the fact that you were sore as hell. Walking hurt, picking things up hurt and breathing hurt. Still, all you could think about was when you were going to get the chance to train some more. You believed you could get out. Kylo would help you if you just worked a little harder. _Why the fuck was Kylo going to help you?_

"Ouch, I'm not that flexible," you said as KJ-4 pushed your arm behind you in an attempt to stretch out a few sore muscles. KJ made a few noises of disapproval, obviously complaining about your whining, and you contemplated whether or not you should throw him out of a window.   
"Where do you think we're going?" you asked as you leaned forward, trying to touch the tip of your toes with your fingers. Every time you looked outside, it was obvious that you were going somewhere, but you felt a little clueless as to where.   
Beep.   
"Oh, really?" you asked, looking at upside down.

Your thoughts got interrupted. 

"All crew brace for lightspeed in approximately thirty seconds," 

_Thirty seconds?_ That's not long at all. You cursed at the announcement as you hurried up back to standing a little too fast. _Oooh, dizziness._ A few seconds passed as you tried to find your balance once again, and when you did you managed to grab ahold of one of the posts of the bed and cling to it. KJ grabbed ahold of your shoulder and settled there just in time. Then there was an immense force pushing you back, and you almost lost you grip. KJ was quick to grab the post of the bed with claws that he retracted from a compartment in his head.   
Then, when it stopped, you completely lost your grip, and had it not been for KJ holding you back, you would have hit your head pretty hard.   
"Thanks," you said, trying to stand, "I knew you had a few tricks up your sleeve," you brushed off your clothes and began walking out of your quarters. You only got about halfway when your door slid open and revealed Jance standing in your doorway.   
"It's best you sit this one out. Stay here," she said. You stood there quite baffled, and not a word was able to leave your mouth as she closed the door promptly in your face. When she was gone on the other hand -   
"Come on, KJ," you said, still quite confused. _When had you ever not sat anything out? _People weren't supposed to tell you to stay behind, you were doing that completely fine by yourself. Jance should in fact have known that. Maybe it was code for you to actually join? Didn't matter, really. This time you were sneaking after her anyway.   
"Which way to the bridge?" you asked KJ, and he beeped nervously back at you.   
"Come on, if I dare to go somewhere I'm not supposed to go, you can lead me there. I promise not to tell," you said, and you looked at him expectantly. He still hesitated.   
"How can I convince you?" you pushed, and still he evaded your gaze. 

Then, silently as he could, he beeped. 

"Really?" you asked. There was a moment where it looked like he hesitated again, but then he let out a silent, high-pitched boop. "Deal," 

You went alone. KJ had given you the directions down to the detail, but refused to go with you. So, you had let him get back to his charging station while you ventured on new adventures. Your heart was pumping out of your body, and you shook like a leaf, but every step you took was determined, and somehow most stormtroopers avoided looking at you as you passed them. You blamed your wardrobe on that. The dark fabric practically screamed that you belonged to the First Order, so why would they think you were out of place? ~~As well as you were floating in thin air and there was no way that you'd actually be able to sneak onboard at the moment.~~

"Hi, I'm holding for General Hugs," 

The floor disappeared from underneath you. Your lungs collapsed. You began running. 

"OK, I'll hold," 

Again. It wasn't in your head. You almost screamed as adrenaline pumped in your veins, but somehow your voice had been ripped from your throat. 

"Hello? Yup. I'm still here," 

Everything was spinning. How were your feet able to carry you? Your legs were numb as you ran towards the voice, leaving a few confused troopers in your wake. You didn't notice them. 

"Can you- Can he hear me?" 

Another voice. Not the one from before. You didn't care. You were so incredibly close now. If you yelled, would he hear you? You decided against it, just in case. 

"Hugs?" 

"He can," 

"With an 'H'. Skinny guy. Kind of pasty." 

"I can hear you. Can you hear me?" 

"Look, I can't hold forever. If you reach him... Tell him Leia has an urgent message for him." 

They came to view. No one noticed you as you peaked your head in. Disappointment hit you like a wave. Poe wasn't there. It was just his voice. 

"I believe he's tooling with you, sir," said someone, and the redhead in the middle of the room captured your attention. You bested your own mind and decided to go further into the room, crossing your fingers that no one would notice you. Some head turned, but you owned it as you tried to look confident. _You belonged there. Just act like it._ That was when you saw the tiny black x-wing that faced the Finalizer. 

_Had they come for you?_

_"_ About his mother," finished Poe, and you wanted to just run forward, break the glass and jump into space to meet him. Heaven came as soon as it went. 

"Open fire!" 

"No!" the scream had escaped your throat before you managed to think, but no one heard. It was muffled by the sound of several rockets blasting towards the X-wing. You expected your world to turn black, but instead the tiny ship maneuvered out of the way with an immense force.   
"He's going for the dreadnought," one of the console-people said, catching your attention once again.   
"He's insane," commented the red, big bird in the room. He sounded so certain, and so high on his horse that you actually contemplated pushing him off.   
The bridge became silent as everyone glared angrily at the tiny ship. You, with your heart in your throat and tickling in your bones, did an almost invisible victory dance every time Poe managed to dodge.

And then - Then Poe managed to blow up one of the big canons on the dreadnought. Had it not been for the fact that you were speechless you would have cheered. After that came his cavalry and you praised the fact that he wasn't alone. 

Everything went wrong. 

At first it seemed like the Resistance stood a chance. There were several x-wings, several Bombardiers and, of course, Poe. Then one after one they were shot from the air. You choked as you saw x-wings getting blown to pieces, and how they were doing more damage to their own than to the dreadnought.   
"Poe, get out," you mumbled, a firm hand clutching your heart, threatening to stop it completely. Another explosion, another x-wing gone. You cursed, begging for everything to just stop. Give Poe a chance to stop what he was doing. What everyone was doing. 

One bomber left. Then it too fell - Right onto the dreadnought. 

It blew up like a dying star. Your heart began working normally again when you saw that Poe and a few other x-wings returned to a huge ship. You got a peek out the main window. It felt unreal. Like it all had been a very weird dream. And it was about to become weirder. 

You knew that planet. It wasn't the Resistance who had found you. The First Order had found the Resistance. And then - as suddenly as you had seen them, they were gone again. Disappeared into a lightspeedy pudding of nothing. Then you were alone again. ~~Well, not really alone. You were surrounded by idiots after all.~~ It sat right with you. Somehow, deep in your very frightened soul was another very scared part of you that worried for your friends. ~~Maybe the whole afraid of dying thing wasn't only limited to you?~~

You tried to sneak out of the Bridge before anyone managed to notice that you were, in fact, present for the whole ordeal _._ There was a knot tying in your chest, threatening you with a panic attack. It was alright though. You embraced it. A few hours of screaming, crying and not being able to breathe was nothing compared to the fact that you knew that Poe was fine. It made walking out of the Bridge slower, though -  
"General, Supreme Leader Snoke - is making contact from the ship," *  
 _\- And that was goddamn lucky._ Because, had you not walked out just as slow as you had, you wouldn't have overheard a very, very important conversation that was going to change your head of direction.

You fumbled with your fingers, looking busy as the redheaded passed you with a ferocious speed. He was red from the top of his head and down to the tip of his chin. Embarrassment shone through his soul, and frankly, that made him too self-absorbed to realize that you did not belong where you were, at all. 

When he was out of sight, you went back to the Bridge. The people there seemed unfazed by your sudden intrusion, although it was very sneaky and a little confident. _You had done it once, you could do it again, right?_   
"Checkety-check-checking," you mumbled as you walked to the side, in one of the more hidden corners of the room.   
"Yup, I'm totally out of my mind," you continued as you leaned back, and just listened. 

_OKOKOK, this was easy, right? Just - remember. Remember the unheard-of levels of computer processing power, as well as the advanced hyperspace sensors, and least of all forget the millions of previous hyperspace transits. Don't forget._  
You clung to the wall as you tried to get control of your breathing. _This was crazy._ _You were crazy. Right? No other explanation. Why else would you sneak through dozens of pipes? ~~For fun.~~_  
What now? You were in a machine-room. How had you gotten that far? You weren't quite sure. ~~Dumb luck, perhaps.~~  
"What am I doing, what am I doing, what am I doing," was your new mantra as you walked further through very dangerous electric things and other pipes that seemed just likes ~~Snokes~~ snakes in disguise. The First Order were going to do something that sounded impossible. How? You wouldn't know. It was still a guess, right? Like, a guess based on trillions of probability calculations, but a guess none the less. You could do something about that, right? Right? ~~Oh, Maker. You were questioning everything now.~~   
_Easy peasy._

Somehow, you made your way into the one of the main machine rooms. How? You didn't know. Not at all. You had climbed over ~~Snokes~~ ~~snakes~~ cables, through very tight corridors and you had bypassed a lot of security, and everything was based on very, very, and don't be mistaken, very much luck. And you were quite nervous because of the lack of trouble that stood in your way. That was when, of course, your plan went wrong.   
  
"All crew brace for lightspeed in approximately thirty seconds," sounded over the speakers, and even though the sound was faint, you heard it clear as day, mainly because of your whole plan relayed on it _not_ to happen. Where would you hold on? There was literally no safe place for you to grip. What were you going to do? Lie down and brace for being thrown across the room?

As you lay there, you thought about many things. You wondered how anyone ever could be as lucky as you had just been, you wondered if there was a way for you to get a better grip on the floor, and you wondered if the Resistance had left because they thought you were dead or because you just weren't important enough. Nothing left a bad taste in your mouth, really. You were just curious. If they thought you dead, it definitely explained Poe's aggressive behavior, and if the rest of the Resistance thought you weren't important enough to rescue, that would also explain Poe's attack. No matter, you just hoped he would stop- 

The rumble caught you off guard, and you dug your fingernails into the floor, begging for a better grip, just so you wouldn't be thrown across the room. And in that moment, you noticed something. A series of blinking lights began blinking even faster, and suddenly they lit up like beacons, begging for you to look even closer. Reality hit you the moment you took off, and you were thrown across the room, into a very unforgiving wall. 

Your head was about to explode from the immense pressure when your skull came in contact with the metal. Even though your back had taken the worst hit, you felt yourself grow dizzy the moment you tried to open your eyes again. _Concussion. Light concussion. Nothing better than that.  
"_Ouch," you whined as you tried to sit up, feeling the heavy pounding that was your brain. 

_Lights._

_What was it again? Computer processing power, advanced hyperspace sensors and records of mil-_

You didn't need any of that. You had found a big machine room. And you knew exactly which cable to unplug. There was nothing the First Order could do to stop you now. Quickly, in fact, too quickly, you tried to stand up, but had to take a break as your vision darkened and threatened to make you faint. _No. Fainting is not good when you might have a concussion. Snap out of it._

Your vision came back, and so did your focus on the main objective. _Stop the ship from going into lightspeed_. You had seen the wire before. It might have been easy to miss for anyone else, but you had gotten a very strict message from Poe one time, asking you not to touch it. This time you were totally going to touch it. In fact, you were going to rip it from its plug, just so that you made sure the First Order would be thrown off course for a while. 

It was thin, purple and right beside another, familiar green wire. _Maker, you begged for it to be the right one._ You hooked your finger underneath the tiny wire, and breathed. 

You yanked it out. 

A very, very alarming sound came from outside. 

Then, chaos. You heard so many running steps outside the room that you worried they break down a door you hadn't even seen yet, and suddenly you felt the urge to get the hell out of Dodge. This wasn't you. You had never done anything so stupid. So reckless. No. You would never do that. There wasn't anything that was more important than saving your own life. Yet still there was. A heavy monster of pride found home in your bones as you realized what you ~~probably~~ had done. Unfortunately, you weren't done yet. The trickiest part was yet to come. 

You had managed to crawl over and under ~~Snokes snakes~~ pipes and wires again, and suddenly you found yourself back on the bridge. It was way more chaotic than before, with troopers running around and blinking, red lights filling the otherwise dark room. 

You tried to remember to breathe again. 

It was supposed to be tricky, but not impossible. _At the moment it felt impossible._ How were you ever going to get inside the Bridge when there were troopers all over the place? Maybe you should just stroll through, like you belonged there? 

How were you so incredibly lucky? The troopers had turned in a different direction the moment you had tried to enter the bridge, and you slipped unnoticed by them. 

You reached a desk.

A headpiece was by, and you put it on.

You locked in on the Resistance ship. 

_Breathe._

"Anyone?" you whispered as you tried to connect the intercoms. Nothing. Just static. 

"General?" you continued, begging for someone to recognize your voice. Another moment passed, and you contemplated giving up. _Maybe they would figure it out on their own._

"Is it really you?" Oh, that voice was so welcome in your ears, and you almost cried at the intense rollercoaster that threw you off with a whole bunch of emotions. 

"Poe," you sobbed into your hand, trying your best to compose yourself. People were starting to notice. 

"You're alive?" his voice was so fragile. Broken. It snapped you almost in half. 

"Listen," you said, clearing your throat, "It's not a whole lot of time," you needed to take a break. This was too intense for you. More heads turned in your direction.   
"Use lightspeed. The First Order ca-" 

"Is this a joke?" he interrupted, clearly not able to listen to you. "You were dead," his voice broke, and for a moment neither of you were able to talk. But you needed to. 

"I need you to listen," you said, and suddenly there was a spark. Horrific thoughts filled your head as you thought you lost them. Then it came back online, just for a moment. 

"This is Larma D'acy, speak to me," another voice. You lost Poe. Maybe it was for the best. 

"I cut the wiring for the acceleration for lightspeed. Get out," you hissed, maybe a little harsher than intended, but you were running out of time, and it became obvious as you heard heavy footsteps behind you. 

"We can only do one-" then she was cut off. Freight hit you like a slap to the face. 

Someone grabbed your hair and yanked you up.

The grip was unforgiving. A whimper escaped your throat as they pulled harder and you stumbled backwards until your back collided with you attacker’s chest. You tried to get the person to loosen the grip, but all you managed to do was grab ahold of their wrists so that you could ease the throbbing of your scalp. Everything felt like it was on fire, and you had completely forgotten how to move, or breathe for that matter. Another pull. You felt hot breath on your cheek. In the corner of your eye, all you saw was red. Red hair, red face and black uniform. 

"Who let this bitch into my Bridge?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just spent like eight hours + writing this, and still the chapter is all over the place. It was reaaaally fun to write, though. 
> 
> And also
> 
> Quick reminder 
> 
> You guys are awesome.


	28. Dead by Daylight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse me, like nooo. My chapter titles are definietly never random.

His hand was clutching so tight, pulling at every sensitive straw of hair. You begged for him to let go, but that only made him yank harder, and you let out a whimper. Tears welled up in your eyes and you closed them promptly.  
"Anyone?" he asked again, shaking your head a little, and your grip around his wrists tightened further. You wanted to scream.   
"No one -" he began, "No one saw her come in? Seriously?" _Oh, he was mad._ You didn't care. All you wanted was for him to just loosen his grip, a tiny bit. Your scalp was sore, threatening to rip completely. For a second you thought that would feel better than the pulling that was happening at the moment.   
"No one?" he yelled once again, and as you opened your eyes you saw the most workers shaking their head. That made your eyebrows furrow. _Seriously? No one saw you enter? Like, you knew you had been lucky, but this was getting ridiculous._  
"Fine," he snarled, and turned. You shrieked when you were pulled along in his little pirouette, but he didn't even bother giving you a second glance. _Asshole._ Then he pointed to the two troopers at the door with his free hand.   
"You and you," he said, "You're demoted. Report to lavatory duty on deck four, 5 am sharp," 

_Asshole._

  
Then he dragged you along, away from the Bridge. You limped awkwardly in front of him as he pushed you forward with your back connecting to his shoulder and his hand buried deep into your hair.   
"How did you get in?" he snarled. Holding your head a little back, his breath was hot on your neck.   
"Does it matter?"   
"Are you a spy?"   
"No, I'm very much out in the open," you said through gritted teeth, which only seemed to annoy him further.   
"Don't be a smartass. I've had enough of that in one day,"   
"Yeah, I heard," you mumbled, which earned you another yank. You bit your tongue to try to muffle a shriek, but a small 'umf' escaped anyway.   
"You think you are funny, do you?"  
"Well, yes-"  
"Let us see if Snoke agrees with you," he interrupted, a small sense of victory in his voice.

And _Fuck_.

Just by saying his name, he had completely paralyzed your bite, and made you into a puppet that mindlessly wandered where he led you. Fear had struck you like lightning. You never, in a million years, thought you'd have to meet Snoke. Ever. You never wanted to. Everything you had done it your life was supposed to prevent having to meet Snoke. The universe just seemed so unfair. You did _one_ _possibly_ heroic thing, and they were sending you straight to the big boss? Wasn't there like twenty mini-bosses you were supposed to fight first? Like, where was the build up? How in a million years would you survive a level 50 wizard when you had barely reached a level 2 coward? 

The door that lead to the throne room made you feel like a grain of sand - quite useless when you were all alone. Hux seemed like the happiest man in the world with a spring in his step and a very tight grip on your hair. Because, Hux, he had managed to shut you up and all but tremble in fear. And what a delight that was. You? You were chocking on air, begging to every entity you had heard of that someone would kidnap you before you reached Snoke. No such luck.

Therefore, when the doors opened and Hux pressed you forward, you almost felt like dying. 

It didn't get better once you actually laid eyes on Snoke. You had heard stories about how he looked, but you had never imagined that he would look so incredibly ugly. His face looked like it had been melted with a frying pan, and his hollow cheeks made you wonder if the man had ever seen food in his life. The rest of him was quite puny. Taller than you - sure, but not as tall as you thought he'd be. And he almost looked like a fruit that was put out to dry. _Quite wrinkly._

"Get down," Hux hissed as he _fina-fucking-ly_ let go of your hair and pushed you forward. His knee kicked under yours, so you fell to kneeling before you could even think. _Quite pathetic._ Still you managed to not puke. You were quite proud of yourself.   
"Supreme Leader," Hux addressed, and you imagined he bowed down like a little ballerina.   
"I thought you said you had the Resistance tied to a string, General?" said Snoke, and _by mercy,_ how could a person speak with so much venom?   
"I did, si-"   
"Then you’re nothing but yet another disappointment. Get out," interrupted Snoke and you scoffed. You really shouldn't have. Because that was when his eyes shot to you and you felt like dying all over again. Snoke raised a ~~beef jerky~~ finger in the air and was quick to stop Hux from actually leaving.   
He didn't have to say anything to make it clear that he wanted an explanation.   
"She cut a cable that affected the acceleration during lightspeed. We are currently trying to find which one," said Hux, and you noticed how every ounce of pride had completely faded from his voice.   
"She-" Snoke said, tasting the words in his mouth. What a gross mouth. "You’re telling me that _she_ outsmarted you, General? _She_ let the Resistance get away?" he sounded almost a little confused. You never in a million years thought you'd be able to confuse Snoke. _This was a day for many firsts.  
"_Who are you?" he asked, clearly not actually asking you.

Then, like butter dragged across bread, an immense force hit you like a tidal wave.

Although you were certain your feet stood planted, it felt like you floated in boiling water. 

Your head was going to explode. 

_Ouch._

As soon as it came, it went. 

Then all that was left was a throbbing headache. _Nothing new._ When Snoke opened his mouth to snarl once again, you looked away. _You were done baiting the big fish._ Your blood ran cold.

"Bring me Kylo Ren," 

"Supreme Leader," Kylo addressed as he stepped into the unnecessary huge throne room. You heard the modulated voice, revealing the fact that he wore his ~~bucket~~ helmet. There was no need for him to avert his gaze from Snoke. He already knew very well that you were there.

You didn't dare look at him either. Your _~~nest~~_ hair had fallen in front of your face as your mind was focused on the ground. Every movement felt threatening as Hux stood at ease behind you and Snoke's intimidating eyes never left your body. You just stayed on your knees, hands clasped in front of you and waited. 

Patience had never been your forte, but at the moment it was your bestest bud. You tried to appreciate every moment you were still breathing. 

"Leave us," said Snoke, and you heard a rustle of a cape as Hux turned on his step and left the room. 

"You wonder why I summoned you?" Snoke asked, the venom almost gone from his voice. 

_Almost._

"I have a guess, sir," Kylo said, his voice almost hesitating. It made your gaze flicker from stone to gravel, and it was clear Kylo noticed. Even so he managed to stand as still as a pole. 

"This is the girl from the Starkiller. The one who let Han Solos corpse fall in the hands of the Resistance," Snoke said. 

It struck you like lightning. 

He sounded so sure, and it made your brows furrow. You did your best to not form the sentence in your head, just in case Snoke was still listening in. It proved difficult. 

_~~Snoke didn't know that Solo might have lived.~~ _

_"_ Yes, Supreme Leader," Kylo said, a little louder than you expected. _He was trying to muffle your thoughts. And you were making it almost impossible for the poor fellow. By everything good in this universe, could everyone read your thoughts? _

"Tell me, Ren," Snoke said, obviously not happy about anything in life. You took yourself in comparing him to a very sad fish. "How long has she been on this ship?" Snoke already knew of course. He had seen it clear as day in your head. 

"Two days,”

You dared to look up. 

"Then why is she brought to me by General Hux and not you?" 

"She was badly hurt. I thought she would need more time before being presented to you," _~~Lies.~~_ _Why was he lying?_ Confusion must have been written over all your features by now, but not even one of the men addressed it, even though Snoke's gaze was drilling through your soul. 

It felt like a jellyfish was being pulled from your throat when Snoke looked away from you and over to Kylo. 

"Ah, yes, how compassionate. What about _your_ wounds, mighty Kylo Ren? Have they healed?" _Ouch, that stung. How was he able to turn into a venomous wasp?_

"It's nothing," Kylo said. You imagined he looked quite defeated, and you felt a sting of compassion for the imaginary thought. When you looked to him you saw that he was impossible to read. 

"When I found you-" Snoke interrupted, clearly not interested in Kylo's wellbeing, and you felt chills through your spine. "I saw what all masters live to see. Raw, untamed power. And beyond that, something truly special. The potential of your bloodline. A new Vader," Had you blinked, you would have missed it. But you didn’t, and therefore caught a moment where Snokes gaze flickered to you. Then his focus was back to Kylo. "Now I fear," Snoke pretended to take a deep breath. _~~Let's be honest, since when did dry fruit need to breathe?~~_ "I was mistaken,"

That hit Kylo like a kick to the groin and you felt the sting all the way over to where you were kneeling. The mask was broken. ~~Of course, only figuratively, because his physical mask was still going strong.~~

And Snoke relished that fact. 

"I've given everything I have to you. To the dark side," Kylo protested. Snoke was done talking. He just turned away, quite uninterested. And _you?_ Well, you couldn’t help the fact that rage conquered fear and that it was boiling in your blood. 

_You were getting sick of this Supreme Leader shit._

The universe stood still for a second. 

You wondered why it had turned so deadly silent. 

It dawned on you the moment an invisible hand latched around your throat and pulled you up into the air.

Kylo had lost focus. 

_No one was muffling your thoughts._

”She is a Projecter,” Snoke said, a new ignite in his voice as he held you there, almost cutting off your air supply.  
“I thought she was just incredibly easy to read,” You were scratching and clawing at your own throat, begging for oxygen, and it made it incredibly difficult to understand what Snoke was saying. All you felt was desperation. 

A need to fucking breathe. 

«I’m curious,» you heard Snoke say, but it sounded distant. Like he was talking through cotton. Your limbs were aching for a normalized blood flow. There was a pressure in your head, but you were barely able to register it.

What was painful became torturous. 

“There it is,” Snoke laughed in his own, twisted way. You couldn’t even comprehend what was humorous about what was happening. It felt like he was literally poking your brain, hitting all the soft spots. _~~And to be honest, who’s brain wasn’t soft?~~_

Silence. 

Everything disappeared. 

Snoke, Kylo, the threats. 

The universe was gone. 

Then, a soft red light. It felt blinding, even though it was barely visible. You saw her stance. Confident, powerful and invincible. In her hand she wielded a lightsaber, and you knew it all too well. Your eyes focused on its cross section and unstable laze beam. It belonged to Kylo Ren, but it wasn’t him who held it in a tight grip. Your eyes found her face. 

You were looking at yourself. 

The force that was holding you up let go.   
You fell.   
Your chest connected to the ground first, followed by your legs and head. You heaved for your breath. It was in heavy, rasped attempts, and a grotesque sound of desperate gasps echoed through the room. It felt as if you were never going to catch it again. That you would die, right then and there, because your lungs were deflated and couldn’t remember how to breathe.   
Then you managed to suck in that sweet, sweet air.   
Several coughs escaped your throat, and you cursed it, begging for the air to never escape your lungs ever again.   
“This is marvelous,” Snoke said, and you could hear fabric ruffle as he leaned back. You didn’t see it though. There were way too many things that needed to be prioritized first.   
“Supreme Leader,” you heard Kylo. There passed a moment where you treasured it. You wanted to hear his voice. Anything that was familiar. You craved it, like your lungs desperate for air, you needed him to get you out of there. Get you back to safety. There was no doubt that he felt your desperation.   
“Did you know that she was a Receptive as well?” The venom was back. Even though he talked to Kylo, you felt the poison coursing through your veins. The words sounded so alien to you.   
“No,” _Oh, that was a very bad lie._  
“No? Like you didn’t know that she was the one who let the Resistance escape?” Snoke’s voice was getting louder. It made your stomach twist in unnatural ways.   
“I didn’t-“ 

“Stop lying,” his voice went through you like razors.   
“You have failed me, Ren. I thought you were better. But the light she is holding on to is making you soft. Your path is divided. And she - she will be your breaking point,” 

_Scared. Fear. Death._ Every word clung to you like glue, and you felt like throwing up. The sick twisted your throat and lit fire to the butterflies in your stomach. And yet, all you could do was lay there, still desperate for air. 

“I killed Han Solo. I will kill her too if she becomes a distraction. If she stands in my way of eliminating the last Jedi,” _Oh, that stung._ It felt like the trust you had been desperate enough to show Kylo got ripped apart in front of you.   
“You will, or I will make sure that she kills you,” 

_Like fuck you will,_

Kylo heard that. A tiny flicker of emotions ran through your spine, and you knew that they weren’t yours. Still, it felt warm, so you embraced it as the cold ground made you freeze.

Too bad that Snoke heard it too. 

"And you. You're so desperate for safety that you blinded yourself to the only cure," 

_He didn't know shit about you,_

**_"But I do,"_** _Oh, fuck_. He was in your mind now too? What, was he, Kylo and mr mysterious having a party up there? Keeping your last two braincells company? What a pitiful party. 

"Power, young apprentice. The moment you accept that power will be your savior, you will rise," 

_It's not. ~~Had he just called you apprentice?~~_ Your savior would be peace. No more wars, no more sides, just you and possibly a small farm on a planet that relished in plants. ~~Peaceful plants that is.~~ Snoke seemed to think for a second, and he raised his hand. The force grabbed ahold of your body, and terror ran through your limbs. He raised you back to standing, with your toes barely touching the ground. You grinded your teeth as you embraced yourself for the pain that would come. 

It didn't. 

"Look at me," Snoke said. You felt the urge to disagree, but your head snapped in his direction and your eyes met his. A storm happened between you, as fear collided with might.   
"You cling so desperately to the light that you have blinded yourself to the dark," 

You wanted to run. Far. Get away from this stupid shit and stupid Snoke and stupid Kylo. 

"You believe that the Jedi are heroes. That the Resistance is good," 

_Yes. Light = good._

"Let me enlighten you on just how wrong you are," 

There was another brutal force against your skull. You tried to work against it, but to no avail. It penetrated your mind as easily as a knife cutting through water, and you couldn't do anything but scream as it terrified you beyond all control. 

Fear, 

Desperation, 

Nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, my dog, you guys. I know I say this a lot now, but your comments are so breathtakingly motivating and inspiring. You are so involved and delightful and fun as hell, and I'm seriously overwhelmed. You rock!


	29. Nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: 'You'll manage to fit all this story in a moderately long chapter. Just do it'   
> Also me: 'I can't do it.' 
> 
> TL; DR: This is 1/3 of what I wanted to write for this chapter.

It was weird being Poe Dameron. 

Not because he had just taken down a dreadnaught,

And certainly not because of the fact that he was currently getting slapped in the face by General Organa, 

But because you _were_ Poe Dameron. 

When you had imagined what it would like to be another gender for a day, you never imagined it would be like this. In fact, you had thought that you would enjoy it to the fullest, exploring the other gender completely, and if that gender was male, you would definitely flop your penis everywhere.

That thought was a little repulsing when you realized that your host was in fact Poe Dameron. Even though you felt incredibly thankful that you were back with the Resistance, knowing it was just through a temporary mental connection, you just loved how much it felt like home. Being with your best friend again trumped everything, and for a moment you just treasured being with him again. 

It was hard, though. 

You felt drunk, like you were either dreaming or hallucinating. You could not control him, his surroundings or his thoughts. You were just a passenger, floating in between mental states. He wouldn't know that you were there. To him, you weren't any more visible than the humiliation of getting slapped by a _~~no exaggeration~~_ princess/hero/general. 

"You're demoted," Leia said, and you watched as she frowned and passed Poe like he had just pissed on her cat. It felt weird being yelled at when you hadn't even been there doing the stupid, and it felt very weird being slapped while in someone else's body. 

"What?" slipped from ~~your~~ Poe's mouth, and ~~you~~ he stood there just dumbfounded for a second. A million thoughts raced through ~~your~~ his head, and most of them tried to find an explanation on what just happened. 

"Wait," he yelled after her, and before you knew it, you were running along in his body trying to catch up with General Organa. 

"We took down a dreadnought," said Poe, and you felt the moment of joy that filled his bones. It made you feel like dancing, or like you could conquer the world. It was a delightful feeling, one that was quite strange to you. You had to remind yourself that this power that you suddenly held wasn't yours. 

"At what cost?" barked Leia, 

"If you start an attack, you follow through," Poe said, and you felt like facepalming for him. 

"Poe, get your head out of your cockpit. There are things you cannot solve - people you cannot bring back," Leia begun, and that feeling of power was replaced by a heavy hit. Like someone had punched you in the gut, ripping your intestines. "by jumping into an X-wing and blowing something up," continued Leia, and you saw how compassion danced in her eyes. "I need you to learn that," 

Poe, on the other hand, was boiling with anger. You felt it as if it was your own. How punching a wall seemed like the only solution. Judging by the pain that radiated from his knuckles, he had resorted to that solution more than once already. This time you were certain that it was _your_ heart that sunk in his chest. 

"There were heroes on that mission," said Poe, trying his best to keep cool. Spoiler alert; it wasn't working very well. 

"Dead heroes. No leaders," said Leia, and _ouch_ that hurt too. Poe felt like he would rather take the slap to the face than actually letting that comment get to him. 

You had never thought that you would be ecstatic seeing Finn. He came running towards the General, Rey close on his tail. It was clear that they both had taken a beating while they were on the Starkiller, but neither seemed too faced by it. That was a strong contrast as to how Poe had wound up. 

"We're really nowhere. Where are we supposed to go from here?" asked Finn, and that was the moment where Poe decided to back out from the conversation. You wanted to protest. Scream at him to go back, just so you could enjoy the moment a little bit longer. 

Of course, Poe didn't hear you. 

But he walked towards BB-8 which was almost as good as staying. 

"You alright, buddy?" Poe asked, giving his droid a pat on the head. You felt his fingertips trace along the cold metal, and you felt the love that radiated from his skin. _At least he had BB-8._ You weren't quite sure if that thought was yours or his, but it didn't matter. 

It still hurt none the less. 

You felt the chill down Poe's back when the speakers sparked. ~~You~~ he just _knew._ It wasn't over. 

"Proximity alert," it was Ackbar, no doubt. Still the voice felt unwelcome. Like warm drinks while you were being burnt in lava unwelcome. It made Poe sharpen his ears for a second. 

"They've found us," someone said. Adrenaline rose through Poe's feet, up his legs, through his stomach and settled in his chest, where it spread to his fingertips. He was aching for the action. Anything. 

_Whatever that could keep his mind off you._

"That's impossible," he said, as he walked over to the readers. He tried the best he could to not look exited. "That's Snoke's ship," 

Hope sank in his chest like a rock in water. He had hoped for tiny TIE-fighters he could squish with his giant boot.

"You've got to be kidding me," he mumbled, "Can we jump to lightspeed?" 

"We have enough fuel for just one jump," said Connix. Poe bit the inside of his cheek. _Not yet._

"Do it. We have to get out of here," he said, swallowing the lump that formed in his throat. It felt wrong. Like he cowered behind running away. He didn't like it. In fact, it left such a bad taste in his mouth that you felt it too. 

It was weird holding any amount of courage for you. Even though it was foreign, and totally not yours, you held on to it like a child held its teddy. 

"Wait," said Leia, and ~~your~~ Poe's head whipped in her direction. "They tracked us through lightspeed," 

Adrenaline rose once again, like a fire that hadn't been properly burnt out. _Wait a little longer, Poe._

"That's impossible," said Finn. It was a little blurred out, like he was hidden behind a wall. Poe felt the hope that conquered his chest instead. He needed that fight. Anything to get back in the cockpit and let adrenaline and fear of dying take control. Whatever, as long as it was strong, intense and needed him to focus. 

"Yes, and they've done it," Leia said. 

"So, if we jump to lightspeed," said Rey, reality dawning on her like a sunset. "They'll just find us again, and we'll be out of fuel," she continued, "They've got us." She sounded so defeated. Poe was a stark contrast to that. 

"Not yet, they don't," he said, pushing a helmet into Rey's hands as he passed her. He stopped once he stood face to face with the General. 

"Permission to jump an X-wing and blow something up?" he asked, cocky as he could get. This was his victory. The small chance to do what he needed to be free from the pain. Leia did the most Leia thing she could do. She rolled her eyes. 

"Permission granted," 

Poe didn't reach his X-wing. 

Instead, he stopped in his tracks before he could even step into the hangar. 

He needed to breathe. 

Open a window, 

Run,

Anything. 

Why couldn't any part of his body remember to do its normal bodily functions? 

He had heard it, right? _Yes, Poe. It was there._

By the look of everyone else on the ship, they definitely had heard _something_. 

"General?" 

There it was again. You knew of course. And you wanted to tell him, but unfortunately, you too were frozen in his body. Everything seemed so very chaotic, when in reality, the whole ship was silent. It was overwhelming, really. 

Poe ran for the intercom. 

Shaking, he pressed the button that would allow him to speak. Yet he hesitated. He let out a few breaths, trying to collect himself. You didn't even know Poe was capable of such a feeling as fear. But it was there, clear as day. And it made you feel very, very unsettled. 

"Is it really you?" he asked, not really intending for you to answer. For a moment, he hoped he had been wrong. If you were on the other side of that call, it meant you were in the hands of the First Order. He would never forgive himself if that was true. 

"Poe," 

Poe had seen you everywhere. He had seen you walk past his window most mornings, and he had seen you by his ship. When he looked up from his lunch, you were there. 

But when he got a second look, you were gone. When he stepped out from his quarters, it had just been a breath of wind and someone who looked like you. You were never by his ship, just a shadow that lingered. He always ate alone. 

He didn't quite know what to do now that you actually were there the second time he looked. 

"You're alive?" 

He wanted to cry. Wanted to scream. Wanted to crush the intercom with his bare fists. And you were right there with him. 

"Listen," you said on the other line. It felt very wrong to hear your own voice through a speaker. "It's not a whole lot of time," you continued. That lit an explosion in Poe's chest. 

This wasn't right. 

You felt the betrayal that filled his bones. 

If that really was you, you would never do anything so cruel to him. 

He had just gotten you back for a moment, 

And you were saying you didn't have the time. 

He needed all the time in the world. 

You felt helpless as you kept being a prisoner in his body. You never wanted to hurt him. And the worst part was that you had no idea what you had done to him at the time. 

He hadn't heard the next thing you said. Instead he had let the confused part of him turn to rage. This was not OK. _Poe, just please, understand._

"Is this a joke?" he all but yelled. He felt like he was going to throw up. "You were dead," this time his voice was all but friendly. 

He tried to disconnect the line. Pressed buttons wildly, begging for everything to just 

Stop. 

He hadn't even noticed the pair of arms that ripped him away from the panel. 

All he did was yell. It wasn't clear if there were actual words that escaped his throat. Just inhumane sounds, and they continued until he lost his balance and fell to the floor. 

The pair of arms followed. Sat themselves down with him and wrapped themselves around him. 

Poe continued to scream. He screamed and yelled until his voice was all but gone, and hoarse and rasped sounds were all that was left. His hands were buried in his messy hair, pulling the hardest he could. Just so the pain would stop. Go away. He wished he had never taken a second look. That the wound was allowed to heal further. 

"It's ok, kid," 

Your heart leaped out of Poe's chest. 

"You're ok," 

The emotions settled a little. The thunderstorm calmed. Poe let Han Solos arms hold him. Hug him. And he just stayed there, not knowing you were right with him. Begging to be able to hold him yourself. 

There was another feeling. A physical feeling. The Resistance had leapt to light speed, not giving a second thought to the fact that you were within arm’s reach. 

Poe couldn’t save you. And no one else bothered to. 

You felt betrayed. Hopeless. Powerless. Weak. 

And Poe? 

He felt nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for atleast one more chapter with Snoke messing with your head. At least.


	30. Let’s do a Pirouette

You were a child. 

Not because of how you sometimes handled arguments or because you had a teddy named Darth-cuddles. 

No, you were suddenly in the mind of a very tiny person. 

It felt weird. Like your head was too big for your body, and that you should have fallen and lost balance for every step you took. 

But you weren't walking at the moment. You were clinging to someone's torso, gripping as tight as you possibly could. They held you tight as well. It felt abnormal being carried, but the emotions that had hit you in the face while you were Poe still remained, and you really appreciated the safety of being in someone's arms. 

That was until you heard the blasters going off outside your door. 

The child clung tighter, and you felt it's fear. Like it would eat you up, starting from the inside. 

"Can we go home?" cried the child, and you followed where she looked. It was only her and her mom in the room. Just the two. _~~And you, but we don't talk about that.~~_

"No, sweetie. We have to wait for the Jedi to return. It won't be long," 

_Jedi?_ Who were you? And more importantly, _when_ were you? Like, ok, child - check. Middle of a massive shootout between a Jedi and possibly something big, bad and evil - check. Timeline? No check. You had obviously gone back in time when you were in Poe's head, but this was getting ridiculous. This child had to be ages old by now, if there were Jedi’s involved. 

The mom cried too. 

What was going on? You had so many questions, and all you were left with was a trembling body that was too small for your big head, but perfect for your two last braincells. 

"If the Jedi doesn't come back, you have to promise me something, ok?" said the mom. Your big eyes found her face again. 

"Remember how you're used to race against Mia-" 

"Do you mean Marie?" you interrupted, making ~~your~~ the child’s mom grip harder and look a little more serious.

"Yes, Marie, but that's not important. But when you raced against her, what did you do?" 

"I imagined that my legs could fly, and never looked back," 

"Yes, that. Do that. It's just like that game, alright?" 

"But I don't have my running shoes," 

"You don't need them," 

"I do if I'm supposed to fly," 

"You don't," _Oh,_ the mom was snapping back now. It made a very sickened feeling tremble in your bones, but the child let them. In fact, she embraced it and let her tears flow down ~~your~~ her cheeks. The mom immediately put her hand against her cheek and brushed away the wetness. 

"No, baby, I'm sorry. It's just important that you win this last race, ok?" 

You were interrupted as a lady kicked down the door. It felt like a whirlwind had entered the room, and you were knocked back in the seat you were currently occupying in this child’s mind. 

"We're losing," the lady said as she tried to barricade the door behind her. 

"What do you mean? You're Jedi, you can't lose," argued the mom, shaking as she almost smothered you in her arms. 

"We can, and we have," the lady bit back, and _damn,_ that lady could bite. For a moment you pictured her next to a Kouhun, and there was no doubt in your mind that the lady would win. 

That meant that there was something even more terrifying on the other side of that door. 

The lady shot the child a look, worry written in her features. And a glimpse of something else. Had it not been so familiar to you, you wouldn't have recognized it. This woman was terrified. Not because of what was outside, but what was locked inside with her. 

"They'll come for her," 

"No," the mother protested.

 ~~You~~ the child didn't quite understand what was happening. 

"I'm sorry," 

"Don't you dare," screamed the mother, catching the interest of every fighter within a mile’s radius. 

"I must. She will turn," 

"She won't," 

"She won't have a choice," 

"Killing her isn't the answer," yelled the mother, now holding you so tight that you could barely breathe. That wasn't the only factor that made the air thick. The child turned your head slowly, and faced the barrel of a blaster. 

The Jedi stood there; blaster pointed towards a tiny girl. _What the actual fuck?_

You cried. You weren't quite sure if it was the child’s tears or you own, but all you knew was fear. Every bone in your body tightened under your skin, and your muscles were useless as you shook. You were so sick of it. 

"Don't look, honey," 

Then the sickening sound of a blaster. 

You got ripped back to reality as you felt the gunshot pierce your skull. Slowly you opened your eyes, only to find an infinite ceiling staring back at you. 

_Home._ No, not home. But better than being stuck in someone's head. 

"Come on, get up," _Oh, no._ This wasn't Snoke's throne room. This was way worse. 

"You've barely started. If you're giving up already, I must say I'm disappointed," _This was way, way worse._

Slowly, oh, so slowly, you managed to sit up. The world was spinning. You looked down, expecting to see someone else. But no. You were back in your own body. The problem was that you weren't controlling it. At all. You got back on your feet, and you noticed how much better balance you had than last time you remembered you tried to stand. When was this? You couldn't remember this at all. 

"Do it again," 

"You sure you can handle it?" you said, sarcasm dripping from your mouth. What was this? Who were you? Like, you knew you were _you_ , but you didn't recognize the confidence that soared through your body. 

"If _I_ can handle it? Love, you're the one who just got up from the ground," had it not been clear as day you wouldn't have believed it. Kylo Ren just called you _love._

Your mind was all over the place. The part of you that was actually there kept calm like a summer breeze, but you, the spirit, was freaking out. There was so much information to process, and you didn't know where to begin. Why was Kylo looking at you like that? And why were you so confidently smiling back at him? And what was this energy that soared through your bones? 

"Catch it this time," Kylo said. You were not prepared for him to pick up a huge boulder with the force. And you were certainly not prepared for him throwing it in your direction.

You thought you'd flinch. 

Scream.

Anything other than what you actually did. 

Because, you planted your heels to the floor. You lifted your arms. Energy rose in your chest and exploded through your fingertips. Then you managed to stop the boulder mid-air. The breath got stuck in your throat, and you almost thought you'd have an out of body experience. This wasn't you. You could never do this so easily. 

You felt powerful. 

It was such a stark contrast to all the emotions that had just ridden a carousel around in your body, and fear, betrayal and anger was subdued completely by might and power. 

And you _loved_ it. 

It still wasn't over though. As you held the large rock in place, your head snapped in Kylo's direction, who sprinted towards you in an immense speed. You focused, tossing the rock away from you as you barely managed to reach for the unfamiliar weight at your hip. Your fingertips grabbed the weapon and unholstered it quickly. Safety off, then a blinding light. 

It lit up in orange. 

This lightsaber was new. Not yours, surely. 

You couldn't think as you managed to block Kylo's attack just in time. Orange connected to red and left sparks of light all around you. 

"Not bad," Kylo said, his face so close to yours. The only thing that held you apart was to deadly sticks of death. 

"I learn from the best," you said, as you gathered your strength and pushed him off you. It happened fast, though. Before you knew it, he was back at you, attacking from every possible angle. _How were you able to block them?_

Kylo lost focus for a second. 

"What was that?" he asked, confusion written over his features as he backed off, turning off his lightsaber as he did. 

"What was what?" 

"I just heard your thoughts," he said, and you felt a numbness hit you like a storm. Now it was the other version of you that were confused. She shook as she reached for your face, wiping the sweat from her forehead. It was technically yours. 

"You can't have," 

"I did," Kylo said, and you too deactivated the lightsaber as he approached you, and you watched as the orange faded into nothing. _Whose lightsaber was that?_

 _"_ There it was again," 

"I'm keeping it up, I promise," you said, your voice breaking. You didn't flinch. Didn't gasp, as Kylo reached you and put his hand against the side of your face. It was so warm, and you almost envied the other version of yourself. _~~This you vs she vs this you were very confusing~~_. How was she able to keep such calm, and almost find it comforting that Kylo's gloved hand caressed her cheek? 

"I don't think it's you," you were stunned as he put his hand underneath your chin. _What the fuck was going on?_ Kylo smiled a little. His eyes found yours, piercing right through them. _You wanted him so fucking badly_. 

"Now, was that your thought or the other ones?" he asked, and surprisingly enough, you chuckled with him. 

"Mine. Absolutely mine," you said, smiling as you counted his freckles. You could tell that you had done it before, but still it felt so foreign. All of this was wrong. 

"It's difficult to find whoever is inside your head while you're taking down the barrier, you know," he said, and before you knew it, his hand was on your waist, pulling you flush against him. Your heart was racing through your chest. There was nothing you could do as he caressed the small of your back with on hand and he held your chin with the other, holding you so you kept looking up at him. 

"I couldn't help it," you said softly, your eyes looking from his down to his lips for just a moment. Kylo caught it. _This was so wrong. What was happening?_

"Right. You need to focus better if you're ever going to beat me," Kylo said, leaning close, so his lips almost touched yours. The emotions that messed with you at the moment didn't match up with the arousal that found itself between your legs. You hated it, but damn how much you loved it. 

"I beat you once already, forgotten about that?" 

"Absolutely not. How could I?" 

His lips connected to yours.

Your heart stopped beating.

It was so soft, so heartwarming and so chaotic. You weren't ready for this. Nothing in you felt like you were ok with it. But the other you, oh, she was a beast. Her lips danced along with his, tasting him like he was the sun. Then, just for a moment, he disconnected from you, just to let a puff of hot breath caress your face. 

"I love you," 

It felt like you were getting kicked in the groin as you landed back on the cold floor. This time, you knew. You were back. Every single one of your limbs hurt, begging for you to remember breathing. You couldn't. 

You cried, but couldn't recall how or why. 

Everything was silent. 

All you heard was your own gasps for air. 

It still felt incredibly chaotic. 

Betrayal, fear, death, power, 

Love. 

"What did you see?" asked Snoke, and you gathered enough energy to get back on all fours and look up at him. Anger flooded your system as you got back on two legs. Snoke smiled, in his own, very scary, way. 

You didn't answer him. Just dragged your sleeve over your face as you brushed away the tears mixed with dirt. Your eyes locked with his, and you refused to let go. _How dare he?_

"How dare I?" asked Snoke, obviously not at all intimidated by your furious stare. 

"This was all you. I just asked a simple question," 

_He did something to you._

"First of," Snoke said, and with a flick of his fingers managed to knock you back down to kneeling. You let out a puff of air, but did not break eye contact. "No. I asked your mind something, and it answered you. So, tell me, what did you see?" 

"Fuck you," you spit out, barring your teeth like an animal. You couldn't quite tell why rage was the emotion that conquered the others, but you let it. It felt great overpowering cowardness for once. 

Still, it earned you another force punch to the gut. A whimper escaped your throat as you were forced to look back down. 

"Get her out of here. I'm certain she won't do anything stupid again," Snoke said. You heard the footsteps, but you were not prepared as Kylo grabbed ahold of your arms and pulled you back to standing. His grip was harsh, but not unkind. Still, you didn't look at him. Just kept glaring at the road ahead as your feet felt heavy. 

Kylo didn't speak until you were out of the throne room and he let go of you. You were not prepared for what he asked you.

"Are you alright?" 

Therefore, you did not answer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, first off, you rule, and I love you.
> 
> Second of all; GUYS! I made a TikTok! It's so much fun!  
> Here, take it! TikTok: tiktok.com/@tuvaluvanuva?lang=en


	31. What Horrid Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi! I've missed you guys soooo much. 
> 
> But - a lot has been going on in the world and writing just... didn't come to me. This chapter alone has been rewritten sooo many times that it would put a shame on the Batman movies. 
> 
> I truly hope ya'll are staying safe, and that you're able to stand up for a cause you believe in. We are living through history right now, and history can be quite traumatic. 
> 
> Love you all. 
> 
> XoXo Gossip Girl 

There was a lot of evil in the universe. Murderers, poisonous flowers and the fact that one could be allergic to kittens to name a few. These things often occupied your mind. 

Like a bug caught in a web, you remained in those thoughts for hours on end, never realizing that there was an escape. 

But, like everything in existence, there was a parallel. Instead of murderers, you had health-care workers who saved thousands of lives, even if that meant that they would not get to eat or sleep for days. Where there were poisonous flowers, there were healing plants. If you were allergic to cats, there were several other animals that might want to be your friend. 

And, where there was a system that tried to silence specific species, not caring for the length they had to go to make that happen, 

There was a Resistance. 

Someone who fought for people's rights. Someone who fought for the light. 

And as you lay on the floor, looking up at the infinite ceiling, you remembered them. You thought about your parents. You thought about your mom, with the long black hair that was always tied in a knot. She always seemed to own the room, controlling it like the teacher she was. Every child who grew up with the Resistance knew her, and they loved her. They loved her kind smile, her fighting spirit and the way she used to laugh too loud at her own jokes. It was weird looking back at her, and who she was. As a child, you had simply thought she fought with the Resistance because she just _knew_ it was the right thing to do. It was not until you were a grown-up you learned about the reason why she never talked about her own parents. 

You wondered where she was now. 

All you remembered about your other mom was the freckles that caressed her face as she smiled in the sunlight. Even so, you tried not to think of her too much as the stank of burning flesh often found its way into those memories. 

Blood was pouring from your knuckles, and you clutched them tight to your chest, begging for the world to give you just a few seconds more of peace. A few more seconds of remembering the fire that was the Resistance. One more moment to ground yourself in those reasons to keep pushing. 

"Feeling tired?" asked your sparring-partner. _Well_. More kick-and-avoid partner, as you had yet to even touch Kylo with your hits. _Why did he keep mocking you?_

"Because you make it too easy," he said, as he came into your field of view and offered you a hand, like he always seemed to do if you lay on the floor. 

"Why are you in my head?" you asked, your voice a little weak as it had not been used for a short while. 

"It's not like you're making it difficult," Kylo chuckled, and you looked at his face. _Damn that face._ Then you looked at his hand. 

You got up on your own. 

"Let me rephrase; _how_ are you in my head?" you said as you brushed off your clothes and accepted the towel that KJ offered you. He had climbed up your leg without you noticing. Not surprising really; he had been doing it a lot lately. You dried of your sweaty forehead.

"I thought you didn't want to learn about the Force," Kylo said, crossing his arms as he stood in a resting position. For a moment you wondered if you would catch him off guard if you attacked at that moment. You pushed the impulse away. 

"I didn't. Then Snoke made it noticeably clear that I need to learn about what I am." 

You watched as Kylo looked a little torn. _Snoke wouldn't like it if Kylo taught you anything that he hadn’t approved of first._

"No, the supreme leader would not. Even so, I never intend for him to know about these lessons either," Kylo said, looking away from you. For a moment you wondered if he was hiding something. When his eyes found yours again, those thoughts ran a different direction. 

"Please. I want to learn," you said.

"Well, as you know, the Force connects everything. What lives, what dies, what remains and what fades," Kylo began, and you grabbed a sip of water as he continued to talk. 

"And, when the Jedi were around-" 

"They're still around," you interrupted. It obviously did not sit well with Kylo. 

"There used to be sub-classes within the Jedi order. The Projecters, as well as the Receptives, used to be different sub-classes. Both of them quite rare, though," Kylo said, and you felt an ounce of _something_ in your chest. It was not pride, but not quite fright either. It was just _something_. 

"The Projecters - as you can possibly tell by the name - projects _everything._ They are connected to the force in a way where there is no barrier between your mind and the Force. You are literally one. Therefore, everything and everyone who has a connection to the Force cannot help but feel you in some way. And the ones who is incredibly strong with the Force will not have any choice but hear your thoughts if you haven't learned to block them out,"

_Hold up. Too much information._

"You can take it," Kylo said, and you raised your brow as you looked at him. It seemed like the information was fresh in his memory as well. Maybe it was new to him too. "If trained, Projecters are able to place thoughts in other people’s mind, might even possess untrained Force users,"

"You use 'the Force' a lot," you commented, trying your best to stay on top of the tiny hill you had mentally climbed. 

"What? You want me to expand my vocabulary?" Kylo asked, looking you up and down for a moment. You appreciate his kind gaze. The last few days, it was only KJ and that look that kept you afloat. Snoke being in your head had utterly terrified you, to the point where it had robbed you from sleeping soundly. 

Kylo cleared his throat and you snapped out of your own pit of despair. 

"The Receptives are quite the opposite. They are connected to the Force in another way, where they are-" 

"Let me guess. Receptive?" you chimed in. Kylo smirked slightly, clearly amused. 

"Yes, receptive to the other forces around them. They are easily influenced as they cannot help but read other Force users. Receptives locate others, especially those who have a connection to the Force in one way or another, and read minds and emotions. Others simply can't deny being read," 

"That sounds unlikely. There's a reason I couldn't read Snoke's mind," you chuckled, but Kylo remained serious. 

"But you did. Even so, you only saw what he wanted you to see. He asked your mind a question, which it couldn't deny answering," 

"I can’t possibly have done anything. He is so strong," 

"So am I," said Kylo, and goosebumps covered your skin as you saw how insulted he looked. Somehow, he reminded you of a lama about to spit. "Yet I couldn't block you out," 

"When?" you asked, a little confused. _When had y- ah._

"You know when," he continued, which sparked so many questions in you. No wonder he sensed them too. 

"Han is alive," you began, your voice hesitant as you did not quite know what to expect. Your eyes followed his every motion, but he did not reveal much. 

"He might be," 

"Kylo, I know-" 

"Don't you dare speak those words," he warned, a clear threat in his voice. It did not stop you though. 

_Kylo didn't kill Han Solo._

"That's it. Get out," 

_Kylo didn't activate the lightsaber._

“We’re done,”

_Why did Han try to sacrifice himself?_

"Get out." His voice was getting louder. Still, he stood his ground and you stood yours. _~~Don't cover in fear, don't cover in fear, don't c-~~_

"We're done talking about it," was all he said as he turned away from you, breaking your last ounce of courage.

"I saw him. He's safe, and he's ok, and he's with General Organa," _Wait a minute. Was that you? Did you just defy the mighty Ren? Perhaps you should have given yourself a pat on the back. At least you deserved a tiny trophy._

Kylo turned back to you, his eyes finding yours within moments. He definitely did not approve of your rudeness. Still, he did not condemn it completely either. There was a familiar spark of _something_ in his eyes. 

Then his temper was gone.

Like a breath of wind had carried it away like a feather.

"I want to teach you how to block others out. What happened with Snoke - I want to make sure you can control it next time," Kylo began, shrugging slightly and letting out a sigh. You could not possibly focus on that though. ‘ _When’? ~~Did he just say ‘WHEN’?~~_ "And, even though I might regret it, I hope to teach you how to dig deeper in other people's mind. How to extract the thoughts you need to hear, and block the feelings from others that you do not need," 

"Why?" you found yourself asking. Not that you were saying no. It just sounded so distant from where you were at the moment. 

"I have never heard of someone who is both a Receptive and a Projecter. You might be the only one of your kind," Kylo began, taking a few steps towards you. You resisted the urge to step back. The floor seemed to eat you alive, though, as he came closer. KJ clung tighter to your shoulder. 

"If you are, then it won't just be the First Order who is hunting you," 

"I've been safe so far," you said, mostly to calm your own nerves. 

"Have you, though?" asked Kylo, in the cockiest Kylo-way possible. You looked around the huge room and saw your imaginary chains. 

_Guess not._

"Exactly," Kylo continued. "I want you to be. I don't want anyone to ever find you," 

"What'll happen to me now?" you asked, blocking him out for a moment. It was just so incredibly much information in such a short amount of time. Projecter, Receptive, Snoke - you just wanted to shut it off. Go back. Go home. Anything. 

"I hoped the Supreme Leader would never know who and what you are. Now that he does, there is no doubt he will make you an apprentice. Mine, probably. You'll be taught the ways of the Sith," 

"No," you interrupted.

"You don't have much of a choice, unfortunately," Kylo said, his brows furrowing in an empathic gaze. "Not anymore," 

Your eyes found the ground. Had it always seemed so dangerously close? KJ beeped silently beside you, and you shrugged your shoulder to give him some attention. It seemed like he appreciated it. 

"I guess I did this to myself," you sighed.

"You'll learn the ways of the Sith, but no one is forcing you to do anything. I know you. You would not let that happen," Kylo said, a slight hint of amusement in his voice. _He didn't know you. He had read your book cover and pretend to read the whole book based on that._ Then another question hit you like a sledgehammer.

"Did you have anything to do with helping me finding my way to the machine room?" 

Kylo looked a little stunned for a moment. 

"No," he replied, quite surprised. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Absolutely," Kylo continued, crossing his arms once more. "Why would I put you in that situation? If I did not want the ship to follow the Resistance, I would have just done something about it myself," 

He sounded too casual. Almost like he was telling the truth, but not all of it. He had given you a puzzle that missed several pieces. 

"I want to teach you how to protect yourself. How to block others completely. How to keep your identity a secret. If you will let me," he asked, his gaze softening like butter. Oh, how could you possibly say no to those puppy-eyes? 

"Yes, please," you replied, looking at him through your lashes. Was this seriously happening? Were you making a deal with Kylo Ren? _Again?_ Where was the downside this time? 

"Great," Kylo smiled, a toothy grin appearing on his lips. "I'll attack you now," 

_Wait what-_

You barely had time to duck away as Kylo ran for you, throwing his first hit which landed mere inches from your face. 

**_Block me._ **

_Trying._

**_No. Block my voice._ **

Another hit, this time hitting home against your hip. It hurt. Like someone had just rammed their fist into your bones- Hold up a minute. 

**_Focus._ **

_Fuck you._

**_Stop answering me. Block it._ **

"I can't," you yelped as his feet connected to your ankles and threw you off balance.

You fell flat on your back. The air got sucked out of you, and you coughed several times as you tried to catch it again. 

"This is too high-level, Kylo," you coughed, "I can't possibly do this," 

"Stop telling yourself what you can and cannot do. Focus on the task ahead instead. I promise, it will work wonders," he said, and you couldn't help but glare back up at him. His kind look did not falter though, and you stared at him a little too long. Once again Kylo reached out his hand, motioning for you to take it. 

You took it. 

He hoisted you to your feet, and as your hand was in his, he held it a little longer than necessary. 

"You'll be able to block me before you know it, but I need to challenge you," he said. 

You felt his skin against yours and took a moment to appreciate the heat that he radiated. How could such a huge hand feel so soft? There was no doubt in your mind that his hands had done their fair share of work throughout his life, but you could not feel a single scar or evidence of rough skin anywhere. 

"I'll kick your ass soon, just so you can teach me how to fly a TIE. I'm getting out of here," you said. 

Kylo smiled, tightening the grip around your hand one last time before he let go. 

"Whatever comes first," he said. 

Two years passed. 


End file.
